Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Today is Monday ..... my 7th day as a guest at Hotel Northside. My stay so far has been long, boring, and torturous. Under these circumstances, though, I suppose boring is actually a good thing, because at least there's no immediate disaster taking place.

Not much has changed since I got here, I am continuing to have painful cervical pressure which worries me. At first they were telling me this was just caused by a bladder infection (which we discovered at 4am on my first night here), but now after being on the antibiotic for several days with no improvement in the pain, they have determined it's apparently not bladder pain afterall. The doctor has ordered that they do not perform cervical checks unless absolutely necessary, simply because I have a previa and repeated checks can kick off a bleeding episode. So they are a little hesitant to investigate too far when I complain of pain. The midwife did check me again Saturday night, and said no change. Dr. McDaniel (who is Dr. Garcia's partner) and Dr. Gomez (who is Dr. Mann's partner) were on call all weekend, and each came to see me several times. They are guessing the pressure and pain I'm feeling is caused by the baby's position -- meaning his head is way down low and he's just pushing right on the cervix. I am nervous that this will cause additional thinning, but we won't have any way of knowing until tomorrow's ultrasound measurement.

In the meantime they are recommending that I lay completely flat for as many hours as I can stand it. This means reclining my bed so it's completely horizontal, putting a stack of pillows under my butt, and laying on my left side. I am unable to do anything in this position ...... the computer and reading are pretty much out so the only distraction I have is the TV, which I can see from that angle thank God. I can usually only stand to be this way for about 2-3 hours at a time, and then I have to sit up for a bit and take a break for the sake of my sanity.

My entire body is aching from lack of movement. I am in bed for about 23.5 hours a day. I take a 10-15 min shower each night before bed, and otherwise I am only allowed up to go to the bathroom. My back hurts, my sides hurt, my neck hurts, my legs hurt ........... everything just aches. And the longer I lay here, the more uncomfortable I get.

I've been on complete bedrest for 5 weeks now and physically it's really starting to show. I'm suffering from muscle atrophy in my legs. I started noticing the beginning signs when I was at home about two weeks ago. Walking up the stairs to my bedroom caused intense burning pain in my thighs and calves; and overall my legs visually look significantly shrunken. Apparently it's obvious to others too, because my very first morning here on the HRP floor the nurse examined my legs and immediately scheduled a physical therapy consult.

The physical therapist showed up Friday morning to teach me some exercises I can do each day in bed. They are pitifully simple things .... like point and flex your toes, raise and lower your leg about 12 inches off the bed, etc. When we first started, she would give me specific instructions on a particular exercise and ask me to do a set of 20 reps on each leg. I was internally rolling my eyes and thinking .... seriously??? Any 100-yr-old grandma could do these, this is silly. Then we'd get to rep #7 or 8 and I was out of breath and my legs were trembling. I found myself incredibly embarrassed, because these simple little movements were really difficult for me. I was laying there listening to her count repetitions out loud, having flashbacks to 6 or 7 months ago when I was in the gym with a personal trainer lifting a ton of weight. And now it's a struggle to lift just the weight of my own leg off the bed.

She explained that the burning pain I felt trying to walk up the steps is likely nerve pain, since over time the non-use of those muscles will mean that the nerve endings no longer fire normally. She said I would be unable to regain the muscle and nerve loss until after the baby is born, but regular repetition of these exercises (twice a day) while on bedrest can help prevent further loss from happening. I found this to be super depressing, as you can imagine. I am forced to lay here day after day, month after month, and watch my health decline and my body shrivel up into a shadow of it's former self. There's not a single thing I can do about it and that just frustrates me to no end. I get even more annoyed when I consider that when the baby finally arrives, I will be expected to suddenly get out of bed and run 500mph and physically function at 110% .... caring for a newborn and two other little ones all day and all night. Yet I won't be able to walk or stand normally. After Jamin was born it literally took about a year before I felt like my body had fully recovered -- before I could do everyday things, like walk to the mailbox or climb the staircase, with ease. So now I find myself, 6 months or so after finally returning to "normal" ....... starting the process all over again.

SHEER FRUSTRATION.

These kind of thoughts have my head spinning most days. Being here has turned into a bit of a mental battle. Luckily I've had a handful of visitors come by to distract me and that's been a huge help. On Friday I had a fluffy visitor show up unexpectedly:

A little spaniel named Rugby, who is part of the hospital's "Happy Tails" program. The doggies come around every Friday and visit bedrest patients. He was super sweet! They put a sheet down over my bed and he just jumped right up and made himself at home in my lap for a few minutes. I enjoyed talking to his owner and getting a few little puppy kisses.

And I finally got to see my kiddos Saturday afternoon, which made me soooo happy! I have missed my family like crazy, it is really hard being so far away from them. Gracie had an upper respiratory infection all week (which James has been forced to handle alone, a first) ... but by Saturday she was finally feeling well again and a visit was in order. Jamin was super wiggly and wanted to explore every nook and cranny of my hospital room, but Gracie just plopped herself right up in my bed and cuddled the whole time she was here. Which is just what I need! Can't get enough kiddie lovin'. Look at this card Gracie made for me .....

She is so sweet I could just eat her with a spoon. Seriously.

I've had visits from a few friends and family members too, which I'm incredibly grateful for! It gets really lonely here and I am such a social person so I hate being by myself this much. I've been so desperate for human interaction that I've caught myself trying to make long conversation with any and everyone who walks in my room .... nurses, food service ladies, housekeepers, lab technicians ..... I'm not picky. Come to think of it, they probably think I'm incredibly annoying because I won't stop talking whenever they come in. I am super grateful to my friends who have visited, sent notes and flowers, made meals for James, babysat the kids, and offered to pray for us. We are so fortunate to have you guys and your generosity really does make days like this a little easier to handle. And can I also just say ......... THANK GOD FOR SARA, our nanny! She has been invaluable, I seriously don't know how we would be surviving the day-to-day without her, she is managing the kids and household and keeping us afloat. God has placed all these people in our lives at just the right time and is providing for all our needs.

I am seeing Dr. Mann tomorrow, for ultrasound #17. My last one was Thursday morning and showed my cervix had lengthened quite a bit since my hospital admission. Dr. Garcia came by this morning for rounds and told me that Dr. Mann might consider discharging me tomorrow if my cervical measurement is excellent and we have no other surprises going on. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but honestly I am just DESPERATE to go home! So I am praying that by some miracle my ultrasound will be all roses and she'll agree to let me outta here.

I will update when I know more .... should be early tomorrow morning (hopefully) when I'm taken downstairs for the ultrasound. Pray for us!