Coming Unglued.

Today marks 17 days in the hospital, and my extended stay here is really starting to take its toll. I’m not sure how to accurately describe it, other than to say I am utterly and completely exhausted in every way imaginable.

My physical condition has really deteriorated over the last 3-4 days. The baby is fine, and my cervix seems to be holding this week so I am celebrating those accomplishments, as they are really the two most important things at this point. Aside from those positives, though I am really struggling physically. I am pitifully weak …. the “I-can’t-possibly-walk-myself-to-the-bathroom” kind of weak. Upon standing, my legs immediately begin to burn and it takes incredible effort to move them. Taking ten steps feels like the equivalent to running a 5K. I can no longer stand up for the short time it takes me to brush my teeth. Instead I now have to sit down while I brush because I literally can’t hold myself up for 60 seconds. Even laying still in bed feels exhausting, I have this tingling all over and a heaviness in my chest that makes breathing feel like a chore. I ache everywhere. I just don’t feel normal in any way.

This has been the subject of several discussions of course, first with a few nurses and then with my doctors. Everyone seems to agree that what I‘m feeling is a result of “de-conditioning”, or my body just sort of shutting down due to not moving for such a long period of time. I’ve been in bed for 7 weeks now, though the last 2 here at the hospital have been way more extreme that what I did at home, as I am literally lying still for all but maybe 15-20 minutes a day. I have leg exercises, which the physical therapist taught me the first week here, that I am doing every day in bed. Though I am told the exercises will not really improve my condition, I still do them because I’m hopeful they will slow down further deterioration.

I have a hard time believing that I could feel this drastically horrible just because of “de-conditioning” …. this is not my first rodeo and I’ve done many long weeks of bedrest before and never felt this bad. But there doesn’t seem to be any other obvious reason … my blood pressure is staying up around “normal”; my hemoglobin and hematacrit are low but not insanely dangerously low. I’ve decided that perhaps it’s simply because my bedrest has never been this drastic before now … in the past I’ve always managed to get up for a little bit each day, whether it was throwing a load of laundry in the washer or walking downstairs for dinner. Now I am laying constantly, 99.9% of the day and I suppose that must be what’s making the difference in the way my body has responded.

Emotionally I am finding myself in similar territory. I mostly swing back and forth between moments of intense frustration, sadness, and overwhelming anxiety. I am annoyed and angry at my body, my circumstances, my confinement, and my inability to do even simple things by myself. I am homesick and sad because I miss my kids, my husband, and my old life. And I’m nearly paralyzed with worry and fear because I can’t quite seem to shake the feeling that something awful is about to happen.

Fighting the fear has become a daily battle. I mostly try to not think about the possibilities, and often I’m successful with that. But there are moments when it catches up with me and the anxiety is too strong to ignore. I am terrified at the thought of having a micro-preemie, or worse -- another stillbirth, and I find myself over-analyzing every bump, gurgle, and twinge I experience … Is my water breaking? Am I bleeding? How many contractions have I had this hour? Why isn’t the baby moving? It’s like waiting for the sky to fall. And I realize that, here I am again, now 25+ weeks into the pregnancy and I haven’t allowed myself to bond with this baby and I refuse to even give him a name for fear of “jinxing” it. As if that makes one bit of sense.

I also have equal amounts of worry for my family … this whole experience has been so hard for James and Gracie and Jamin. What condition will my family be in when this is all over? Will my kids be scarred and traumatized because their mother was absent for so long? Will my husband survive the stress of being thrown into single parenthood? Will Gracie be able to focus in school? Will Jamin start acting out in resentment? Already I can see the little cracks forming but I feel helpless to stop them. My kids appear to be struggling a little more this week … Gracie with some attention-seeking kinds of behaviors and Jamin melting down whenever he is separated from his dad and throwing frequent temper tantrums. And then there’s James … he is so strong and he puts on a brave face, but I can see in his eyes that he’s struggling and it hurts me.

I am desperate to go home and I’m hoping that perhaps once I get there some of my physical and emotional conflicts will begin to lessen. I had my 18th ultrasound two days ago and Dr. Mann was pleased … my cervix has lengthened back up to 2.5cm. The polyhydramnios has improved a teeny tiny bit. The placenta has not moved since last week, but my docs are now saying they could attempt a vaginal delivery based on it’s current location.

After the ultrasound, Dr. Mann said she was initially planning to keep me here until I hit 28 weeks, but if I wanted to “try” going home for a bit she would allow it. So we are cautiously planning for discharge sometime tomorrow (!!!!!) as long as my symptoms stay stable. I CAN NOT WAIT. I am trying not to let myself get too excited, in case it doesn’t happen, but that’s really hard to do of course. She warned me that there is a high likelihood I will end up back in the hospital again, and seemed fairly certain that we should anticipate that happening sometime in the next few weeks. From what they’re telling me, most likely I will have to return sometime soon for a magnesium sulfate wash. The possibility of needing this is highly distressing at the moment because I’m told the side effects are awful. More on this later. For now I’m pulling the denial card and it’s working quite well so I’m not ready to give that up yet!

Pray for us.

Solitary Confinement; Day 3 of 148

Friends, I have landed myself in the Slammer. The Big House. The Black Hole. The Pen. Or as my doctors and I like to call it:

THE COMPLETE LACK OF INDEPENDENCE AND MISERABLE CONFINEMENT ALSO KNOWN AS EXTENDED BEDREST.

Ugh. Extended .... as in .... a really long period of time. Twenty-one full weeks to be exact. Or 148 days. Or 3552 hours. But who's counting?

The last few weeks have been crazy and overwhelmingly stressful and ....... let's just say I haven't been in the best mood. Needless to say, blogging has landed somewhere around #450 on my list of Top 500 Things to Worry About. So while there are so many complicated things going on at the moment (more than I can possibly blog in one sitting), let me try to summarize how I got here:

12.5wks: I started having contractions

13wks: I began the weekly 17P injections and was told to reduce my activity and "put my feet up" as much as possible. Though Dr. Mann never explicitly said the dreaded "B" word, James and I knew what was coming and decided to plan ahead. So we began searching for a nanny to help out here at the house during the week.

14.5wks: My home nurse started making her weekly visits. I had ultrasound #10 and found out we are once again on TEAM BLUE - it's a boy! Dr. Mann also discovered I have Placenta Previa. These are categorized in order of severity as marginal, partial, or complete. Mine is a Complete Previa ..... because, it just wouldn't be a Kristi pregnancy if it weren't the worst case scenario, of course! I was told there was a "very good" chance the previa would resolve on it's own as the pregnancy progressed. If it didn't resolve, however, this would exponentially complicate matters since the biggest risk with a previa is hemorrhaging and of course I'm on blood thinners (Lovenox and Aspirin, to combat the Protein S Def), and also I tend to have early cervical thinning / preterm labor which in the case of a hemorrhaging previa would require immediate Csection, and could potentially be a very premature delivery.

17.5 wks: We hired a nanny, though she needed to work out a notice with her previous employer so she hadn't started yet. I had ultrasound #11, at which Dr. Mann reported a slight improvement in the location of the placenta, though I still had a complete previa. But she was hopeful that it may continue to move and eventually resolve itself. My cervix measured 3.5 cm long, which was down from my last measurement (4cm) a few weeks ago but still on the lower end of the "normal" range so cautiously we considered this a bit of good news. However she also found a new problem: Polyhydramnios. I had this with Jamin's pregnancy as well, it's basically too much amniotic fluid around the baby. There are several risks associated with this by itself, for me the most urgent being that it increases pressure on the cervix causing it to thin and dilate too early (which is already an existing problem for me). So again it's one more issue to further worsen the other issues. While all the complications are happening independently of one another (the previa, the preterm labor, the Protein S Deficiency, and now the polyhydramnios), the end result is that they all interact to negatively effect eachother and essentially make the next problem even worse.

I was given an oral medication called Indocin, which I also took repeatedly during my pregnancies with Isaac and Jamin. This drug is used to help slow contractions, though one of its (normally undesirable) side-effects is that it tends to reduce amniotic fluid. For most women this would create a problem, but for someone like me who has polyhydramnios, this side effect is actually what we're trying to achieve. The downside is that Indocin can only be taken for a max of 72 hours, because any longer than that can cause heart defects in the baby.

18.5 wks: Dr. Garcia signed a "Georgia Disabled Persons Parking Affidavit" and I was able to obtain a temporary handicapped parking pass. This felt a bit upsetting at first, but I quickly found it to be incredibly helpful and quite a relief for me, particularly during my weekly parking adventures at Northside. I had ultrasound #12 with Dr. Mann, which showed the previa unchanged and the polyhydramnios still present (meaning the 72-hrs of Indocin I took last week did not work). Worse news was that my cervix was now measuring 2.8cm (down from 3.5 just one week ago). I'm told a "normal" cervix at this gestational age should be somewhere around 4-5cm long .... whereas 2.8cm would be normal sometime around 36-38+ weeks gestation as delivery approaches. All of this brought Dr. Mann to finally utter that awful word that I've been so desperately hoping to avoid: BEDREST. She also told me to repeat a second 72-hr course of Indocin, and ordered a terbutaline pump and home monitoring of contractions with a toco machine (will blog more on this tomorrow).

I left there feeling extremely unhappy though not one bit surprised .... we knew all of this was coming, it was more just a question of when. The only thing that kept me from going into a complete panic was the fact that the new nanny, Sara, had just started working. Her first day was on Monday, and I was ordered to begin total bedrest on Tuesday! Yep, that's God's timing folks.

Today I finished my 3rd day of bedrest. Only 145 more to go! (Let's pretend that makes me feel better). I'd be completely lying if I said I'm not immensely freaked out by the long road ahead of us .... the list of complications we're facing and the potential for disaster has my mind spinning most days. But even still, I have this peace knowing that I seriously have the most amazing and highly-qualified team of doctors, and they are throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me. There is no medicine I'm not already on. There is no treatment, no intervention available that we're not already doing. They are literally doing every single thing in their (limited) human power to make this work ....... and guess what that means?? It's no longer up to us. This entire journey rests solely in God's very capable hands, as it has since Day 1 before my doctors and I even knew what obstacles were waiting for us. I don't know for certain that God has another happy ending in store for us, though of course that's what I'm praying for. But I do know that regardless of how this whole thing ends, He will carry us through and we will survive.

Please continue to pray for us!

Never a Dull Moment: 14.5 weeks

Oh how I have longed to be one those lucky lucky women who seem to sail right through pregnancy; whose bodies just naturally know what to do ... whose biggest worries consist of what color to paint the nursery and what style of shoes best accommodate their swollen feet.

Alas, I will never be one of those women.

I used to feel a little bitter about it, but really, that's just ugly. Over the last few years I've learned to let go of the envy and instead embrace the struggle. God gets to show off in a major way every time I am pregnant, and that's pretty cool, right?

But being in the midst of the battle means there's never a dull moment at the Wren house. Such has been the case over the last few weeks. Around 12 weeks I began feeling abdominal cramping, which at that time felt like a dull ache similar to menstrual-type cramps. Upon seeing that I had a higher white count in my urine, Dr. Garcia assumed I must have a bladder infection, and started me on an antibiotic. Two days later we got the test results back showing there was no bladder infection afterall. Nurse Debbie called to share the "good news", and I immediately began to cry. Indeed this was not good news to me ... it meant that the cramps must actually be contractions.

Since that time they have strengthened a bit, in frequency and severity. They are now more distinguishable as contractions, coming and going, worsening at different times of the day and under different circumstances. In addition I'm now feeling pain and pressure in my cervix whenever I stand or walk for more than a few minutes. Today I saw Dr. Garcia and he insisted on an ultrasound to measure the cervix, even though I am seeing Dr. Mann tomorrow and she will be doing the same measurement. I love that he takes no chances, waiting 24hrs was just not even an option for him. He is a better-safe-than-sorry kind of guy, and that is just one of the many reasons why I adore him so.

The ultrasound showed my cervix to be 4cm long, which is great news! Dr. Garcia ordered me to start the 17P injections today rather than wait until week 16 as we originally planned. The 17-Hydroxy-Progesterone is the weekly intra-muscular injection that is thought to reduce the risk of pre-term labor. Aetna Pharmacy had already shipped the vials and needles to me about a month ago, but had not yet finalized arrangements for a home nurse to administer these to me each week. So when I came home from Northside, I retrieved my medication and began searching for someone qualified to inject it for me. My first stop was to the sweet servants at the local fire station, who helped me repeatedly while I was pregnant with Jamin and having blood pressure problems. They were eager to help today but explained that their regulations forbid them from administering an injection unless I became a "patient" which meant I would have to go to the ER! No thanks :) I almost got up the nerve to inject myself in the leg muscle (pure desperation!) when I remembered two sweet friends with some medical training. Gotta love generous friends who don't mind getting their hands dirty to do you a favor!

So I was able to get my first shot this afternoon, and beginning next week Aetna will be sending a nurse to my home each week to do these for me. The "standard" protocol requires 17P to continue weekly until 34 weeks gestation (though the thought of "standard" is almost laughable to me!) ... but if this is the case I will have about 20 more of these shots left. This got me thinking about my Lovenox shots, and for the sake of entertainment I decided to count those too. Now I'm wishing I hadn't counted! So far I've had 67 Lovenox injections (tonight will make 68), and if my math is right I have about 196 more to go. I haven't shared the bad news with my tummy yet (it won't be too happy).

In happier news, we are insanely anxious to finally learn the gender of the baby! I've had three ultrasounds in the last three weeks (one today in fact), each time hoping to learn whether we'd be on Team Pink or Team Blue this go-round. Alas, each time the technician could only manage to tell me: Team Yellow. Ugh! I hate hate hate hate hate not knowing! And yes I do realize I am an impatient brat and yes I know that most women have to wait until 20 weeks to find out. I have no earthly idea how these women control themselves that long because I would literally pull my hair out if I was forced to wait until then! So kudos to you ladies! You have much more self-control than I do!

Hopefully our waiting game will end tomorrow, when I see Dr. Mann. She assured me at my visit 3wks ago that we would definitely be able to tell the gender this time ... so unless the baby is curled into a teeny tiny ball with a metal plate covering the pertinent parts, I think our membership on Team Yellow will finally come to a close. James, Gracie, and I are all hoping for Team Pink this time, though James says he has a "feeling" it's a boy. Gracie has her heart completely set on a sister, who she plans to name Moe. She has very firmly made up her mind and I'm pretty sure she's not changing it. I tried to talk to her about the possibility of another brother, to which she declared that we will just dress him in pink and call him Moe anyways. So this could present a slight problem. And I am cheering for a girl, just because the last two have both been boys and it would be fun to have some pink in the house again. But of course I know that my plans are not God's plans (only took me 31 years to figure that one out!), so I will take whatever He gives me :)

Stay tuned for the big announcement tomorrow!

Fast Forward!

A few weeks have passed since my last post, I've been generally whiny and feeling an overwhelming lack of energy ... to the point that the very thought of blogging was enough to make me tired. Blahh. Here's a condensed version of the last few weeks:

I've had three more ultrasounds ...... the 5th being at the Perinatologist office due to sudden onset of heavy bleeding around 9 1/2 weeks. Dr. Mann was not available, so I saw one of her colleagues Dr. Matsumoto ... or as she calls him: Dr. HOT-su-moto. She calls him this because, well, he's kinda young and hot. Not really the guy you want to see when you have to explain how you have blood gushing from your nether-regions. Yeah, so that was a pleasant experience. The good news is that he was able to very clearly see that the blood was originating at the cervix -- not the placenta -- so that was a best-case scenario for us really. Disaster averted.

My 6th ultrasound was done about a week later, another "quickie" scan at Dr. Garcia's office. And the 7th was last week, with Dr. Mann during our nuchal translucency screening. It was so fun to see the baby again ... wiggling and spinning and waiving. The best part was that I got excellent results from the screening and all seems to be progressing just as it should. I was only 12w1d at the time of the scan, but even so Dr. Mann offered to take a peek at the "special parts" to try and determine the gender. She squinted and strained and did everything but stand her her head ..... but alas, just too early to tell. She said if we'd had one more week it would've been so much more clear. I knew ahead of time that the chances of being able to determine the gender at 12wks is super slim so I really wasn't surprised or disappointed. I see her again in 2 1/2 weeks and she promised we would know for sure by then! :) I am still hoping for team PINK, all the while recognizing I get absolutely zero say in the matter and will simply have to take whatever is given to me! James says he is cheering for team Pink, but has a "feeling" it's a boy again this time. Only time will tell!

I saw Dr. Duncan (aka Dr. Genius) about two weeks ago for my hematology appt. My bloodwork from the previous appointment (taken around 7wks gestation) came back showing my Protein S levels to have plummeted down to 25. It is normal for Protein S to decline naturally during pregnancy, but it's definitely not normal for it to drop this low. We expected it, though, since the exact same thing happened at the very beginning of my pregnancy with Jamin, when my level was about 24 at week 7. The concern comes from the fact that my Protein S will continue to fall throughout the pregnancy, so then it becomes a game of "how low will it go???" All we can do is continue to watch it and adjust my Lovenox dosage as needed. But oooohhh how much better I feel this go-round just knowing I am in the hands of one of the most competent hematologists in the country and he is watching me closely. He took another 800 bottles of blood from me at my last visit and I am still waiting on those results. His nurse is actually supposed to call me tomorrow, fingers crossed.

I am now 12w5d and beginning to have some painful cramping. I saw Dr. Garcia today for my regularly scheduled appt ... he says I have a high # of white cells in my urine so he's speculating the pain is caused by a UTI, aka bladder infection. He sent off a culture of course, but the results will take 48hrs to get back to us so in the meantime he's already started me on an antibiotic just in case. Tonight the pain is literally worsening with each passing hour, so I'm beginning to feel a wee bit nervous and praying it's really just a UTI and not something more worrisome. I began having contractions with Jamin around week 16, and with Isaac at week 12 so of course my mind is already running away with that possibility. He also gave me a pap while I was there today (just because it was time), and so now I'm bleeding profusely again because my stinkin cervix apparently is so frail it begins to bleed if the wind blows too hard or if someone stares at me too long. Doesn't take much.

So I'm back to where I started: feeling generally whiny. Now you see why I took a break from blogging?? :)

Fingers, Toes, and Pink Hair Bows...

So I had my 3rd and 4th ultrasounds this week. The 3rd being on Wednesday at Dr. Garcia's office. I was 9w0d at the time. This was a "quickie" ultrasound just to make sure we still have a heartbeat and all is well, since I'm too early for them to pick up the heartbeat on the doppler. He has a mini-sized bedside machine which he can wheel right into the exam room and do a quick scan, no need to schedule with the ultrasound tech and use the "Mucho Grande" machine. I think that's so cool that his office does that ......... have I mentioned lately how much I adore my doctor?!?!?! Gosh I'm here to tell ya, having a doctor you completely trust with an office staff that's caring and efficient -- well unfortunately that's extremely hard to find and therefore is pretty much priceless in my book.

Baby measured exactly 9w0d so growth is right on target. I was reminded once again how amazingly developed an unborn baby is, even this young ... we could see little arms and legs clearly visible, and an irresistibly cute profile that reminds me a bit of a gummy bear. As Dr. Garcia fumbled with the machine trying to get a good recording of the heartbeat I asked him, "Do ya see a pink hairbow in there?!?!" He laughed and explained he was trying to look at baby's heart (okay okay, slightly more important than the hairbow), but then joked that maybe he did in fact see something sparkly around the cranial area. He later printed a picture for my memory book, asked the nurse for a red pen, and stepped into the hall. He came back a moment later and handed me the photo, which had one small hand-drawn modification. It didn't show up well when I tried to scan the image and make it digital, so I used photoshop to enhance it a bit. You get the idea:

Still too early to tell for sure, but undeniably I am already itching for some more pink in the house. It will be at least 4-6 weeks or more before we'll get an actual ultrasound view that will tell us pink or blue (poo! I hate waiting!). So until then I'm thinking lots of pink and sparkly thoughts and pretending to be patient.

My 4th ultrasound was this morning, and it was 100% medically unnecessary. Just for the sake of a good cause (well, okay, and my own entertainment too)! My pals at the Pregnancy Resource Center, where I volunteered for a few years before Jamin arrived, called me this week asking if I would be their "model". They were training some new ultrasound technicians today and basically needed a preggie person to be their guinea pig. I was happy to oblige! I got to stare at my little one on the screen for almost two hours and share time with some sweet women so it was definately a win-win for me! I didn't spot any hairbows this time, but I did get to see something even cooler: the baby is moving already! Seriously, I'm certain I've had at least 50 ultrasound scans between the 4 pregnancies but there's something about seeing those little hands waiving at you that just never gets old. I was so tickled to have the chance to see baby kicking and wiggling, especially at 9w3d, and struck once again how God can pack such amazingness into something so tiny.

Here's a little video glimpse from this morning .... it's a pretty blurry image but you're looking at baby's head on the left side of the screen, belly in the middle, then legs and feet kicking on the right-hand side.

Hebrews 11:6

I had two more ultrasounds this week (details to come in a later post, promise). Baby's measurements exactly matched my LMP this time, so growth is going just perfectly and the heartbeat is strong and right where it should be! I dunno why exactly, but for some reason I was surprised by this good news. It's either my general lack of a positive attitude, or my lack of faith in God's goodness and power, or maybe it's a combination of both. But during the week I spend waiting in between doctor's appointments I find myself convinced that the pregnancy is doomed and I begin telling myself not to get too attached. For my last two OB appointments, in fact, I've shown up there fully expecting to hear some kind of tragically terrible news. I mentally prepare myself for it days before I get there. And then we do an ultrasound and I lay there like a dumbfounded fool because all I keep getting is perfectly fabulous good news. So I leave the office feeling fantastic and excited, and roughly 2-3 days later the doom and gloom sets in and the process repeats itself.

It is a constant mental battle -- and a spiritual battle, I'm embarrassed to acknowledge -- and I'm trying really hard to fight harder and stay focused and not allow myself to fall into that pitfall each week. At church this past weekend my pastor spoke about how fear will give us memory loss ...... we get so scared that we forget the miracles God has already done for us in the past, and instead we focus only on the scary circumstances we're in at the present and we begin to think surely we're doomed.

Well as you can imagine that message certainly hit me like a ton of bricks.

He might as well have cued a big spotlight right onto my chair and waived to me from the pulpit. Hello! Kristi! God is speaking to you! Are you listening? DUH. I mean, could I possibly be a more ungrateful, unfaithful doubter? Look what God has already done for me! Look at the miracles He has performed! They are all right here recorded in this very blog, should I need a reminder. Not to mention the fact that there is living proof of His miraculous power, giggling and toddling around my house with a big baldy head and chunky little legs, and I stare at him all day long ... how could I possibly forget?? How could I have the audacity to doubt? Is my faith so weak and my trust so frail as to think God isn't capable of doing the EXACT SAME THING He's already done before?

Well I'm determined to fight the fears and the unbelief, and I know the only way to do that is to get my head in the Word and keep it there each and every day. But I need help, friends, I need accountabilty. So if you are my brother or sister in Christ I'm asking you first to pray for me and second to call me out when you see me. Hold my feet to the fire! Ask me how I'm doing and if I'm standing firm. I know myself well enough to know this is a serious area of weakness for me and I also know that without faith it is impossible to please God, so this is certainly not something I'm willing to ignore any longer.

Also feel free to smack me in the head every once in a while, it's for my own good so I'm giving you permission. I promise not to freak out. It will be like that V8 commercial ....



"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Hebrews 11:6

Meet Baby Wren #4!

Well, it's official. We had our second ultrasound last week, this time we saw a teeny tiny embryo and a perfect little heartbeat fluttering away at 133 beats per minute. Baby is measuring 2-4 days small but Dr. Garcia feels that all is well.

My actual due date is January 19, though of course our ultimate goal will be 36wks again which would put us around December 22-ish. At this point I feel compelled to confess:

I am still in complete disbelief that this is actually happening.

Dunno why I can't seem to wrap my brain around the whole thing ... we've known for weeks now and yet I haven't seemed to move past the shock and denial of it all. I certainly am beginning to feel pregnant --- a little nausea here and there and fatigue so severe that most afternoons I have to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks. I'm still in the gym twice a week (trying to hold on as long as I can ...) but in general I just feel WEAK. It's weird how something so tiny can physically wreak havoc on you in a matter of days really. From an emotional standpoint I would be lying if I didn't admit I'm feeling quite disconnected from this little life, which I know from experience is just a self-defense mechanism so I'm trying not to heap guilt on myself for it. I know the bonding part will come in time .... I'm planning to not let myself wait until 20+ weeks like I did last time!

I've been back on the lovenox injections nightly for about three weeks now .... needless to say my poor abdomen is completely covered in dark purple spots. I actually never completely got rid of the bruised-tummy look, despite the fact that I was off the shots for a total of 1 year and 4 days. I've been carrying around two gigantic brown bruises, about 2-inches in diameter, on either side of my belly-button for over a year now. These are souvenirs from Jamin. I've had several different doctors look at them (hematologist, dermatologist, obstetrician), and they've all told me various versions of the same thing: these are signs of deep tissue damage caused by repeated trauma of lovenox and heparin shots. They may continue to fade with time, but all of my doc's have gently suggested that I try to get used to them, as they are likely to be permanent without some kind of laser treatment. My hematologist explained that the heparin is probably to blame more than the lovenox ... bruising and scaring on heparin tends to be worse and I was injecting heparin for a total of 16 weeks due to preterm labor, rather than the 2 or 3 weeks we had originally planned. I am quite offended that nobody warned me about this ahead of time! And I'm secretly hoping that maybe if I am able to stick with the lovenox for a longer period of time this go-round maybe I can avoid more ugly scars. Well, a girl can hope anyways. In the meantime I've been trying to rotate my injection sites around every night, in an effort to share the love so to speak, and not bombard one or two spots repeatedly. I have no idea if this means that I am less likely to get two giant areas of "tissue trauma", or if it just means I will end up with twenty little spots of "tissue trauma". I also can't decide which is worse.

A month ago I was actually looking forward to getting a new bikini this summer. Now ........ mmmmm ......... notsomuch. Here is the last "normal" picture I will probably have of myself for awhile, taken on Memorial Day (7weeks) before the bruising got bad:

Please excuse my ultra-grumpy expression .... I think I was annoyed at James because he was rushing me. :) Not my fault ......... it's the HORMONES!!!

Foggy Brain

So much has happened since we discovered our pregnancy shocker, my brain is on overdrive but still can't seem to keep up. Apparently it is still in stage 1: SHOCK AND AWE, and hasn't been able to fully move on to stages 2,3,4,5,6,and 7 which include analyzing repeated doctor visits, scrutinizing lab tests, inquiring about prescriptions, organizing insurance paperwork, and all the rest.

After the home pregnancy test on Saturday 5/15, I called my OB, Dr. Garcia (who I absolutely adore) at my earliest opportunity which was that Monday. He wanted me to come in immediately, so I went that afternoon. He did some bloodwork, which came back showing my progesterone at 35.12 and HcG at 701. So we were happy with those results. The following Friday night 5/21, I began spotting of course. Never fails, I've done this 4 times now! And it always seems to happen on a weekend, when I have no way of getting in to the doctor. The panic set in full-throttle and I laid low all weekend, tried to stay off my feet, and started the internal pep talk where I attempt to convince myself not to worry.

By Monday 5/24 I was back in Dr. Garcia's office for an ultrasound. I was 5w5d along at that time. They could see a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but no embryo. They could also see blood, but couldn't determine where it was coming from or what was causing it. He basically told me it was 50/50, could go either way ... either I had ovulated a little late in my cycle, making it a few days too early to see an embryo, or the pregnancy was not viable and was doomed to miscarry. I tried to stay positive but found that to be difficult, particularly because we had seen Jamin's heartbeat via ultrasound at that same gestational age. He did more bloodwork, and the results came back on Tuesday showing progesterone at 42.4 and HcG at 10,526 ... a very encouraging sign.

Wednesday I saw my GI Specialist, Dr. Manocha, who has been trying to help me manage some problems since February. I was given an endoscopy in March and found to have gastritis, an H.Pylori infection, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I've been on multiple medications to help alleviate the pain and symptoms .... all of which I had to stop taking cold turkey the day I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately there is pretty much nothing he can give me now that I am preggo, so with sympathy in his eyes he told me to call him next year after I've delivered and stopped breastfeeding. In the meantime I guess I will have to grin and bare it, and pray it doesn't get too unbearable. I have days where I have almost no symptoms and I feel fine, and then a flare-up will come and I'll be miserable for several straight days. There seems to be no reason or pattern behind it, though we do know that hormones and stress tend to aggravate it.

Thursday I was back at Dr. Garcia's office to repeat the bloodwork. Those results came on Friday and showed progesterone at 37.3 and HcG at 20,878! In a healthy pregnancy, HcG is supposed to double every 48 hours, so this was a reassuring result for us since it was roughly twice the level that was measured on Monday afternoon. Based on the bloodwork alone, we are now feeling confident that the pregnancy is viable. The nausea and EXTREME fatigue I've started feeling over the last three days are just icing on the cake. Annoying to deal with, but good sign of a healthy pregnancy .... so I'll take it.

I go back Wednesday at 1:00 for another ultrasound and exam with Dr. Garcia. I will be 7w0d so we fully expect to see an embryo and a strong heartbeat!

Countdown: T minus 18 hours

THURSDAY MORNING UPDATE:

I can't start without first thanking each of you from the bottom of my heart, for your continued prayers and encuraging words. God is doing miracles already today and there is no doubt in my mind that He is hearing each of those prayers. Please keep 'em coming!!!!

I got about 6 hours of sleep last night. That was miracle #1!! Gracie slept like a total log all night long ........... miracle #2. Mom drove me to Northside this morning while Laura stayed at the house with Gracie. We ran into some traffic but made it there in about an hour: miracle #3!

I had my 18th (and hopefully final) ultrasound, and Jamin looks fantastic: miracle #4. They estimate he weighs about 5 lbs 14oz. Then Dr. Mann came in to do the amnio, at which point I was so terrified I was trying not to shake. It went well and we survived: MIRACLE #5!!!! It hurt pretty badly, but only lasted for like 30 seconds. I kept my eyes closed, focused on holding very still, and just prayed through the whole thing. So I didn't see anything scary, but my mom reported it was not a pleasant site to observe. I was then hooked up to the NST monitor for about 20 minutes after the amnio, just to make sure the baby was doing okay after the procedure, and all looked well.

On the way home I called Laura to check on Gracie. She reported that Gracie woke up in a fantastic mood and seemed to be feeling really good, she ate a banana and some water for breakfast: MIRACLE #6!!! What a giagantic relief!

I then got a call from James telling me that WWIII was avoided and our family drama appears to have reached some peaceful resolution: MIRACLE #7!!!!

So much has turned around in the last 12 hours .... oh the Lord is at work!!

I've been resting and trying to stay off my feet as much as possible since I returned home. Laura went back to work and mom has gone home, so it's just me and Gracie for now. She is perky and energetic like her "normal" self, and has had a piece of bread and more water and a lollypop in the last hour.

Please continue to pray for us. We are expecting to get a call with amnio results sometime between maybe 4:30ish and 6:30ish tonight. At that point we will get Gracie handed over to her Grammie, and James and I will head back to the hospital for admission.

Please pray for: mature lungs, minimal confusion receiving amnio results and coordinating admission, and decent sleep for James and I tonight. Also please pray for traveling mercies for my sister, who will likely end up on a red-eye flight tonight from Colorado back to GA.

God is in control of all of these details and so much more! We are so incredibly grateful for your prayers!

I will update more tonight as things change ...........

Makin' plans

Today was a super busy day. It began at 9am when I got a phone call from Gracie's beloved preschool teacher, Mrs. Meyer, who apologetically informed me that Gracie has been exposed to head lice by one of her classmates. Isn't that fabulous timing? I seriously had to hold back the tears on the phone, I simply can not add anything else to my plate right now. I am completely overwhelmed as it is, both emotionally and physically, ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So I've been nervously checking her sweet little head every chance I get, and so far I don't see anything. I am PRAYING that nothing materializes, I will just lose my mind if I am having to fumagate my entire house and scramble to rid my baby of nasty bugs next week on top of preparing for Jamin's arrival. I am seriously way over my stress limit as it is.

My blood pressure problems have been worsening this week. This is something that we've been fighting for the last 6 weeks or so - my pressure basically drops super low periodically throughout the day. I will have these episodes where I feel totally fine one moment, then tingly and faint the next minute. They have been giving me IV fluids at the hematologist to try and help boost my pressure, but that only helps for a day or two at best. Wednesday I had Brandi take me to the fire station since it's right around the corner from my house .... my pressure was 86/40. The paramedic explained (and my doctor's have confirmed), that basically this is a result of me being a thin person, and my body is just overwhelmed with the pregnancy and all the medications I'm on.

My contractions have been increasing to insane frequency this week as well. I'm regularly having 6-7 contractions per hour ... earlier this week I topped out at a record 9 in one hour. I am feeling very heavy and painful pressure down "THERE"; I swear when I get up to pee I'm thinking, "Jamin please don't fall out!". It's crazy. I can definately attest to the fact that my body is about to give up on this whole pregnancy thing.

My mom arrived at noon today to drive me to my TWO back-to-back doctor's appointments. I saw Dr. Mann first, and had ultrasound #17. Jamin looks great, he weighs approximately 5lb 11oz! (This should put him in the neighborhood of about 6lb 3oz at birth.) I then saw Dr. Garcia, who felt my cervix and reported I'm about 2cm dilated and still 80% effaced. He looked me square in the face today and said, "I absolutely can not believe you are still pregnant!". I told him ... me neither, but my God is in the miracle business!

We are all set up for next week's induction. Here's the plan at this point:
Thursday 4/9 I will have the amnio at 9:30am, performed by Dr. Mann at Northside Hospital. She must have the sample off to the lab by 10am in order to receive the results back same-day. We are expecting results around dinnertime Thursday evening. This will be after office hours, so it will be the on-call physician who will call my house with the results. If we get the green light, then we will grab our bags and head to Northside Hospital to be admitted (late) Thursday night. They want to have me in a room and prepped the night before the induction.

Because I've been having issues with my blood pressure, Dr. Garcia wants to "drown me with fluids" he said .... his goal is to get about 3bags of IV fluids in me between Thursday night and Friday morning. He will arrive Friday morning 4/10 around 7:30am to begin the induction. He will start a pitocin drip and break my water and hopefully it will be quick!

I will have to come off my aspirin this weekend, and off my heparin by Wednesday, so that it's all out of my system 24hrs before the amnio. By induction time it will have been 48hrs since my last heparin dose. This is pushing it a little to have no anti-coagulants for this length of time, but my docs are confident we'll be okay. At least with plenty of time for these meds to wash out of my system, it means it should be safe to get an epidural, which is a gigantic relief for me!

We WILL have to take special precautions with the epidural, since I'm allergic to fentanyl (one of the narcotics commonly included inside the epi). Dr. Garcia says the anesthesiologist should be able to exclude just the fentanyl and leave the rest, and I should still get adequate pain control. The epidural also lowers your blood pressure, so they will be watching me closely for that. The 3 bags of fluids should help combat this problem.

SOOOOOOOO .... hopefully we will have a healthy baby here by Friday afternoon! I will plan to take the laptop with us to the hospital, and I'll have James try to post an 'announcement' on the blog for everyone.

We will re-start the heparin approx. 12 hours after delivery. That will continue twice a day for 6 weeks post-partum. It is safe to take while breastfeeding.

Please be much in prayer for us as we limp through these last few days! Here are the specifics that are worrying me:
1. No head lice for Gracie .... PLEASE JESUS!!!
2. No spontaneous labor, Jamin needs to hold on until Friday 4/10!!
3. Safe amnio on Thursday, minimal pain with NO COMPLICATIONS
4. Fast amnio results showing MATURE LUNGS
5. Minimal confusion receiving amnio results and coordinating hospital admission
6. Decent sleep Thursday night for both myself and James.
7. Maintain safe blood pressure levels
8. Labor free from complications and Jamin HEALTHY AND STRONG at delivery
9. Resolution of a family thing, which I can't discuss, but the Lord knows what it is .... please just pray for "THE issue" to be resolved with minimal stress and hurt feelings.

I am so so grateful for your love and prayers, for your phone calls, for your sweet offers of help, for the food you've sent, or your words of encouragement .......... THANK YOU!!! The Lord has truly just carried us through this whole journey, and one way He has done that is through the generosity of our friends and family. To Him be all the honor and glory forever and ever, amen!!!

33 Fun-Facts

Growing up, my family would always kid that I was the queen of "fun-facts", a.k.a ........ useless bits of information that most people don't really care much about. Today I've decided it would be fun to share 33 little facts about my pregnancy, to celebrate 33 weeks of pregnancy. Many thanks to my dear friend Katie for sharing this idea. So sit back, pay close attention, and get your #2 pencils ready. There will be a pop quiz sometime next week.


1. I am now 33 weeks pregnant. To date, I have had 16 ultrasounds, 47 doctors appointments, 19 cervical exams, and approximately 304 needle sticks. The needle number breaks down to 140 lovenox shots, 17 progesterone injections, 112 heparin shots, 27 blood draws, 1 diabetes screening, 2 steriod injections at the hospital, and 5 IV's.

2. In an average week, I'm currently having about 672 contractions, swallowing 63 pills, choking down about 70 peppermint Tums, and spending 21+ hours attached to my toco monitor.

3. I tried to count the number of times I've complained ..... but let's just be realistic .... totally impossible to estimate.

4. Maternity clothes and I don't really get along. After three pregnancies, I can honestly say that I have never owned a single pair of maternity pants that fit me. This time around, I decided not to waste my money, and instead focused on buying "normal" clothes one size bigger than I would normally wear. This method has worked beautifully, up until about 2-3 weeks ago. It now requires a small miracle to button my jeans, and the change to warmer weather has left me with no short-sleeved shirts to wear. I refuse to buy anything else, though, since I only get to leave the house for doctor appointments and I keep thinking the baby will come any day now.

5. I am secretly terrified that I'm going to stab Jamin in the head with my heparin needle. The logical part of me knows this is pretty much impossible to do with a normal-sized syringe, but the mom part of me worries nonetheless. Since I inject in my stomach, right near the belly button, I practically hold my breath every 12 hours and try to think happy thoughts. This has gotten especially difficult lately, since Jamin moves and rolls and kicks non-stop, so injecting is like trying not to hit a moving target. I can literally feel him rolling under my fingers when I put the needle in. Add in a dose of terbutaline, which results in uncontrollably shaky hands, and you can understand my paranoia.

6. I recently found out that heparin is made from the intestinal mucous of a pig. Yes you read that correctly. Apparently the same is true for lovenox. I learned this lovely little tidbit after asking Dr. Garcia why the pamphlets from the pharmacy have warnings about allergies to pork and pork products. Since Dr. Garcia is constantly kidding around and exaggerating for the sake of a good laugh, I honestly thought his explanation was a joke until I got home and looked at my heparin vials. Sure enough, right there on the packaging, it says: "Porcine Intestinal Mucosa". So now when I inject my heparin, I must control my fear of stabbing the baby, steady my trembling terbualine hands, beg Jamin to hold still, AND I must also control my gag reflex while fighting off visions of pig intestines. It's gotten to be quite a task!

7. I have a medic-alert bracelet, which I ordered the very first week of my pregnancy. I wear it every single time I leave the house because I have this fear that I will collapse while alone in public and no one will know what the heck to do with me. My bracelet contains my name, a description of my most important injections, a list of my drug allergies, and emergency contact numbers for James and Dr. Garcia. I honestly won't venture past the mailbox without that thing on my arm.

8. If I have a choice between drinking a glass of water, or a coke, I almost always go for the coke. Yes I often feel guilty for it. But I'm almost positive it doesn't make me a bad mother.

9. I am convinced that I have taken more medication during this pregnancy than I have in the previous 29 years of my life combined. I have no way of proving that, but nonetheless I'm quite positive it's true. And it bothers me immensely.

10. I'm equally convinced that I know more details about pregnancy complications than most medical professionals. I can easily quote statistical studies of cervical measurements and their corresponding rates of preterm delivery, the failure rates of 17P, or the percentage of fetal fibronectin inaccuracies.

11. I haven't been able to touch my toes since around Christmas-time. I normally keep a strict foot-regimen and maintain my own professional-looking pedi, but my lack of flexibility has resulted in an embarrassingly unkempt appearance. Every week when I see Dr. Garcia and put my feet up in those dreaded stirrups, I feel the overwhelming need to apologize. He usually rolls his eyes, and tells me that he's seen lots of gross things in all his years of medical practice and unpainted toenails don't even crack his top 100. I believe him, yet feel embarrassed anyways.

12. I *can* still shave my legs, though doing so requires a serious feat of olympic-worthy gymnastics. By the time I'm done I'm so exhausted that I literally have to sit down in the shower to catch my breath, at which point I half expect to see Bela Karolyi burst in shouting, "Zat vaz faantasteek my leetle friend!" while waiving a gold medal and a bouquet of wild flowers in the air. But so far, no Bela ... no gold medal ... and no acknowledgement of my super-human one-footed back-bending abilities. It's kind of disappointing to be honest.

13. I can personally attest to the fact that it really IS possible to get heartburn from ingesting only a sip of water. It makes no difference what I eat, or when I eat, or how much I eat. Even when I DON'T eat ..... the result is constant unbearable heartburn. In the morning I wake up, on an empty stomach, with heartburn. If I'm in a sitting position, but bend over slightly (to write, or type, or sew) I can literally feel acid coming up my throat. I have tried Zantac, Tagament, Protonix, and endless bottles of Tums. There is no cure.

14. Despite spending countless hours confined to my bed ..... I hardly EVER turn on the the tv. I spend most of my time playing games with Gracie, or surfing with the computer in my lap, or on the phone, or making lists, or working on sewing projects. Honestly the only time my tv gets turned on is when Gracie wants to watch Noggin, or when James gets home from work.

15. I remain amazed/horrified/entranced/scared to death by the endless ways pregnancy alters my body. So far I have gained 15 lbs, but my waist has grown NINE INCHES! Yes I measure it. No I'm not obsessed. I just like to record every detail, it's so neat to look back on later. I can tell you, for instance, that while I currently weigh less than I did when 33 wks pregnant with Gracie, my tummy is much larger in size now than it was back then.

16. A few weeks ago I noticed that I'm developing melasma on my upper cheeks. This is the nicely-named "mask of pregnancy" .... basically extra pigment, though it should be only temporary, praise Jesus. I never had this with either of the other two pregnancies, but it's quite ugly. One more ego-buster on top of all the other ego-busters pregnant mommies must endure ....

17. Hormones will apparently cause extra hair to grow in strange places. 'Nuff said on that subject.

18. I am baffled and completely intimidated at the prospect of shopping for a nursing bra.

19. I often worry about the physical difficulties I may face after Jamin is born .... just getting my body to function normally again. Right now I can only walk short distances without pain shooting thru my weakened leg muscles, and a trip up the stairs causes serious fatigue and breathlessness. Most days I feel like a 30-year-old woman in a 90-year-old body.

20. I've decided whoever started the rumor that "pregnancy is beautiful" has clearly never been pregnant before. See #4, #11, #12, #15, #16, and #17.

21. The later stages of pregnancy have given me crazy dreams. Not the "oh-la-la" kind of crazy dreams, but the "I-need-a-psychiatric-evaluation" kind of crazy dreams.

22. I have learned that people really do stare when you go to a public place in a wheelchair. Traveling this way has been a very eye-opening experience.


23. I am completely terrified of getting stretch marks. So twice a day, for the duration of my pregnancy, I have slathered $79-a-bottle prevention cream all over my abdomen. I have no idea if it will actually make a difference, but my fear of stretch marks is worse than my fear of wasting money.

24. Sometimes in conversation when I'm talking about Jamin, I accidentally call him Isaac. It freaks me out and I hate it.

25. I have a freakish-looking marble-sized hand tumor on the top of my right wrist. Dr. Garcia tells me it's just a ganglion cyst .... basically a minor thing but a serious annoyance. Occasionally my three middle fingers will go numb. Dr. Garcia referred me to his hand surgeon and I'm planning to pay him a visit once I'm not pregnant anymore (I think I have enough doctors for the time being!)

26. Despite my now proficient use of needles, I *still* have to look away EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a blood draw. There are just some things you don't ever get used to.

27. I've had my packed hospital bag sitting by the door for the last 7 weeks, and I'm convinced that the one time I forget to bring my cellphone to the doctor with me will inevitably be the time I am sent to the hospital in labor.

28. I find myself extremely annoyed by the women who sail through pregnancy with zero complications but yet have the nerve to make a huge fuss about minor things like swollen feet.

29. I absolutely, unequivocally, can not WAIT to have my body and my life back ... yet at the same time I know, without a doubt (because I am nuts), that in the very near future I will feel extremely sad and miss being pregnant.

30. I am astounded to think of how drastically my perspective has changed from the first pregnancy to the third. The things that seemed so gigantically worrisome the first time -- like whether I'd require a C-Section or whether I'd master the art of breastfeeding -- really seem so trivial to me now. I could honestly care less about that stuff at this point, as long as my baby ends up safely at home with me.

31. I've had to physically restrain myself from choking people who find out about my bedrest situation and make comments like, "I sure wish **I** could lay in bed all day and have people waiting on **me** hand and foot!!!" ...... as if being stripped of your freedom, confined to your bed for 23 hours a day and allowed to do NOTHING beyond wiping your own bottom and worrying endlessly about the safety of your baby and the well-being of your family is actually a VACATION and not TORTURE.

32. My needle bruises have served as comic relief throughout my pregnancy. About 2 months ago I was making an "emergency" trip to Dr. Garcia's office ... it was one of those scheduled over the phone, be-here-in-30-minutes kind of appointments. I have *never* seen any other provider at his office, because I just have too much going on and no one else really wants to deal with me, but on this day Dr. Garcia was out so they stuck me in quickly to see a midwife named Mia, who was super sweet. She made jovial conversation with me, checked me out, and then lifted my shirt to do the "push on your belly" maneuver .... at which point she stopped dead in her tracks. Her lighthearted demeanor immediately became urgently serious, and she pulled up a chair, sat down next to my exam table, and grabbed my hand. Thinking she must've seen something hugely problematic, I began to panic. Then she looked right into my eyes and said, "Kristi, I need you to tell me right now how you got those bruises on your stomach. Is your husband unhappy about the pregnancy?"

33. In spite of all the hardships and challenges this whole experience has brought us, I don't regret our decision to take the plunge. Even if I had known eighteen months ago all that was in store for us, I would choose to do it again without hesitation. I'm just so grateful to be pregnant.

Awesome News!!

Today was a big day. I got to shave my legs AND put on makeup AND dry my hair! WHEW, I know, stop the press, right? Well for me it was a big deal anyways. I actually felt somewhat like a normal person.

But wait .... my day got even better. Way better in fact. First of all, today marks 29weeks 0days. A huge victory! Second, I had my weekly check-in with Dr. Mann today (my perinatologist) and we got a fantastic report! I was actually super nervous leading up to this appointment, because I had the + Ffn test last week and my contractions have become progressively more painful and more frequent over the last three days especially. So I was practically holding my breath during the ultrasound today, to the point that I was laying there thinking, "well, at least my hospital bag is packed already". Once again my lack of faith was showing.

As it turned out, my cervix measured 2.5cm today! That's great compared to my previous measurements! And .... Jamin has gained a whole pound in the last three weeks. He's now up to 2lbs 14oz! Goodness I breathed such a huge sigh of relief.

Dr. Mann is still concerned about the contractions, so she gave me some oral terbutaline to take as needed since my insurance company is still denying the terbutaline pump. Her other gripe was my weight. Again. I'm telling you, she just really never seems to get past that. I have gained back about 2.5 of the 4lbs I had lost in the hospital .... thanks in part to the delicious chocolate cake that Mrs. Parmer baked me and the yellow iced cookies that Jerah brought! YUM. I tried to tell Dr. Mann that there was really no need to worry, because the Girl Scout down the street promised that my six boxes of cookies should be arriving by next Tuesday, and this means that five of them will be gone by Friday. But apparently she wasn't convinced.

So she's putting me on a special high-protein diet. She wants me to consume EIGHTY GRAMS of protein a day! I don't even know if that's humanly possible, I guess we'll find out. She wants me to accomplish this by drinking three protein shakes a day each containing at least 20grams, plus eating my normal three meals a day totaling 20 more grams. I told her I'm worried that the three shakes will fill me up and make it so I'm not hungry enough to eat three normal sized meals .... and she told me if I have to pick between a shake or a meal she wants me to drink the shake. I'm glad I asked b/c I probably would've done the opposite thinking it was the better choice.

So ... tomorrow James is heading out to GNC to do some protein shopping. I think it's too bad that I'm confined to bed, otherwise we could take advantage of this opportunity to pump me up and enter a bodybuilding contest. Wonder if they allow pregnant women to enter the competition? Hmm. Of course, my legs are in the beginning stages of muscle atrophy due to five weeks of constant laying, and I don't think they give out an award for "worst atrophy". Pooh. I could totally win that one.

Thank you to everyone who is saying prayers for us, clearly God is hearing and He is unfolding a miracle before our eyes! We are so grateful to have made it this far, and even more grateful that it appears we will be able to squeeze a few more weeks out of this pregnacy! God is good.

Watch us grow!

Throughout our journey I've been keeping a small pregnancy journal, called The Belly Book. Fellow Mommies, if you're looking for a once-a-week easy way to keep your pregnancy memories organized, this book is for you. It's way cuter and easier to manage than my last one, which was a daily journal .... and really who has time for that anyways?

James has been taking pictures of my expanding tummy each week to put in the Belly Book. And I'm forever trying to organize all my ultrasound pictures to include in the book as well. That's quite a task since I've had so many. Today I began weeding through them once again, trying to get them put in chronological order and documented in the journal. When you spend 23.5 hours a day in bed, you find all kinds of little projects to keep your mind occupied.

It wasn't until today that I realized I've had THIRTEEN ultrasounds in just 27 weeks of pregnancy. I think my record was ten ultrasounds with Isaac; clearly I will far exceed that this time around. That's crazy to me.

But having them all laid out here on my bed was eye-opening. It was neat for me to look at the progression of Jamin's growth (not to mention MY growth!) ... and I wanted to share a glimpse with all of you. I've chosen just one pic from each ultrasound, so you can see how much Jamin has changed in 27 weeks.

(1) 4w6d; we could see the gestational sac but not the embryo!



















(2) 6w0d; teeeny tiny grey embryo:



















(3) 8w2d:

















(4) 9w2d:



















(5) 13w0d; the day we found out it was a boy:




















(6) 15w6d:





















(7) 18w2d:
























(8) 20wod; with legs way up high:






















(9) 24w0d:
























(10) 25w0d; front view of the face:



























(11) 26w0d; left foot:























(12) 26w2d; right foot:





















(13) 27w2d; front of face again:

MIRACLE!

It's 11:30 am ... not much time to post so please excuse the lack of substance, I will fill in the details later:

Just returned from my ultrasound with Dr. Mann. I am in awe of what we saw. I was praying the cervix would measure 1.7 again, the same as Wednesday, meaning it was staying the same with no further loss of thickness. Apparently I underestimated God.

Today I am measuring 2.4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not even know it was possible to regain length like that. Dr. Mann explained that it can sometimes happen when extreme bedrest measures are taken and ALL pressure is removed from the cervix. She said she would allow me to go home as soon as I arranged my home situation to be exactly like my hospital bedrest has been here for the last three days. Then she turned and began to leave the room. So I yelled after her "Wait! What does that mean?". She replied that I can just notify her when I have gotten things in order in my house ... that could be sometime today or sometime next month. They would send me upstairs to the perinatal unit until things were all set at home. So I begged and pleaded and promised that I will not lift a finger can I puleeeeeeze go home now?!?

She cocked her head to one side, wagged her finger, made several threats, and then said okay. SO I'M GOING HOME!!!

I've just been brought back upstairs; I have to sit on the monitors for a little while longer, get one more injection of 17P, and then they will begin the discharge paperwork.

Thank you all so much for the prayers, God has certainly heard and He is doing big things! Please keep the prayers coming!

Many people are offering, "let me know if you need help" ..... quite honestly I'm not very good at calling and asking for help. It's a pride thing, I dunno, I need to get over it. But if you're wanting to try and help in some way, these are the things I think I will need the most:

(1) prayer: This is the biggest thing you can do to help us right now, please keep lifting up Jamin's name to the Lord. Pray for speedy maturation of the lungs, heart, and nervous system. Pray for many more weeks in utero.

(2) meals: My family hasn't eaten a "real" home cooked meal in over 3 weeks and I would just about saw off my right arm to get one. James absolutely does not get along with the kitchen very well, anything beyond a PBJ sandwich is just a little out of his element. So something that's mostly prepared, that he could just pop in the oven and serve would be the equivalent of giving us a gift worth a million dollars. Anything frozen is fab too.

(3) my shadow: I am literally supposed to be in bed at all times except to go to the bathroom. That makes being home alone with a preschooler a bit of a challenge. I need the most help on MWF in the afternoons, Tuesday all day, or Thurs until about 3:00. Even if she could get out of the house for an hour or so just to play or go to lunch that would be huge.

Will try to update more later.

HERE WE GO AGAIN...

Tonight I'm blogging from a hospital bed. That means my day did not go well.

I went to my weekly peri appointment today at 1:00. There Dr. Mann saw that my cervix has thinned down to just 1.7 cm thick. Seven days ago it was 2.7, so we've lost an entire centimeter in a very short time. It should measure about 4-ish.

Apparently 1.7 is down into the "panic" range. Dr. Mann took one look and immediately declared that I was heading straight to the hospital. Her immediate goal was to start the betamethesone (steroid) injections to boost the baby's lung maturity. It takes 48 hours to get the full effect from those (2 doses given 24hours apart), so she wanted to begin them asap. She also wanted to begin monitoring and administer the tocolytic drugs if the contractions get too frequent. The baby weighs approximately 1lb 14oz.

Unfortunately I was there at her office by myself, with James at work and Gracie picked up from school by my parents. So this was very difficult news to swallow all alone. I stayed totally calm and focused while talking to Dr. Mann, trying to understand every detail and ask lots of questions. But once she left the room I lost it. All I could think was "I CAN NOT have a baby at 26 weeks, it's NOT an option". I know way too much about the survival rates and the long-term neurological and physical complications. Even a momentary thought of living that is simply unbearable.

I clammored out of Dr. Mann's office and down to the elevators, while trying to call James and explain that I was coming home to pack a hospital bag and he needed to meet me there. My mind was so jumbled, and apparently multi-tasking was more than my brain could handle. I inadvertently rode up and down the elevators twice in each direction before I could figure out which one was the right floor to get to the bridge for the parking deck. Dr. Mann's office is inside the main building at Piedmont Hospital, so that's a lot of floors! I rode for quite some time, trying to hide my obvious tears and confusion and avoid the stares from the doctors and nurses who loaded, unloaded, and then loaded again before I could figure out where I was going. The whole thing was quite ridiculous, given that I've been to that office at least two dozen times and under normal circumstances I can get there and back with my eyes closed.

I finally made it to the car and began calling family and friends. My dear friend, Jerah, promised she would call everyone from the church and ask for prayer. She said all the right things and really calmed me down! By the time I fought traffic and made it home I was almost normal again. I packed enough clothes for 4 nights, just in case, and packed an overnight bag for Gracie so she can stay with my parents. James and I then loaded back up and ventured to Northisde.

We got here around 5:00ish. It was weird checking in at admissions because every other woman in line with me was gigantically pregnant. Apparently if you're being induced, you're supposed to check in between 5 and 5:30 the night before. So there I stood, surrounded by relieved women, ready to pop and giddy with excitement that it was almost time to celebrate their big moment. As we each got to the front of the line, the admissions lady asked us how many weeks we were. All I heard was 39, 38 1/2, 40(!), and one 37 weeks. Then it's my turn: I tell them 26weeks 0 days. Everyones eyes turn to stare and I get a few looks of sympathy. And for a moment the fear rose up again.

They quickly put me in a room .... first actually before the tummy-popped induction girls who arrived before me. I'm on the first floor (I think? This place is huge) .... room B11. After seven thousand consent forms and admissions papers, they started an IV of fluids and gave me my first betamethazone shot (steroid). James had run out searching for some dinner when they did those .... and with the steriod shot I literally had to turn my head and bite down into my pillow to keep from screaming. That pain was horrific. I remembered from Gracie's pregnancy that those hurt badly; but time had erased the memory of just how bad they really were. Guess that's a good thing really. I have to get one more tomorrow night and then I'm done with those.

My other meds have pretty much stayed the same: I'm getting my Lovenox shots every 24hours, my 17P shot on Friday, aspirin, and all the rest. They've also added terbutaline shots when my contractions get too frequent, but so far they haven't been bad.

The plan at this point is to keep me here at least until Friday. The midwife came by earlier tonight and said quite honestly she has no idea how long I will be here .... could go home as early as Friday or could have to stay for another 10 weeks. It all depends on what happens in the next two days. On Friday Dr. Mann will come by to give me another ultrasound and re-measure everything. Based on what she sees she will make the judgement call at that time.

I have two doctors coming by tomorrow - one is Dr. Mann's partner and the other is Dr. Garcia's partner. Then Mann and Garcia will both come on Friday.

I was given an Ambien about 25 min ago (my first one ever, little nervous about how that will work out!) .... so I'm praying it will turn my brain off for the night and help me rest. I had to beg James to leave and go home to sleep in a real bed instead of this pathetic chair-thingy. He has refused all night but finally about an hour ago agreed. He got up at 4am this morning to drive his mother to Piedmont for an upper-GI test, so he is running on empty. Praying he gets some good rest tonight too, he sure needs it.