Looking Back

My dear friend Kim sent me these shots the other day. She came to visit me at Hotel Northside several days ago, and brought along her trusty camera. We had hours and hours of girl talk, which was beyond wonderful. Here's a glimpse into life on hospital bedrest .....

GOING HOME!!!!!

On September 21st I left home for my weekly doctor's appointment. I was planning to be gone for a few hours. Eighteen days have ticked by and now I'm finally returning home!!!

OH HAPPY DAY!

The on-call doctors made rounds this morning and informed me that all is well enough for me to be discharged this afternoon. I am so so so so thrilled to be getting out of this place!

There was some confusion as to whether or not I would require an ultrasound today before they would clear me for discharge, I was getting conflicting information from different people. But as of right now I am told that I will not have an ultrasound today, instead I will come back on Tuesday to see Dr. Mann (as an outpatient this time!), and resume my weekly ultrasounds then. I also have to schedule an appointment with Dr. Garcia for the end of next week. So apparently it looks like my doctors visits have now escalated from once weekly to twice weekly. I also need to try and get rescheduled for Dr. Duncan, the hematologist, who I was supposed to see the day I was admitted here. Not sure if I will have to repeat my bloodwork first before I schedule that, so that is something I'll have to get ironed out but more than likely that will mean two trips to Emory instead of one. But seriously, who cares? I would drive to Kentucky and back at this point in order to get a break from this hospital.

My nurses are busy trying to get everything set up for my transition home. They've been on the phone with Alere, the home care company, making sure my home nurses are prepared for my return. We have to get my terbutaline pump switched over today before I can leave -- right now I'm using a hospital-owned pump which has to be removed and replaced by the home pump I was using before I got here. Ironically the two pumps are identical ... the exact same model and everything ... just that one is hospital property and one is Alere property that has been temporarily rented to me. I am told they cost about $5,000 a piece so it's super important that we don't get them mixed up or else I will be receiving a giant bill! Right now I've actually got two Alere pumps at my house, in addition to the third hospital-owned pump in my leg, which has made me so nervous b/c I was terrified that James would misplace the box at home or Jamin would get into it and decide to "hide" them away in a random drawer somewhere like he does with everything else he discovers. Between the two home pumps and the toco monitor I have about $13,000 worth of Alere's equipment in my bedroom so it's a bit nervewracking to be responsible for that stuff!

We're working on getting my medications situated so that I won't miss any doses during the transition from hospital to home. Right now the plan is for James to come up around 3:00 this afternoon with my home pump, at which time we'll get the infusion site changed and discharge paperwork completed and then I should be FREE! Well ......... free to go straight home and lay still 24/7 in my bed ......... but still a major improvement over my current living conditions so I'll take it. I am hoping if all goes smoothly I should be home around 5:00 or so. Sara is making us a big dinner so we can celebrate with a home-cooked meal. It will be so nice to be done with hospital food for a little while! And I seriously CAN NOT WAIT to see the faces of my little ones when their Mommy finally walks in the door, that will be quite a reward.

Last night before bed I was laying here thinking, "wouldn't it be great if this is the last time I have to sleep in this hospital pregnant? And the next time I'm here is when the baby is born?" But then instantly that thought made me paranoid because it would, of course, only be great if the baby is close to full-term next time I come back! If I come back in two or three weeks then of course I want to still be pregnant. Ughh, if only my brain had an off switch. Or at least a pause button. I need a break from myself.

I had a meeting last night with one of the NICU nurses. She came down to the HRP floor to chat with some of the bedrest patients, and spent almost an hour in my room. Basically the idea is that she would answer our questions and give us some basic information so that in the event that we eventually need her services we will be a little less confused and scared. Being the type of person that thrives on information, I actually found this to be really helpful because I do feel more prepared now after talking with her. She actually offered to put me in a wheelchair and give me a "tour" of the NICU, which I declined, because that felt a little too scary. I don't want to actually see it unless I have to. But talking about it was good. She gave me a lot of information about how the NICU works, how it's organized, and what I could expect.

The policy here is that any baby born prior to 35 weeks gestation is automatically admitted to the NICU, regardless of their weight or condition at the time of birth. So even if we make it to Dr. Mann's current goal of 34 weeks, we would still have to do a NICU stay for at least 1-2 weeks. I am grateful to know this ahead of time, because I can get mentally prepared now. In my mind, I can already "plan" for it at least in theory, and then if it happens I won't have to panic as badly. And of course, if it doesn't happen, then it will just be a giant wonderful bonus! When you have a Kristi-brain you have to do some mental tricks sometimes and planning for worst-case-scanario is one trick I've found that actually seems to help reduce my stress a little bit.

A million thank-you's to everyone who has prayed for us, sent notes of support, visited, sent food, babysat, and loved my family over the last several weeks. We are so incredibly grateful for your outpouring of generosity. Please please please continue to pray for us! We are 25weeks 2 days gestation today, so we are certainly not out of the danger zone yet and we have a long road ahead.

Coming Unglued.

Today marks 17 days in the hospital, and my extended stay here is really starting to take its toll. I’m not sure how to accurately describe it, other than to say I am utterly and completely exhausted in every way imaginable.

My physical condition has really deteriorated over the last 3-4 days. The baby is fine, and my cervix seems to be holding this week so I am celebrating those accomplishments, as they are really the two most important things at this point. Aside from those positives, though I am really struggling physically. I am pitifully weak …. the “I-can’t-possibly-walk-myself-to-the-bathroom” kind of weak. Upon standing, my legs immediately begin to burn and it takes incredible effort to move them. Taking ten steps feels like the equivalent to running a 5K. I can no longer stand up for the short time it takes me to brush my teeth. Instead I now have to sit down while I brush because I literally can’t hold myself up for 60 seconds. Even laying still in bed feels exhausting, I have this tingling all over and a heaviness in my chest that makes breathing feel like a chore. I ache everywhere. I just don’t feel normal in any way.

This has been the subject of several discussions of course, first with a few nurses and then with my doctors. Everyone seems to agree that what I‘m feeling is a result of “de-conditioning”, or my body just sort of shutting down due to not moving for such a long period of time. I’ve been in bed for 7 weeks now, though the last 2 here at the hospital have been way more extreme that what I did at home, as I am literally lying still for all but maybe 15-20 minutes a day. I have leg exercises, which the physical therapist taught me the first week here, that I am doing every day in bed. Though I am told the exercises will not really improve my condition, I still do them because I’m hopeful they will slow down further deterioration.

I have a hard time believing that I could feel this drastically horrible just because of “de-conditioning” …. this is not my first rodeo and I’ve done many long weeks of bedrest before and never felt this bad. But there doesn’t seem to be any other obvious reason … my blood pressure is staying up around “normal”; my hemoglobin and hematacrit are low but not insanely dangerously low. I’ve decided that perhaps it’s simply because my bedrest has never been this drastic before now … in the past I’ve always managed to get up for a little bit each day, whether it was throwing a load of laundry in the washer or walking downstairs for dinner. Now I am laying constantly, 99.9% of the day and I suppose that must be what’s making the difference in the way my body has responded.

Emotionally I am finding myself in similar territory. I mostly swing back and forth between moments of intense frustration, sadness, and overwhelming anxiety. I am annoyed and angry at my body, my circumstances, my confinement, and my inability to do even simple things by myself. I am homesick and sad because I miss my kids, my husband, and my old life. And I’m nearly paralyzed with worry and fear because I can’t quite seem to shake the feeling that something awful is about to happen.

Fighting the fear has become a daily battle. I mostly try to not think about the possibilities, and often I’m successful with that. But there are moments when it catches up with me and the anxiety is too strong to ignore. I am terrified at the thought of having a micro-preemie, or worse -- another stillbirth, and I find myself over-analyzing every bump, gurgle, and twinge I experience … Is my water breaking? Am I bleeding? How many contractions have I had this hour? Why isn’t the baby moving? It’s like waiting for the sky to fall. And I realize that, here I am again, now 25+ weeks into the pregnancy and I haven’t allowed myself to bond with this baby and I refuse to even give him a name for fear of “jinxing” it. As if that makes one bit of sense.

I also have equal amounts of worry for my family … this whole experience has been so hard for James and Gracie and Jamin. What condition will my family be in when this is all over? Will my kids be scarred and traumatized because their mother was absent for so long? Will my husband survive the stress of being thrown into single parenthood? Will Gracie be able to focus in school? Will Jamin start acting out in resentment? Already I can see the little cracks forming but I feel helpless to stop them. My kids appear to be struggling a little more this week … Gracie with some attention-seeking kinds of behaviors and Jamin melting down whenever he is separated from his dad and throwing frequent temper tantrums. And then there’s James … he is so strong and he puts on a brave face, but I can see in his eyes that he’s struggling and it hurts me.

I am desperate to go home and I’m hoping that perhaps once I get there some of my physical and emotional conflicts will begin to lessen. I had my 18th ultrasound two days ago and Dr. Mann was pleased … my cervix has lengthened back up to 2.5cm. The polyhydramnios has improved a teeny tiny bit. The placenta has not moved since last week, but my docs are now saying they could attempt a vaginal delivery based on it’s current location.

After the ultrasound, Dr. Mann said she was initially planning to keep me here until I hit 28 weeks, but if I wanted to “try” going home for a bit she would allow it. So we are cautiously planning for discharge sometime tomorrow (!!!!!) as long as my symptoms stay stable. I CAN NOT WAIT. I am trying not to let myself get too excited, in case it doesn’t happen, but that’s really hard to do of course. She warned me that there is a high likelihood I will end up back in the hospital again, and seemed fairly certain that we should anticipate that happening sometime in the next few weeks. From what they’re telling me, most likely I will have to return sometime soon for a magnesium sulfate wash. The possibility of needing this is highly distressing at the moment because I’m told the side effects are awful. More on this later. For now I’m pulling the denial card and it’s working quite well so I’m not ready to give that up yet!

Pray for us.

Magic 24!!!

Today is a day to celebrate.

It's a day of victory .... I have officially reached "viability", 24weeks gestation. This is such a huge deal for us, thank you thank you thank you Jesus!!! If the baby were born today, he would have approximately a 50% chance of surviving delivery, though the chance of severe disabilities is much higher at this point. The survival rates and long-term outlook gets better and better each week beyond 24.

Basically what all of this means to me is that I'm praying for week 28, when the survival rate is over 90%. My plan is to get to week 28 and then to begin praying for week 32! Dr. Mann's ultimate goal at this point is week 34.

Sara brought Jamin up this morning, we were able to visit for about an hour. He makes me so happy. I could just sit here and smell the top of his head all day ...... if only he'd hold still for longer than ten seconds! And some girlfriends stopped by around lunchtime. Jill brought me a ridiculously giant bag of chocolate and Chelley brought some pizza. Yummo.

So overall it's been a much better day today. I'm trying to stay positive and just to be grateful for the fact that we've made it this far. My contractions are picking up a bit this afternoon. I've had several doses of Indocin and will be getting my first betamethasone shot in about 10 minutes (sitting on an ice pack at the moment!) Dr. Grogan and Dr. Matsumoto (aka HOT-su-moto) came up to see me this morning. Dr. Matsumoto warned me that sometimes contractions will start picking up frequency within the first 24hrs after betamethasone. So that's something they will be watching out for.

Nurse just came in with my shot ..... eeeeeeeeeeeekkk wish me luck! :)

NOT HAPPY.

So it turns out that a much-anticipated ultrasound scheduled for "early morning" translates in hospital time to 2:30 pm. I was just about outta my mind all day waiting and waiting and waiting.

They finally wheeled me down just after 2:00 and then I sat alone in an exam room for what felt like an eternity. More waiting.

At last the ultrasound tech appeared, got me changed into the lovely white sheet and we finally got started a little after 2:30. She spent a great deal of time observing and measuring baby's heart, brain, and other anatomy. Repeatedly she kept saying how beautiful and how perfect he looks. Thank you Lord. He is actually measuring big for the first time today -- about a week ahead of schedule. She was very pleased with this, since he's likely to be a preemie so the bigger the better. He now weighs 1 lb 10 oz.

Finally came time for the dreaded "transvaginal" portion of the exam, to measure the cervix. I seriously think I stopped breathing for like two minutes ........ anxiety overload. I've been so desperate for a good long measurement that would allow me to go home.

Alas, not today. Once again I knew the instant I looked at the screen. I could see clearly .... short cervix, and placenta hasn't budged. The tech took some measurements, said she was "stretching it" as best she could for my sake ..... but only came up with 2.0 cm.

I layed there alone again for another 20-30 minutes waiting nervously for Dr. Mann to come in and deliver her verdict. When she finally appeared I could tell she was pretty disappointed too. She knows how badly I want to go home to my family. She apologized and then confirmed what I already knew: I'm stuck here.

She then measured my amniotic fluid and said the polyhydramnios has returned. It's measuring 20 cm, which is not terribly high, but it's still enough to put extra pressure on the cervix and cause it to further shorten. We have seen repeatedly now with the last two pregnancies --- every time the fluid goes up, my cervix shortens. She ordered another 72-hour course of Indocin (my fourth now with this pregnancy), which should help reduce contractions and hopefully lessen the fluid.

She also ordered the betamethasone injections to begin tomorrow. This is a series of 2 steriod shots, given 24 hrs apart, which help to ripen the baby's lungs. It's basically a precautionary measure they take, so that if/when the baby comes early then they've already gotten a jump-start on lung maturity. I've had these before with both Jamin and Gracie so I know they work! Only downside is they hurt like @%$!!!!! ...... way worse than all my other shots combined ....... so I'm definitely not looking forward to getting those again. Maximum benefit of the betamethasone is at 2 weeks after getting the shots, and there is some benefit at 4 weeks post-shot. After that the beneficial effects seem to wain. She said they would repeat them again 8 weeks after, if baby hasn't arrived yet, which would be 32 weeks. They can only be repeated once.

Baby is head-down and sitting low, which - together with the extra fluid - explains the pain and pressure I've been feeling all week in my cervix. I'm reeeeeeally hoping the Indocin may help with this. The placenta has not moved since lsat week, so at this point we're still dealing with a marginal previa.

She's keeping all my other meds the same --- I got my weekly 17P shot yesterday, to fight pre-term labor. I'm still getting my lovenox shots and aspirin every night to prevent a blood clot. Subcutanous terbutaline which I get through my pump 24/7 to reduce contractions. I'm on Macrobid for the bladder infection. Colace and Metamucil twice a day for the inevitable side-effect that happens when you're laying still 23.5 hours a day. I get an additional calcium supplement and a folic acid supplement to counter-act bone loss that's associated with long term use of lovenox. Librax for the irritable bowel syndrome, which allows me to eat. Ambien at night so I can sleep in this awful bed. Protonix and handfuls of Tums for the heartburn. Oh, and a prenatal vitamin. And now of course we're adding Indocin and Betamethasone.

So basically I am single-handedly keeping the hospital pharmacy in business. I hate hate hate hate taking this much medication. Especially while I'm pregnant.

James is on his way up to see me, he tried to sneak out of work an hour early so he could get here before dark this time. I had sat here and cried for like an hour after my ultrasound, and in an effort to cheer me up my nurse called Dr. Mann and requested "wheelchair privileges" for me. This means that my visitors are allowed to wheel me downstairs to a little garden area where I can sit outside for a bit and get some fresh air. I am really looking forward to it .... everyone keeps saying how crisp and fall-like the weather is this week, and I haven't breathed outside air in 8 days so I'm eager to feel it on my face, even if it's just for a few minutes. It might just be enough of a relief to keep me from jumping out the window for another few days.

Please continue to pray for me. Emotionally I'm having a hard time with the idea of being here for another week or longer. My body and mind are both weary. I want my family back. I want my bed back. I want my life back.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Today is Monday ..... my 7th day as a guest at Hotel Northside. My stay so far has been long, boring, and torturous. Under these circumstances, though, I suppose boring is actually a good thing, because at least there's no immediate disaster taking place.

Not much has changed since I got here, I am continuing to have painful cervical pressure which worries me. At first they were telling me this was just caused by a bladder infection (which we discovered at 4am on my first night here), but now after being on the antibiotic for several days with no improvement in the pain, they have determined it's apparently not bladder pain afterall. The doctor has ordered that they do not perform cervical checks unless absolutely necessary, simply because I have a previa and repeated checks can kick off a bleeding episode. So they are a little hesitant to investigate too far when I complain of pain. The midwife did check me again Saturday night, and said no change. Dr. McDaniel (who is Dr. Garcia's partner) and Dr. Gomez (who is Dr. Mann's partner) were on call all weekend, and each came to see me several times. They are guessing the pressure and pain I'm feeling is caused by the baby's position -- meaning his head is way down low and he's just pushing right on the cervix. I am nervous that this will cause additional thinning, but we won't have any way of knowing until tomorrow's ultrasound measurement.

In the meantime they are recommending that I lay completely flat for as many hours as I can stand it. This means reclining my bed so it's completely horizontal, putting a stack of pillows under my butt, and laying on my left side. I am unable to do anything in this position ...... the computer and reading are pretty much out so the only distraction I have is the TV, which I can see from that angle thank God. I can usually only stand to be this way for about 2-3 hours at a time, and then I have to sit up for a bit and take a break for the sake of my sanity.

My entire body is aching from lack of movement. I am in bed for about 23.5 hours a day. I take a 10-15 min shower each night before bed, and otherwise I am only allowed up to go to the bathroom. My back hurts, my sides hurt, my neck hurts, my legs hurt ........... everything just aches. And the longer I lay here, the more uncomfortable I get.

I've been on complete bedrest for 5 weeks now and physically it's really starting to show. I'm suffering from muscle atrophy in my legs. I started noticing the beginning signs when I was at home about two weeks ago. Walking up the stairs to my bedroom caused intense burning pain in my thighs and calves; and overall my legs visually look significantly shrunken. Apparently it's obvious to others too, because my very first morning here on the HRP floor the nurse examined my legs and immediately scheduled a physical therapy consult.

The physical therapist showed up Friday morning to teach me some exercises I can do each day in bed. They are pitifully simple things .... like point and flex your toes, raise and lower your leg about 12 inches off the bed, etc. When we first started, she would give me specific instructions on a particular exercise and ask me to do a set of 20 reps on each leg. I was internally rolling my eyes and thinking .... seriously??? Any 100-yr-old grandma could do these, this is silly. Then we'd get to rep #7 or 8 and I was out of breath and my legs were trembling. I found myself incredibly embarrassed, because these simple little movements were really difficult for me. I was laying there listening to her count repetitions out loud, having flashbacks to 6 or 7 months ago when I was in the gym with a personal trainer lifting a ton of weight. And now it's a struggle to lift just the weight of my own leg off the bed.

She explained that the burning pain I felt trying to walk up the steps is likely nerve pain, since over time the non-use of those muscles will mean that the nerve endings no longer fire normally. She said I would be unable to regain the muscle and nerve loss until after the baby is born, but regular repetition of these exercises (twice a day) while on bedrest can help prevent further loss from happening. I found this to be super depressing, as you can imagine. I am forced to lay here day after day, month after month, and watch my health decline and my body shrivel up into a shadow of it's former self. There's not a single thing I can do about it and that just frustrates me to no end. I get even more annoyed when I consider that when the baby finally arrives, I will be expected to suddenly get out of bed and run 500mph and physically function at 110% .... caring for a newborn and two other little ones all day and all night. Yet I won't be able to walk or stand normally. After Jamin was born it literally took about a year before I felt like my body had fully recovered -- before I could do everyday things, like walk to the mailbox or climb the staircase, with ease. So now I find myself, 6 months or so after finally returning to "normal" ....... starting the process all over again.

SHEER FRUSTRATION.

These kind of thoughts have my head spinning most days. Being here has turned into a bit of a mental battle. Luckily I've had a handful of visitors come by to distract me and that's been a huge help. On Friday I had a fluffy visitor show up unexpectedly:

A little spaniel named Rugby, who is part of the hospital's "Happy Tails" program. The doggies come around every Friday and visit bedrest patients. He was super sweet! They put a sheet down over my bed and he just jumped right up and made himself at home in my lap for a few minutes. I enjoyed talking to his owner and getting a few little puppy kisses.

And I finally got to see my kiddos Saturday afternoon, which made me soooo happy! I have missed my family like crazy, it is really hard being so far away from them. Gracie had an upper respiratory infection all week (which James has been forced to handle alone, a first) ... but by Saturday she was finally feeling well again and a visit was in order. Jamin was super wiggly and wanted to explore every nook and cranny of my hospital room, but Gracie just plopped herself right up in my bed and cuddled the whole time she was here. Which is just what I need! Can't get enough kiddie lovin'. Look at this card Gracie made for me .....

She is so sweet I could just eat her with a spoon. Seriously.

I've had visits from a few friends and family members too, which I'm incredibly grateful for! It gets really lonely here and I am such a social person so I hate being by myself this much. I've been so desperate for human interaction that I've caught myself trying to make long conversation with any and everyone who walks in my room .... nurses, food service ladies, housekeepers, lab technicians ..... I'm not picky. Come to think of it, they probably think I'm incredibly annoying because I won't stop talking whenever they come in. I am super grateful to my friends who have visited, sent notes and flowers, made meals for James, babysat the kids, and offered to pray for us. We are so fortunate to have you guys and your generosity really does make days like this a little easier to handle. And can I also just say ......... THANK GOD FOR SARA, our nanny! She has been invaluable, I seriously don't know how we would be surviving the day-to-day without her, she is managing the kids and household and keeping us afloat. God has placed all these people in our lives at just the right time and is providing for all our needs.

I am seeing Dr. Mann tomorrow, for ultrasound #17. My last one was Thursday morning and showed my cervix had lengthened quite a bit since my hospital admission. Dr. Garcia came by this morning for rounds and told me that Dr. Mann might consider discharging me tomorrow if my cervical measurement is excellent and we have no other surprises going on. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but honestly I am just DESPERATE to go home! So I am praying that by some miracle my ultrasound will be all roses and she'll agree to let me outta here.

I will update when I know more .... should be early tomorrow morning (hopefully) when I'm taken downstairs for the ultrasound. Pray for us!

HOTEL NORTHSIDE ........

I'm trying to pretend that it's similar to the Ritz-Carlton or the W Hotel (afterall, I do have a nice skyline view of the city) .... but when mealtime comes it's pretty hard to fool my tummy. Alas ... the food sucks, the decor is depressing, and the smell is pretty sterile. It's not a posh hotel. IT'S A HOSPITAL.

My stay here started unexpectedly on Tuesday. I had two doctor's appointments scheduled, my OB at 11:00 and my hematologist at 2:30. At the OB's office, I saw the midwife Wendy for the first time, since Dr. Garcia is on vacation. Wendy came in and chatted for a bit about my lovenox, measured my belly, and announced I was all set to leave. Skeptical, I asked her, "aren't you gonna check my cervix?" Since Dr. Garcia checks it every single week, it was hard for me to believe I was gonna get out of there without wearing the tissue paper sheet for a least few minutes. Especially since the night before I had been up until 2am with excessive contractions -- 7 per hour -- and a malfunctioning terbutaline pump.

She agreed a cervical exam was a good idea. Two minutes later I heard her announce that I am dilated 1cm, and immediately we both knew how lucky it was that we checked. Prior to this exam we have been seeing cervical thinning, or effacement, for several weeks. But no dilation until now.

Wendy instructed me to get dressed, and by the time I made it out to the hallway she already had Dr. Mann (perinatologist) on the phone. Dr. Mann's office is just around the corner on the first floor of the hospital, so plans were made for me to head straight over, sit on the toco monitor for a bit, and then have an ultrasound.

I grabbed a quick sandwich at the deli in Dr. Garcia's building and went straight over to Dr. Mann's. I only had a few contractions while sitting on the monitor, so I was hopeful that she would check me out and send me home. That hope faded the second the ultrasound technician got started and I saw the image of my cervix on the screen. Instantly I knew it was bad. It was visually shorter (effaced), and before the tech even began taking measurements I knew I had just landed myself in the hospital.

Dr. Mann entered the room a few minutes later, and with a sarcastic smile she said:

"WELCOME TO HOTEL NORTHSIDE! Your room is ready and waiting."

I tried to remind her that I've been a guest of "Hotel Northside" several times before and it has never been a relaxing stay. But she wasn't dissuaded. My cervix was measuring 1.7 cm long, down from 2.8 exactly one week ago, and dilated 1cm on top of that.

I asked her if I could at least go home and pack a bag, which prompted her to look at me like I had six heads. She responded, "Absolutely not. But I will allow you to put your pants back on, and those cute high-heeled shoes which you won't be wearing again for a really long time". Super. Then she told me I would be staying for "a while". I asked her for clarification, "do you mean I'll be here for weeks and weeks?", to which I got a resounding YES.

They literally brought a wheelchair to the ultrasound room, and wheeled me straight upstairs to admissions. Before I even had a chance to make a few phone calls, I was a in labor & delivery room on the high-risk floor hooked up to the monitors. I scrambled to call my hematologist's office to cancel my 2:30 appointment, and started making a list of necessities for James to pack and bring to the hospital. Of course, the list included my makeup and flat-iron, so maybe I'm presumptuous to call the entire list "necessities".

They started me on Indocin, the 72-hour tocolytic, and re-inserted my terbutaline pump. The rest of my meds stayed the same. I was poked, prodded and jabbed about once every 45 minutes for the next 24 hours or so. The steady stream of nurses coming in and out with medications and such made it impossible to sleep. I began having what felt like cervical pain "down low" sometime around 3:30 am, which prompted the midwife to wake me up for a cervical exam at 4:00. She took a urine sample and decided I had a bladder infection somewhere around 4:30 am ...... which meant more medicine ......... and as it turned out I got a total of about 2.5 hours of sleep that first night.

Yesterday afternoon, Wednesday, I was moved upstairs to the "HRP" floor. This is the high-risk perinatal unit, where they send women who are on hospital bedrest to gestate for endless weeks. I was settled into room 105 just before dinner and had yet another terbutaline pump placed in my leg. Around 8:00 pm I began hearing the most horrific noise emanating from the room next door, which I quickly discerned to be the sound of an unfortunate woman barfing her guts out. She vomited violently, without stopping, for about an hour and a half. When she wasn't puking she was crying loudly. It was so pitiful (and yucky) to listen to, I felt so sad for her. My nurse finally came in and explained that my neighbor had hyperemesis and has these violent spells of vomiting day and night. In her next breath she said she had already put in a transfer request so I could get moved to a quieter room. Everything in a hospital seems to run in slow motion, of course, so it was midnight before I was finally transfered down the hall to room 120.

This morning I was taken downstairs to Dr. Mann's office for an ultrasound. We found my cervical measurement had increased significantly since my admission, up to 2.9 cm! So this was fantastic news, but not enough to inspire confidence from Dr. Mann. She said she was keeping me here, for three reasons: (1) I gave her a "really good scare" and she wasn't quite over it yet. (2) My cervix seems to be voilatile, and just as quickly as it increased length, likewise it could loose length overnight. And (3) I had only about 16 hours of my Indocin course left, and we had no way of knowing if the crazy contractions would return as soon as my last dose wore off. She did not want me at home when coming off the Indocin. So her plan is to re-evaluate me with another ultrasound next Tuesday. Depending on how the cervix looks at that time, and what's going on with my contractions, she will make a decision on how much longer I stay at Hotel Northside.

For now I'm settled in and trying to make the best of it. It is incredibly hard being so far away from home and I miss my family like crazy! As much as I really don't want to be stuck at the hospital for weeks and weeks, at the same time I know that if I'm lucky ........... I'll be here for weeks and weeks. "Viability" is considered 24 weeks, this is when premature birth carries a 50% survival rate. My immediate goal is to get to week 28, when survival is over 90% and the long-term outlook is relatively good. Once God gets us to week 28 then I will start praying for week 32. Please join me!

Solitary Confinement; Day 3 of 148

Friends, I have landed myself in the Slammer. The Big House. The Black Hole. The Pen. Or as my doctors and I like to call it:

THE COMPLETE LACK OF INDEPENDENCE AND MISERABLE CONFINEMENT ALSO KNOWN AS EXTENDED BEDREST.

Ugh. Extended .... as in .... a really long period of time. Twenty-one full weeks to be exact. Or 148 days. Or 3552 hours. But who's counting?

The last few weeks have been crazy and overwhelmingly stressful and ....... let's just say I haven't been in the best mood. Needless to say, blogging has landed somewhere around #450 on my list of Top 500 Things to Worry About. So while there are so many complicated things going on at the moment (more than I can possibly blog in one sitting), let me try to summarize how I got here:

12.5wks: I started having contractions

13wks: I began the weekly 17P injections and was told to reduce my activity and "put my feet up" as much as possible. Though Dr. Mann never explicitly said the dreaded "B" word, James and I knew what was coming and decided to plan ahead. So we began searching for a nanny to help out here at the house during the week.

14.5wks: My home nurse started making her weekly visits. I had ultrasound #10 and found out we are once again on TEAM BLUE - it's a boy! Dr. Mann also discovered I have Placenta Previa. These are categorized in order of severity as marginal, partial, or complete. Mine is a Complete Previa ..... because, it just wouldn't be a Kristi pregnancy if it weren't the worst case scenario, of course! I was told there was a "very good" chance the previa would resolve on it's own as the pregnancy progressed. If it didn't resolve, however, this would exponentially complicate matters since the biggest risk with a previa is hemorrhaging and of course I'm on blood thinners (Lovenox and Aspirin, to combat the Protein S Def), and also I tend to have early cervical thinning / preterm labor which in the case of a hemorrhaging previa would require immediate Csection, and could potentially be a very premature delivery.

17.5 wks: We hired a nanny, though she needed to work out a notice with her previous employer so she hadn't started yet. I had ultrasound #11, at which Dr. Mann reported a slight improvement in the location of the placenta, though I still had a complete previa. But she was hopeful that it may continue to move and eventually resolve itself. My cervix measured 3.5 cm long, which was down from my last measurement (4cm) a few weeks ago but still on the lower end of the "normal" range so cautiously we considered this a bit of good news. However she also found a new problem: Polyhydramnios. I had this with Jamin's pregnancy as well, it's basically too much amniotic fluid around the baby. There are several risks associated with this by itself, for me the most urgent being that it increases pressure on the cervix causing it to thin and dilate too early (which is already an existing problem for me). So again it's one more issue to further worsen the other issues. While all the complications are happening independently of one another (the previa, the preterm labor, the Protein S Deficiency, and now the polyhydramnios), the end result is that they all interact to negatively effect eachother and essentially make the next problem even worse.

I was given an oral medication called Indocin, which I also took repeatedly during my pregnancies with Isaac and Jamin. This drug is used to help slow contractions, though one of its (normally undesirable) side-effects is that it tends to reduce amniotic fluid. For most women this would create a problem, but for someone like me who has polyhydramnios, this side effect is actually what we're trying to achieve. The downside is that Indocin can only be taken for a max of 72 hours, because any longer than that can cause heart defects in the baby.

18.5 wks: Dr. Garcia signed a "Georgia Disabled Persons Parking Affidavit" and I was able to obtain a temporary handicapped parking pass. This felt a bit upsetting at first, but I quickly found it to be incredibly helpful and quite a relief for me, particularly during my weekly parking adventures at Northside. I had ultrasound #12 with Dr. Mann, which showed the previa unchanged and the polyhydramnios still present (meaning the 72-hrs of Indocin I took last week did not work). Worse news was that my cervix was now measuring 2.8cm (down from 3.5 just one week ago). I'm told a "normal" cervix at this gestational age should be somewhere around 4-5cm long .... whereas 2.8cm would be normal sometime around 36-38+ weeks gestation as delivery approaches. All of this brought Dr. Mann to finally utter that awful word that I've been so desperately hoping to avoid: BEDREST. She also told me to repeat a second 72-hr course of Indocin, and ordered a terbutaline pump and home monitoring of contractions with a toco machine (will blog more on this tomorrow).

I left there feeling extremely unhappy though not one bit surprised .... we knew all of this was coming, it was more just a question of when. The only thing that kept me from going into a complete panic was the fact that the new nanny, Sara, had just started working. Her first day was on Monday, and I was ordered to begin total bedrest on Tuesday! Yep, that's God's timing folks.

Today I finished my 3rd day of bedrest. Only 145 more to go! (Let's pretend that makes me feel better). I'd be completely lying if I said I'm not immensely freaked out by the long road ahead of us .... the list of complications we're facing and the potential for disaster has my mind spinning most days. But even still, I have this peace knowing that I seriously have the most amazing and highly-qualified team of doctors, and they are throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me. There is no medicine I'm not already on. There is no treatment, no intervention available that we're not already doing. They are literally doing every single thing in their (limited) human power to make this work ....... and guess what that means?? It's no longer up to us. This entire journey rests solely in God's very capable hands, as it has since Day 1 before my doctors and I even knew what obstacles were waiting for us. I don't know for certain that God has another happy ending in store for us, though of course that's what I'm praying for. But I do know that regardless of how this whole thing ends, He will carry us through and we will survive.

Please continue to pray for us!

She's CRAFTY ..... and she's just my type

So I'm not sure if I've mentioned it yet ..... but I've spent a lot of time in bed lately.

As I lay here day after day I often find myself falling into the tried-and-true Kristi habit of worrying endlessly and obsessing over scary pregnancy things. So to keep my brain occupied, lately I've been working on little projects when I feel well enough to get out of bed. Don't worry ... I don't go far! Just to the little card-table in the corner of my bedroom where I've set up my sewing machine.

My first project were the curtains I made for Jamin's nursery:

Once I started sewing again, the crafty bug really took over and I decided to try some new things. I made this blue chenille liner for Jamin's laundry basket. It matches his room perfectly!

Then I switched my focus from room decor over to clothes. I started making fun appliqued onesies, which was a totally new thing for me. I'm so impressed with how cute they turned out, and I can't wait to see my little guy wearing them!

I even made some girl onesies for my babysitter, Brandi, who is expecting a daughter, Savannah, just 9 days after my own due date. It was fun to finally work with some pink fabric!

The next thing I really want to learn is to sew baby pants. I wish I had time to try it out before Jamin gets here, but at this point I'm struggling to wrap up all my projects in preparation for next week's induction .... so tackling NEW things at this point seems unwise. Oh well. I will teach myself to do it one day! :)

Ending the Hiatus!

So I'm sure all 4 of my blog fans have undoubtedly noticed that I've been totally absent lately. The last few weeks I've been quite grumpy and just couldn't really think of anything remotely positive to say. Every time I would log on and start to update my blog, a bunch of angry complaints and whines would pour out and, not wanting to preserve my ugliness for all to see, I would hit the delete button. Trust me when I say, you should thank me for it.

So here's the condensed version of the last three weeks, to catch you all up to speed:

From an emotional standpoint, I've been a bit of a mess. Super hormonal, super grouchy .... and super annoying I'm sure. Mostly this has stemmed from an overwhelming frustration at my confinement, my inability to do anything for myself without some version of a babysitter chastising me like I'm 10 years old again, and my general lack of freedom and normalcy. Cabin fever doesn't even begin to describe it. We're talking about TEN FULL WEEKS of bedrest, afterall. Then there has been my constant inner battle, dealing with my intense discomfort for depending on other people, and my general refusal to accept help. My control freak issues have been especially ugly to deal with. The Lord is really trying to work that outta me and I've just been kicking and screaming the whole way.

From a medical standpoint, not much has changed. My cervix has continued to shorten, and at last measurement was back down to 1.7cm, which was the same measurement I had the day I was admitted to the hospital. The polyhydramnios has also returned, so I was back on another 72hour course of Indocin to try and reduce the fluid. We won't know if that was successful until tomorrow, when I see Dr. Mann again and have another ultrasound to measure everything. At this point, even if the extra fluid is not gone, our options are limited, because Indocin can not be taken at or beyond week 32 (can cause heart defects in baby past that time). So the course I took at week 31 was our last shot at reducing the fluid.

I've had a few issues w/ my blood work .... mostly my hemoglobin and hematocrit levels are continuing to lower, this is mostly just causing me to feel wiped out and icky. At my last two visits to the hematologist, my blood pressure was way low, around 80/59 .... so they gave me some IV fluids to try and perk me up.

Dr. Garcia told me yesterday that my cervix is now about 1cm dilated, which is really nothing to write home about.

So it's with much amazement that I report: I am still pregnant, and I could likely stay that way for a while longer! If I'm just being honest I must admit, I NEVER NEVER NEVER in a million years thought we'd get to week 33. But here we are, and I'm embarrassed to look back and realize once again that my faith has been sorely lacking.

Saw my OB yesterday, the hematologist today, and will see my peri tomorrow. I am interested to see how Jamin has grown since our last measurement, he should be about 4.5 - 5 lbs now if all is well! Isn't that astounding?

I promise I won't take a long absence again .... after all, I have 4 whole fans who are counting on me! But the break was a necessary one, and for your benefit, I promise!

Grrrrrrr!!!

Why does it seem that every time we celebrate some good news, something crappy comes along to ruin the celebration? At 24 weeks, I was so thrilled to hit the milestone of "viability" and celebrated all the way to the doctors office ..... only to find my cervix was dangerously thin and I would be ordered on full bedrest.

A similar quandry occured earlier this week, when I oficially hit the 28-week mark on Wednesday. This was a major milestone for us, as the survival rate is over 90% at this gestation, and the risk of major long-term problems lowers significantly. Back during my second night in the hospital I had a sweet nurse named Emmie who grabbed my arm and said, "listen to me: you set your eyes on 28weeks and focus every bit of energy you have on that". Since that night I have been counting down the days until we got here.

So Wednesday morning, I woke up overjoyed and overwhelmed with gratitude that God carried us to week 28. A small number on the calendar, which likely seems insignificant to most pregnant women .... but to us reaching 28 was a gigantic miracle. Brandi picked Gracie up from school at noon, and then the three of us headed to my weekly OB appointment.

Dr. Garcia entered my exam room and immediately said, "28 weeks .... WHOO-HOOO!!!", and then proceeded to give me a high-five and a hug. Gosh I love my doctor. He then felt my cervix and reported, "feels about the same as last week" ..... thank you Lord! He also did another fetal fibronectin test, the results of which he promised would get to me within a few hours. My last Ffn test was about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and came back negative. A negative test means you have a 95% chance of NOT delivering within the next 14 days.

I had already made up my mind that today's test would be negative too .... after all, we're in this for the long haul. We have already mentally prepared ourselves for 8-10 more weeks of laying flat for 23.5 hours a day, babysitters, wheelchairs, injections, donated meals, and all the rest.

I was so confident in a negative result of this test, that I told Brandi on the way home from Northside we should have an ice cream party to celebrate my 28-week victory. Gracie thought this was a grand idea, of course, so once we got back to Douglasville we swung through Cold Stone and placed our to-go order. Brandi set up a little card table next to my bed, while Gracie gathered no less than ten of her stuffed animals to join the party. Together we all pigged out:

About five minutes into our celebration, right around the time that Gracie's face was coated in a nice even layer of chocolate and my own ice cream had that perfect 80% frozen / 20% melted consistency .... the phone rang. It was Dr. Garcia's nurse, Debbie. Now Debbie and I are on the phone at least 2-3 times a week because I've always got so much going on. I feel like we're pen-pals or something. We always joke that once this whole mess is over we're going to meet for some Starbucks.

The second I heard Debbie's voice, I knew something was wrong. She sounded nervous and upset. I said, "I hope you're calling with good news!"; to which she responded, "WELL ........."

My test came back positive.

My heart sank but I stayed calm and got all the relevant information from her. I hung up and sat here for a moment to let it sink in. Then I realized I would have to call James and tell him the news and my heart sank for a second time. I toyed with the idea of not telling him until he got home from work since I really didn't want to ruin his entire day, but Brandi convinced me that I needed to call him immediately and I knew she was right. I called and heard myself tell him in a very lighthearted manner that this didn't mean anything 100% .... the Ffn has false positives all the time .... we've made it to 28 weeks so we're past the super-scary point anyways .... and everything's going to be just fine.

I then spent the next three hours with Dr. Google trying to convince myself that all of that garbage I had just fed him was remotely true.

Unfortunately, Dr. Google can not tell me the exact accuracy of a positive Ffn test, because all the highly-esteemed "experts" and all the major studies have come to varying conclusions. I did learn that a most say your chances of delivering within 7 days is somewhere around 20%; within 14 days the percentage varied from 30% to 40% depending on who published the study. In my own experience with Gracie, I had a +Ffn at 32w5d; and she was born 16 days later.

Ever since receiving Wednesday's news, I've been trying super-hard to stay positive and resist the normal Kristi-response of freaking out. For the most part I have stayed quite calm, although I've had a few brief ocassions here and there where the fear rises up and I have a weepy moment. I decided that maybe I'd feel a little more prepared if I at least packed my hospital bag, so yesterday I made Brandi take me to Target (my first non-medical venture outside the house), to pick up hospital necessities like a travel toothbrush and 17 mega-paks of maxi pads. The trip was quite comical: me in a wheelchair with two shopping baskets in my lap, Brandi pushing me while trying to carry more items under her arm, and Gracie trying to force Brandi out of the way and whining that she wanted to push and/or ride the wheelchair herself. Sheesh, I wish I'd had the forethought to take a picture of *that* for the blog, we were quite a sight I'm sure!

So I've spent much of today trying to put together a pile of things for the hospital bag, and making several more phone calls to phone nurse Debbie, trying to work out insurance issues. My 40-foot-needle-toting home nurse, Sharon, came today for my weekly 17P injection, and informed me that Blue Cross/Blue Shield had denied Dr. Garcia's request to add continuous monitoring to my home care regimen. Last week he put in orders for Matria to set up a monitoring station in my bedroom .... the same toco monitors and fetal heart tone monitors they use in the hospital to assess your contractions and the baby's response to them. With the home system they are able to connect the monitor through your phone line, and it feeds the information to a nurse somewhere out in cyber-world, who reads your strip and pushes a big red panic button somewhere once she sees things getting problematic.

Apparently some dude in a suit at Blue Cross thinks that I must not really need this monitoring, because they've refused to pay for it. Maybe the suit-guy thinks Dr. Garcia is just out to get him. Or maybe he thinks he'd rather get another $10,000 bill from Northside Hospital than pay an amount 1/100th of that to cover my home monitoring. I don't know what the heck he's thinking quite frankly. But I'm extremely angry and frustrated today that once again a representative from my insurance company thinks that he knows more about what I need than my doctor does.

So Dr. Garcia's office is now fighting with Blue Cross on this matter .... however the monitoring was ordered by Dr. Garcia SEVEN DAYS AGO. Today is now Friday again, so the best we can hope for is to get some response from Blue Cross on Monday .... another three days away. In the meantime, I now have a +Ffn, time is ticking, and my hands are tied.

Geez, like I don't have enough to worry about at the moment?

I think I need to go re-read that scripture my friend, Heather, sent to me this morning. Where is it? Ah, yes, here, Philippians 4:6-7 ...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I'm trying. I really really am.

Bye Bye Bruises?

I'm almost afraid to say anything for fear that I will jinx it. But I will hold my breath and do it anyway .....

I think I might be done with the black-and-blue-tummy-look I've been sporting since August.

This is a super-big deal for me. And it's all thanks to this:

That's my new friend, Heparin. Now I'm no fan of medicine, and especially not the kind that requires needles. But this stuff .... ahhhh .... has been a nice change. For 27 weeks I have injected myself with Lovenox each night before bed. Lovenox is Heparin's less polite cousin. They essentially do the same thing - thin the blood - but Lovenox stays in your system for 24hours, while Heparin washes out after about 8-12. There are a few other differences too, but this is the main one. Doctors like lovenox because it's more stable in your system and requires less vigilent monitoring. Patients like lovenox because the syringes are pre-filled and only have to be injected once a day. The problem with lovenox is that you can't deliver a baby while taking it. There's a pesky little quandry of bleeding to death during delivery (generally not the desired outcome), and the fact that you can not have an epidural while it's in your system (which remember, is 24hours after you've taken your shot). So usually doctors will switch their pregnant lovenox users over to heparin around 36-38wks, in preparation for delivery. Heparin will be out of your system 8-12 hours after you inject, plus it's effects can be reversed with another medication (yep, another shot) once you get to the hospital if they see that labor is progressing quickly. Lovenox, on the other hand, can not be reversed. If you're on it when you go into labor you're kinda screwed.

Rather than waiting until week 36-38 to make the switch, my doctors have been planning all along to switch me around week 32, since I've never actually made it to week 36. But in light of last week's events, they have decided instead to switch me now at week 27. Technically I could deliver any day, though of course that's not the plan, but it's not worth the risk to stay on the Lovenox.

So, Wednesday I saw my hemotologist and OB. We ditched the Lovenox and welcomed Heparin into our home. I was less than excited about the switch, because originally my doctors were telling me I would have to inject Heparin THREE TIMES A DAY, yikes! I have been majorly struggling to manage once a day with Lovenox, so the thought of 3x's the needles made me want to cry. As my tummy grows and the skin gets tighter and tighter, it gets more and more difficult to inject. Each night gets more painful and takes longer to complete. So I was dreading the switch to 3 times a day.

Well, Wednesday I got two pleasant surprises: (1) My doc changed her mind and decided twice a day was enough; and (2) The needles are waaaaay smaller and way easier to inject! Because the syringes are not prefilled (instead you draw it up from the vial), you can pretty much use any size needle you want. My sweet pharmacist at Publix hooked me up with insulin needles, they are teeeeeny tiny and I can barely even feel them going in! So while I now have double the needles, the whole process is seriously half the trouble. Hardly any pain, and ...... dare I speculate ...... less bruising???????

Well it's only been two days so I don't know for sure yet about the bruising. But I'm hopeful that there will be an improvement. I will happily bid a fond farewell to my pitiful blue and purple sidekicks and welcome that nice smooth photogenic bump that I see in all my pregnancy magazines.

It may be premature to celebrate, since it's only been two days, but I'm doing it anyways. This morning I took what will hopefully be my last picture of lovenox bruises. They are a few days old now and finally starting to fade:




And just for giggles, since we're documenting it all, let's just compare this bulging image to it's predacessor. Here I am back in early September, after my first week of Lovenox:




Ahhhh, yes .... that was back when my belly button went IN instead of OUT. And there were some muscles in there somewhere. I almost don't remember what that feels like. *SIGH*

As for the rest of my week, here's the abbreviated update: My cervix is measuring about the same (praise the LORD!). My doc's are planning to increase the home care I'm receiving from Matria and sweet nurse, Sharon (the one with the 40-foot needles). There is some confusion, however, as to what exactly the doctor has ordered. One says an NST (non-stress test) and home monitoring each week, the other says a terbutaline pump. I'm praying it's only the former, because the thought of a terb pump has me shaking already. That stuff is horrendous ... I took it by pill every 4hours with Gracie, but now the new technology allows it to be attached to your hip with a needle under the skin, and it pumps out a continuous dose 24-hours a day sub-Q. I'm trying not to think about it until I know for sure what they've decided. It will be Monday before I hear back on that. Dr. Mann was initially saying NO on the terb pump because she's afraid it will make me lose more weight (nausea and vomiting are common on the pump, in addition to the tremors and shaking you normally get with the oral dose).

Apparently I've somehow managed to lose 4lbs since returning home from the hospital last week. I have no clue how. I've literally laid here in bed eating double-cheeseburgers. And my biggest form of exercise consists of wiggling my big toe. So go figure. I had been up 12lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight; but since losing 4 that now makes me +8 overall. So yesterday Dr. Mann had a mild hissy fit and told me that I have to start drinking Ensure three times a week. And then said she's afraid to order a terb pump because she doesn't want me to lose any more. Dr. Garcia, on the other hand, hasn't said a single word about my weight .... he's waaaaaay more laid back about that stuff.

Those of you who know me well know that food and I have always been great friends. Particularly the yummy fatty variety. So no worries ... I'm eating lots! Today, in fact, I had a large bacon-egg-and-cheese buscuit, a coke, and a piece of pound cake for breakfast. Maybe I should take a picture of myself eating all this junk to quiet down Dr. Mann?

Let's see, what else? We've rented a wheelchair to make my trips to the doctor a little easier. I asked Dr. Mann yesterday if I could go to church Sunday if I take the wheelchair and promise not to stand up .... she said absolutely not! I'm very bummed about that but I will try again next week! I haven't been to church since Jan 4 and it's killing me.

I was at the doctor three times this week. I have three doc's and they each want to see me once a week. It's kind of tough getting out to Northside and Piedmont in my condition, I have to have someone drive me now ... we're trying to make arrangements so that I will have less visits each week. Although for me the doctor's visits help my sanity because it's the only time I'm allowed out of bed and it's nice to have a reason to wash my hair every now and then. Wednesday was a big day for me because I got to put on makeup *AND* get this ..... I even shaved my legs! I know, wow, right?

Other than that, I'm only getting out of bed to pee. It's a very boring existance. However I can't really complain because we have been so blessed all week with just an outpouring of offers for help. It is absolutely overwhelming. We've had tons of meals brought to us this week, and had a few friends drop by to have a "picnic" in my bed to help me pass the time. My parents came this week and painted Jamin's room for me - a huge undertaking! We've had others offer to come take Gracie for a playdate which has been super helpful. And ... best of all .... we've found Brandi.

Brandi is the new lady of the house. She comes each morning when James leaves for work, gets Gracie up and dressed, feeds her breakfast, and takes her to school or ballet, etc. She runs all my errands for me, brings all my meals and medications to my bed, and serves as a constant companion and play-toy for Gracie. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is to have her here. I will blog more about that next week.

So for now I'm trying to relax a little (nearly impossible task since my brain is still functioning) .... and I'm counting each day passed as a small victory. Today I am 27weeks 3days, thank you Jesus! I've got my eyes firmly fixed on week 28 .... that will be a huge milestone to pass and there will be much celebration next week when we get there.

A most heartfelt and profound THANK YOU to all of my sweet family and friends for the flood of generous assistance this week. I don't even have the words to adequately express our gratitude. We are overwhelmed by your kindness and love day after day and we are forever grateful.

Adjusting

Today was my first full day back home. I am so thrilled to be back with my family again! James has spent the day waiting on me hand and foot, delivering all my meals and medicines to me in bed. He has bathed, fed, and entertained Gracie, done two loads of laundry, and I even heard the vacuum cleaner turn on this morning ... though I haven't made it downstairs to investigate yet.

I have spent the day laying. And thinking. And laying. And thinking. It's taken me a while to really wrap my brain around this whole situation. I am praying that we're in this for the long haul ... (10 weeks or longer would be ideal!) ... but at the same time find myself overwhelmed every time I think of all that will be required to keep our household in tact during that time.

Earlier this evening James took Gracie to the Glass Slipper Ball. I had purchased these tickets many weeks ago and was so excited. I had intended it to be one last special Mommy/Daughter adventure for Gracie and I to share before her new sibling arrived ... something girly for just the two of us that we would look back on years later and cherish the memory. But once again, God's plan has trumped mine, and James gets to be the only guest with a Y chromosome attending the Glass Slipper Ball.

So tonight as I dressed Gracie in her fancy Cinderella ballgown, curled her hair, and listened to her fantasize about scoring a dance with Prince Charming, the sadness flooded me. I kept up my happy face and excited demeanor for Gracie's benefit, since she was just so thrilled to be going, but inside I was crushed to be missing such an important Mommy moment. As they left I snapped a picture of the two of them all dressed up, passed out kisses and sent them on their way. Then I collapsed in a heap of tears before they were even out of the driveway. If there's anything I'm good at, it's wallowing in self-pity. I sat here for a few minutes feeling sorry for myself and wondering how many more moments I would miss over the coming weeks.

A few minutes into my pity-party, I got a phone call from my dear friend Katie, saying she was coming by to drop off a little something. Five minutes later she was on my doorstep with a basket of goodies and a surprise gift to entertain Gracie. Her thoughtfulness totally turned my night around and forced my brain to focus on bigger things -- like how fully the Lord is blessing our family during a difficult time. We have truly been overwhelmed by many sweet offers of help from friends and family since we returned. I am so humbled and so grateful for everyone's willingness to lend a hand. In all honesty it is quite difficult for me to let go of my control-freakish ways and accept favors from others. But God is teaching me that I have to ditch my pride and humble myself in order to allow His plan to take shape.

So I've abruptly ended my pathetic moaning, and now I'm thinking about how Jesus spent much of His life on earth teaching us repeated lessons about how to love and serve one another ... how to take care of our neighbors and wash eachother's feet. Before this week I thought that I fully understood it all but obviously I didn't. Now I'm starting to get it. I'm experiencing it firsthand. And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.

There are times in life when a fresh dose of perspective is in order. Mine was just delivered to my door in a gift basket. Right now the Lord is providing all that we need. And there will be another Glass Slipper Ball next year.

ps ... Thank you Katie for your perfect timing! :)