Foggy Brain

So much has happened since we discovered our pregnancy shocker, my brain is on overdrive but still can't seem to keep up. Apparently it is still in stage 1: SHOCK AND AWE, and hasn't been able to fully move on to stages 2,3,4,5,6,and 7 which include analyzing repeated doctor visits, scrutinizing lab tests, inquiring about prescriptions, organizing insurance paperwork, and all the rest.

After the home pregnancy test on Saturday 5/15, I called my OB, Dr. Garcia (who I absolutely adore) at my earliest opportunity which was that Monday. He wanted me to come in immediately, so I went that afternoon. He did some bloodwork, which came back showing my progesterone at 35.12 and HcG at 701. So we were happy with those results. The following Friday night 5/21, I began spotting of course. Never fails, I've done this 4 times now! And it always seems to happen on a weekend, when I have no way of getting in to the doctor. The panic set in full-throttle and I laid low all weekend, tried to stay off my feet, and started the internal pep talk where I attempt to convince myself not to worry.

By Monday 5/24 I was back in Dr. Garcia's office for an ultrasound. I was 5w5d along at that time. They could see a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but no embryo. They could also see blood, but couldn't determine where it was coming from or what was causing it. He basically told me it was 50/50, could go either way ... either I had ovulated a little late in my cycle, making it a few days too early to see an embryo, or the pregnancy was not viable and was doomed to miscarry. I tried to stay positive but found that to be difficult, particularly because we had seen Jamin's heartbeat via ultrasound at that same gestational age. He did more bloodwork, and the results came back on Tuesday showing progesterone at 42.4 and HcG at 10,526 ... a very encouraging sign.

Wednesday I saw my GI Specialist, Dr. Manocha, who has been trying to help me manage some problems since February. I was given an endoscopy in March and found to have gastritis, an H.Pylori infection, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I've been on multiple medications to help alleviate the pain and symptoms .... all of which I had to stop taking cold turkey the day I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately there is pretty much nothing he can give me now that I am preggo, so with sympathy in his eyes he told me to call him next year after I've delivered and stopped breastfeeding. In the meantime I guess I will have to grin and bare it, and pray it doesn't get too unbearable. I have days where I have almost no symptoms and I feel fine, and then a flare-up will come and I'll be miserable for several straight days. There seems to be no reason or pattern behind it, though we do know that hormones and stress tend to aggravate it.

Thursday I was back at Dr. Garcia's office to repeat the bloodwork. Those results came on Friday and showed progesterone at 37.3 and HcG at 20,878! In a healthy pregnancy, HcG is supposed to double every 48 hours, so this was a reassuring result for us since it was roughly twice the level that was measured on Monday afternoon. Based on the bloodwork alone, we are now feeling confident that the pregnancy is viable. The nausea and EXTREME fatigue I've started feeling over the last three days are just icing on the cake. Annoying to deal with, but good sign of a healthy pregnancy .... so I'll take it.

I go back Wednesday at 1:00 for another ultrasound and exam with Dr. Garcia. I will be 7w0d so we fully expect to see an embryo and a strong heartbeat!

God has a sense of humor!

Sooooo, after a year's absence, I'm back to blogging. Of course that can only mean one thing:

I AM PREGNANT. AGAIN.

Yep, go ahead and scrape your jaw up off the floor. Don't feel bad, I had that very same expression on my face for a solid week. No I'm not offended. I promise, whatever you're thinking, I've already thought it ten times over.

Everyone seems perplexed, and rightly so .... so to clear up a few common questions let's just get a few of the nitty-gritty basics out of the way:

1. No, we were not trying. In fact, we were actually "trying" to schedule a vasectomy, having just gotten the referral 4 days before discovering the surprise.

2. No, I had no clue. No symptoms, no "little feeling", nothing. Not even remotely on my radar. I had a period, which started ... and then abruptly stopped .... and never came back. After a few days James convinced me to use an old test I had shoved in the back of the linen closet just to put my mind at ease so we could go out and enjoy our date night without any worries. Yeah that didn't quite go like we planned.

3. Yes there were lots of tears. And a few words I'm now embarrassed to admit I said. I actually collapsed in a heap and finally laid on the floor of my bathroom closet sobbing. No they were not happy tears. Let's just say it was not my proudest moment. Among my immediate concerns, were "How in the world are we gonna survive this again?"; "Please don't make me tell my Mommy!"; and "Promise me that no matter what happens I will never have to drive a mini-van!"

4. Yes I've stopped freaking out. And yes, I'm now equal parts excited and terrified. But there's lots of both.

The next question everyone keeps asking me is ... "Scared, but WHY???" Assuming that these folks either have major short-term memory loss or just flat don't get it, I'll clarify. Forget the fact that spilling the beans to my mother felt like the emotional equivalent of being 15 yrs old and telling her I'm pregnant .... I guess I could best describe it this way:

95% of my fear is surviving another pregnancy: The wild ride of ups and downs ... the stress and worry at every single doctor visit, the cervical measurements, the hospital stays, the endless months of bedrest, the shots, the home monitoring, the burden on my husband, my kids, and our family ... watching my health deteriorate before my eyes. In all honesty I don't feel like I've recovered from the last roller-coaster ride, emotionally OR physically. And I still have the stupid bruises on my stomach to prove it.

5% of my fear comes from the thought of what will happen AFTER the pregnancy, at the end of the battle when a healthy baby is finally here, God willing ... I do worry about taking care of three, dividing my time even further, etc ... all the normal mom stuff. The two little ones will be roughly 20 months apart (again, God willing) so that of course seems like a huge challenge, but honestly there is only a very teeny tiny part of my brain that can see past the gigantic hurdle of pregnancy to even begin to worry about these things.

I think I summarized it best when I told a friend recently, I feel like I've just started climbing Mt. Everest without a single day of advance notice or preparation. The mountain that lies ahead of us is giant and rugged and I know it well. And the ugly truth is that I don't have the endurance, or the mental fortitude required to fight my way up to the top. Just the thought of it is overwhelming and exhausting and makes me want to quit. There is no way I'm gonna be able to climb that thing again.

After four straight days of crying I finally calmed down enough to open my stubborn eyes and see that God was already making arrangements and working out the vital details (like my new super-duper hemotologist Dr. Genius at Emory) .... and ever so gently He reminded me that I don't have to climb anywhere. I can just trust that God knows what He's doing and rely on Him to carry my whiny butt up.

So that's my plan.