Frequent Flyer

Well, my hiatus from Hotel Northside lasted for exactly 10 days. Sunday night I began having stabbing pain in my upper back, just under my right shoulder blade. Every time I took a breath, the pain was horrifically unbearable. This made it totally impossible to breath normally, so I resorted to taking these short, shallow puffs of air because it hurt less.

I decided to play Dr. Kristi and diagnose myself .... afterall I'm practically halfway to my medical degree, right? Thinking I had a kidney infection, I ignored James' pleas to go to the Emergency Room and insisted that I just wait until the morning to see Dr. Garcia. I remember the last time I had a kidney infection I had the same pain in my back and deep breaths were painful, so this made perfect sense to me.

Apparently my medical skills aren't quite as sharp as I thought.

I went in to see Dr. Garcia first thing Monday morning, telling him I had a kidney infection. Roughly five seconds into the exam Dr. Garcia informed me that my kidneys are located nowhere near my upper back/ shoulder blade area. Furthermore, he said what I was experiencing was actually CHEST pain. I protested, because my chest did not hurt at all; the pain was in my upper back. Dr. Garcia then proceeded to give Dr. Kristi a quick anatomy lesson: the pain I was feeling in my upper back was inside my chest cavity. Sometimes chest pain is felt in the front, and sometimes it is felt in the back, he said.

Hmmm. Who knew??

He then spent the next two minutes YELLING AT ME because I hadn't gone to the emergency room as soon as the pain started. He actually raised his voice and wagged his finger at me! Defending myself, I explained that I truly thought it was just a kidney infection, and yes it hurt terribly but I didn't think pain would kill me. His eyes nearly popped out of his head and he snipped, "WELLLLL, if it's a pulmonary embolism, then yes actually that CAN kill you!!!!!"

OOPS.

Apparently chest pain + shortness of breath + pregnant girl with Protein S Deficiency = pulmonary embolism. Perhaps I should resign my medical license?

As it turned out, my faulty self-diagnosis didn't spare me a trip to the ER afterall. Dr. Garcia sent me straight there. I signed myself in and sheepishly explained to the triage nurse why I was there. She pulled up my name and social security number on the computer and quipped, "Oh my! You're a frequent flyer!"

Ummm, yes I am. Does this mean I get VIP status? Do I get bumped to the front of the line???

No such luck. After waiting 1.5 hrs, I was given a room and a really fantastic doctor named Dr. Funk. Her name was laughable but her medical skills were much better than mine! She was super thorough and openly offered a detailed explanation of everything she was thinking and why she wanted to order certain tests. My kind of girl.

Seeing that I was in terrible pain, Dr. Funk gave me a shot of morphine in my IV. Wow. It made my head super loopy, but sadly it only masked the pain for about 15 or 20 minutes. So I just went back to holding my breath again! About an hour or so later she suggested we try a dose of IV Dilauded. I did find that it helped the pain, and I could finally catch my breath. But again it wore off after about 20 minutes and then my pain level was back to being a 10+++. So after two tries with the Dilauded I decided to give up on the pain meds and just grit my teeth.

Dr. Funk's initial plan was to try and avoid exposing the baby to lots of radiation. Normally she would order a CT scan right off the bat, she told us, but since I was pregnant she wanted to try and rule out a pulmonary embolism using other means.

Two chest x-rays, an EKG, a renal ultrasound, 700 bottles of bloodwork and 8 hours later ......... we still had no answers. The x-rays and ultrasound came back normal, but my EKG was "suspicious" and my bloodwork showed elevated D-dimers, which could possibly indicate a clot. So Dr. Funk decided that we had no other choice but to do the CT scan of my lungs. Exposing the baby to the radiation is not ideal, she explained, but it's a matter of determining which is worse for the baby. Obviously if I have an undiagnosed pulmonary embolism and drop dead, that's far worse for the baby than the radiation he would receive from the CT scan. Seemed like a no-brainer to me! So I consented to the scan.

Incidentally, I had this exact same thing done 5 days after Jamin was born. In fact, when they got me down to the CT room I realized it was actually the exact same radiologist that had done my last CT scan roughly 18 months earlier. Gosh I've really spent way too much time in that hospital.

After prepping me with the contrast dye and getting me all situated inside the machine, Mr. Radiologist proceeds to pull out his clipboard and read aloud a two page long legal disclaimer. So I had to sit there and listen to him inform me of all the risks to my baby because of this radiation I'm about to receive ... birth defects, later development of cancer, up to and including death, blah blah blah. So I burst into tears, signed the stupid paper, and cried through the entire test.

I find it incredibly unfair that I should have to make such a decision. As if I don't already have enough things to worry about regarding my baby?!??

Thirty minutes later we were told the CT scan showed clear lungs! No clots! Dr. Funk decided I must have pleurisy. This is normally treated with anti-inflammatory drugs, but those are a no-no during pregnancy. So we would have to let my body fight the pleurisy on it's own, with pain medication to keep me comfortable in the mean time. I was given a prescription for Percocet and quickly discharged.

Since my return home I've been resting and recovering. Fortunately my pain is drastically improved, and so far I've only had to take 1/2 of one of the pain pills they gave me. So I'm considering myself lucky. A pulmonary embolism would've been a disaster, but pleurisy I can handle.

Coming Unglued.

Today marks 17 days in the hospital, and my extended stay here is really starting to take its toll. I’m not sure how to accurately describe it, other than to say I am utterly and completely exhausted in every way imaginable.

My physical condition has really deteriorated over the last 3-4 days. The baby is fine, and my cervix seems to be holding this week so I am celebrating those accomplishments, as they are really the two most important things at this point. Aside from those positives, though I am really struggling physically. I am pitifully weak …. the “I-can’t-possibly-walk-myself-to-the-bathroom” kind of weak. Upon standing, my legs immediately begin to burn and it takes incredible effort to move them. Taking ten steps feels like the equivalent to running a 5K. I can no longer stand up for the short time it takes me to brush my teeth. Instead I now have to sit down while I brush because I literally can’t hold myself up for 60 seconds. Even laying still in bed feels exhausting, I have this tingling all over and a heaviness in my chest that makes breathing feel like a chore. I ache everywhere. I just don’t feel normal in any way.

This has been the subject of several discussions of course, first with a few nurses and then with my doctors. Everyone seems to agree that what I‘m feeling is a result of “de-conditioning”, or my body just sort of shutting down due to not moving for such a long period of time. I’ve been in bed for 7 weeks now, though the last 2 here at the hospital have been way more extreme that what I did at home, as I am literally lying still for all but maybe 15-20 minutes a day. I have leg exercises, which the physical therapist taught me the first week here, that I am doing every day in bed. Though I am told the exercises will not really improve my condition, I still do them because I’m hopeful they will slow down further deterioration.

I have a hard time believing that I could feel this drastically horrible just because of “de-conditioning” …. this is not my first rodeo and I’ve done many long weeks of bedrest before and never felt this bad. But there doesn’t seem to be any other obvious reason … my blood pressure is staying up around “normal”; my hemoglobin and hematacrit are low but not insanely dangerously low. I’ve decided that perhaps it’s simply because my bedrest has never been this drastic before now … in the past I’ve always managed to get up for a little bit each day, whether it was throwing a load of laundry in the washer or walking downstairs for dinner. Now I am laying constantly, 99.9% of the day and I suppose that must be what’s making the difference in the way my body has responded.

Emotionally I am finding myself in similar territory. I mostly swing back and forth between moments of intense frustration, sadness, and overwhelming anxiety. I am annoyed and angry at my body, my circumstances, my confinement, and my inability to do even simple things by myself. I am homesick and sad because I miss my kids, my husband, and my old life. And I’m nearly paralyzed with worry and fear because I can’t quite seem to shake the feeling that something awful is about to happen.

Fighting the fear has become a daily battle. I mostly try to not think about the possibilities, and often I’m successful with that. But there are moments when it catches up with me and the anxiety is too strong to ignore. I am terrified at the thought of having a micro-preemie, or worse -- another stillbirth, and I find myself over-analyzing every bump, gurgle, and twinge I experience … Is my water breaking? Am I bleeding? How many contractions have I had this hour? Why isn’t the baby moving? It’s like waiting for the sky to fall. And I realize that, here I am again, now 25+ weeks into the pregnancy and I haven’t allowed myself to bond with this baby and I refuse to even give him a name for fear of “jinxing” it. As if that makes one bit of sense.

I also have equal amounts of worry for my family … this whole experience has been so hard for James and Gracie and Jamin. What condition will my family be in when this is all over? Will my kids be scarred and traumatized because their mother was absent for so long? Will my husband survive the stress of being thrown into single parenthood? Will Gracie be able to focus in school? Will Jamin start acting out in resentment? Already I can see the little cracks forming but I feel helpless to stop them. My kids appear to be struggling a little more this week … Gracie with some attention-seeking kinds of behaviors and Jamin melting down whenever he is separated from his dad and throwing frequent temper tantrums. And then there’s James … he is so strong and he puts on a brave face, but I can see in his eyes that he’s struggling and it hurts me.

I am desperate to go home and I’m hoping that perhaps once I get there some of my physical and emotional conflicts will begin to lessen. I had my 18th ultrasound two days ago and Dr. Mann was pleased … my cervix has lengthened back up to 2.5cm. The polyhydramnios has improved a teeny tiny bit. The placenta has not moved since last week, but my docs are now saying they could attempt a vaginal delivery based on it’s current location.

After the ultrasound, Dr. Mann said she was initially planning to keep me here until I hit 28 weeks, but if I wanted to “try” going home for a bit she would allow it. So we are cautiously planning for discharge sometime tomorrow (!!!!!) as long as my symptoms stay stable. I CAN NOT WAIT. I am trying not to let myself get too excited, in case it doesn’t happen, but that’s really hard to do of course. She warned me that there is a high likelihood I will end up back in the hospital again, and seemed fairly certain that we should anticipate that happening sometime in the next few weeks. From what they’re telling me, most likely I will have to return sometime soon for a magnesium sulfate wash. The possibility of needing this is highly distressing at the moment because I’m told the side effects are awful. More on this later. For now I’m pulling the denial card and it’s working quite well so I’m not ready to give that up yet!

Pray for us.

How Low Can Ya Go?

Last week I got a call from Dr. Duncan's nurse at Emory telling me the results of my latest Protein S labs, which were taken at 10weeks gestation. My "Free Protein S" had fallen to 19 (!!!!), down from 25 at 7weeks gestation and roughly 48 pre-pregnancy. "Normal" is considered to be somewhere between 60-150ish.

We knew this was coming, since Protein S naturally falls during pregnancy (even for the "Normal" folks). So while we were expecting them to fall, we were never expecting them to fall this low. The hematology nurse who called freely admitted she's never seen numbers in the teens before, which I also expected, but even so hearing it out loud didn't feel too good.

I managed to confine my mental freak-out to just a day or two, and now I'm just taking comfort in the fact that God's got me covered. And the icing on top of that cake is knowing that Dr. Duncan is monitoring me very closely, and there is no doctor more qualified for this scenario than he is.

In fact, I'm feeling so confident, that I'm now taking bets on just how low my Protein S will drop before this is all over with. We expect that it will continue to fall as the pregnancy progresses, the lowest point being at the end of the pregnancy. So now it's just a game of "How Low Can Ya Go?" .... without triggering a disaster, of course. Anyone want to take a guess? We need to award a prize to the person who gets closest without going over!

I'm thinking if numbers in the teens are nearly unheard of, would I just be a complete freak of nature if I had a single digit number? If so, then that's my goal. Just another chance for God to show off!

BRING IT ON PROTEIN S!!

Tonight I'm reminded once again what a complete miracle Gracie is. I'm always calling Jamin my "miracle boy" and eager to share with anyone who will listen how God brought him here. But knowing now that my Protein S drops to unheard-of levels in the first trimester of pregnancy ... and knowing that I was clueless and unmedicated for my entire pregnancy with Gracie ... and knowing that we both survived ... seriously blows my mind!

I'm also resolving not to whine anymore about those stupid Lovenox shots. Yes they hurt and yes I absolutely hate injecting myself every night, but since they are keeping me alive right now I suppose it's only fair to stop complaining about them.

Thank you God for Lovenox!

Limping to the Finish Line

Or really, it would be more accurate to say:

DESPERATELY CLAWING OUR WAY TO THE FINISH LINE.

We now have just two days left until Jamin's arrival, and let me tell you, we are being pummeled from every angle. Please forgive me if this post comes across as super whiny. I'm trying not to whine, truly I am. But I am so overwhelmed, seriously I just need to vent for a moment.

My contractions are growing ever more frequent and painful with each passing hour, every time I think they can't possibly get any worse .... they do. I am contracting about every 6-10 minutes, even though I'm now on the maximum dosage of terbutaline. I also have significant pain way low in my cervix, which does not go away despite hours of laying in bed. I'm guessing that I have to be continuing to dilate. If Jamin is not halfway outta me by the time I arrive at the hospital Thursday night I will be shocked.

Being on the max dosage of terbutaline has me geeked outta my mind. Man, that stuff is nasty. I was on it for nearly 5 weeks with Gracie, and now 12 weeks on/off with Jamin ...... but seriously I am still shocked sometimes at how awful it can make you feel. I am constantly trembling, heart racing, and sometimes have difficulty catching my breath. It's also doing a number on my already problematic blood pressure. Needless to say, sleep is pretty much out the window at this point.

I am still checking Gracie's little head twice a day for nasty bugs. So far we seem to be in the clear, THANK YOU LORD. But Doctor Kaufman says we're not quite out of the woods until Friday. So I'm optimistic, but afraid to declare victory too soon on that one.

My babysitter, Brandi, has landed herself in the hospital now .... complications with her blood pressure and potassium levels. Please pray for her and baby Savannah! Her absence is sorely missed, as I haven't had any help here at the house all week and I am pretty much totally unable to do anything by myself right now.

"THE" family issue that I've been praying about is not resolved, in fact it's only grown a million times worse. I was up at 4:00am this morning having a panic attack over this whole mess. I am trying not to break under the stress, but I'm close.

And last but not least .......... the coup de grâce ............ Gracie woke up at 7am this morning vomiting. James took her to the doctor, where it was determined that she has an unidentified stomach virus. We have no idea at this point how long she will be sick or when she will be passed the contagious point. She has not developed a fever yet, which is the yardstick by which the doctors generally determine the contagious period. We were instructed that if she has no fever and no vomiting by tomorrow, she is fine to come to the hospital to meet her brother on Friday.
But if she has any fever or any vomiting tomorrow, then she has to stay away. I haven't even had the heart to tell her yet .......... she will be DEVASTATED. As I am. All we can do at this point is wait and see.

In the meantime, James and I are washing our hands so feverishly that the skin is ready to fall off. We are praying that she recovers quickly, and that neither of us contract it. We are feeding her small sips of pedialyte, which seems to be our only option as she was throwing up water earlier today. If/when she keeps down the pedialyte for 8 solid hours, then we can try some bread or applesauce.

I am desperately begging for your prayers!!! We are so overwhelmed and my brain can hardly function at this point. I truly want to just break down and cry for a bit, but I don't even have the energy to do that.

Please pray for:
1. Gracie: no fever, hold down foods, recovery by tomorrow, no head lice.
2. James and I: no stomach virus, a few hours of sleep, maintain sanity.
3. Jamin: mature lungs by tomorrow!
4. Pregnancy complications: amnio tomorrow morning with no problems, normal blood pressure, contractions and cervical pain under control, NO SPONTANEOUS LABOR.
5. Gigantic family thing: resolution before WWIII breaks out.

Okay, that's all my brain can handle for now.

33 Fun-Facts

Growing up, my family would always kid that I was the queen of "fun-facts", a.k.a ........ useless bits of information that most people don't really care much about. Today I've decided it would be fun to share 33 little facts about my pregnancy, to celebrate 33 weeks of pregnancy. Many thanks to my dear friend Katie for sharing this idea. So sit back, pay close attention, and get your #2 pencils ready. There will be a pop quiz sometime next week.


1. I am now 33 weeks pregnant. To date, I have had 16 ultrasounds, 47 doctors appointments, 19 cervical exams, and approximately 304 needle sticks. The needle number breaks down to 140 lovenox shots, 17 progesterone injections, 112 heparin shots, 27 blood draws, 1 diabetes screening, 2 steriod injections at the hospital, and 5 IV's.

2. In an average week, I'm currently having about 672 contractions, swallowing 63 pills, choking down about 70 peppermint Tums, and spending 21+ hours attached to my toco monitor.

3. I tried to count the number of times I've complained ..... but let's just be realistic .... totally impossible to estimate.

4. Maternity clothes and I don't really get along. After three pregnancies, I can honestly say that I have never owned a single pair of maternity pants that fit me. This time around, I decided not to waste my money, and instead focused on buying "normal" clothes one size bigger than I would normally wear. This method has worked beautifully, up until about 2-3 weeks ago. It now requires a small miracle to button my jeans, and the change to warmer weather has left me with no short-sleeved shirts to wear. I refuse to buy anything else, though, since I only get to leave the house for doctor appointments and I keep thinking the baby will come any day now.

5. I am secretly terrified that I'm going to stab Jamin in the head with my heparin needle. The logical part of me knows this is pretty much impossible to do with a normal-sized syringe, but the mom part of me worries nonetheless. Since I inject in my stomach, right near the belly button, I practically hold my breath every 12 hours and try to think happy thoughts. This has gotten especially difficult lately, since Jamin moves and rolls and kicks non-stop, so injecting is like trying not to hit a moving target. I can literally feel him rolling under my fingers when I put the needle in. Add in a dose of terbutaline, which results in uncontrollably shaky hands, and you can understand my paranoia.

6. I recently found out that heparin is made from the intestinal mucous of a pig. Yes you read that correctly. Apparently the same is true for lovenox. I learned this lovely little tidbit after asking Dr. Garcia why the pamphlets from the pharmacy have warnings about allergies to pork and pork products. Since Dr. Garcia is constantly kidding around and exaggerating for the sake of a good laugh, I honestly thought his explanation was a joke until I got home and looked at my heparin vials. Sure enough, right there on the packaging, it says: "Porcine Intestinal Mucosa". So now when I inject my heparin, I must control my fear of stabbing the baby, steady my trembling terbualine hands, beg Jamin to hold still, AND I must also control my gag reflex while fighting off visions of pig intestines. It's gotten to be quite a task!

7. I have a medic-alert bracelet, which I ordered the very first week of my pregnancy. I wear it every single time I leave the house because I have this fear that I will collapse while alone in public and no one will know what the heck to do with me. My bracelet contains my name, a description of my most important injections, a list of my drug allergies, and emergency contact numbers for James and Dr. Garcia. I honestly won't venture past the mailbox without that thing on my arm.

8. If I have a choice between drinking a glass of water, or a coke, I almost always go for the coke. Yes I often feel guilty for it. But I'm almost positive it doesn't make me a bad mother.

9. I am convinced that I have taken more medication during this pregnancy than I have in the previous 29 years of my life combined. I have no way of proving that, but nonetheless I'm quite positive it's true. And it bothers me immensely.

10. I'm equally convinced that I know more details about pregnancy complications than most medical professionals. I can easily quote statistical studies of cervical measurements and their corresponding rates of preterm delivery, the failure rates of 17P, or the percentage of fetal fibronectin inaccuracies.

11. I haven't been able to touch my toes since around Christmas-time. I normally keep a strict foot-regimen and maintain my own professional-looking pedi, but my lack of flexibility has resulted in an embarrassingly unkempt appearance. Every week when I see Dr. Garcia and put my feet up in those dreaded stirrups, I feel the overwhelming need to apologize. He usually rolls his eyes, and tells me that he's seen lots of gross things in all his years of medical practice and unpainted toenails don't even crack his top 100. I believe him, yet feel embarrassed anyways.

12. I *can* still shave my legs, though doing so requires a serious feat of olympic-worthy gymnastics. By the time I'm done I'm so exhausted that I literally have to sit down in the shower to catch my breath, at which point I half expect to see Bela Karolyi burst in shouting, "Zat vaz faantasteek my leetle friend!" while waiving a gold medal and a bouquet of wild flowers in the air. But so far, no Bela ... no gold medal ... and no acknowledgement of my super-human one-footed back-bending abilities. It's kind of disappointing to be honest.

13. I can personally attest to the fact that it really IS possible to get heartburn from ingesting only a sip of water. It makes no difference what I eat, or when I eat, or how much I eat. Even when I DON'T eat ..... the result is constant unbearable heartburn. In the morning I wake up, on an empty stomach, with heartburn. If I'm in a sitting position, but bend over slightly (to write, or type, or sew) I can literally feel acid coming up my throat. I have tried Zantac, Tagament, Protonix, and endless bottles of Tums. There is no cure.

14. Despite spending countless hours confined to my bed ..... I hardly EVER turn on the the tv. I spend most of my time playing games with Gracie, or surfing with the computer in my lap, or on the phone, or making lists, or working on sewing projects. Honestly the only time my tv gets turned on is when Gracie wants to watch Noggin, or when James gets home from work.

15. I remain amazed/horrified/entranced/scared to death by the endless ways pregnancy alters my body. So far I have gained 15 lbs, but my waist has grown NINE INCHES! Yes I measure it. No I'm not obsessed. I just like to record every detail, it's so neat to look back on later. I can tell you, for instance, that while I currently weigh less than I did when 33 wks pregnant with Gracie, my tummy is much larger in size now than it was back then.

16. A few weeks ago I noticed that I'm developing melasma on my upper cheeks. This is the nicely-named "mask of pregnancy" .... basically extra pigment, though it should be only temporary, praise Jesus. I never had this with either of the other two pregnancies, but it's quite ugly. One more ego-buster on top of all the other ego-busters pregnant mommies must endure ....

17. Hormones will apparently cause extra hair to grow in strange places. 'Nuff said on that subject.

18. I am baffled and completely intimidated at the prospect of shopping for a nursing bra.

19. I often worry about the physical difficulties I may face after Jamin is born .... just getting my body to function normally again. Right now I can only walk short distances without pain shooting thru my weakened leg muscles, and a trip up the stairs causes serious fatigue and breathlessness. Most days I feel like a 30-year-old woman in a 90-year-old body.

20. I've decided whoever started the rumor that "pregnancy is beautiful" has clearly never been pregnant before. See #4, #11, #12, #15, #16, and #17.

21. The later stages of pregnancy have given me crazy dreams. Not the "oh-la-la" kind of crazy dreams, but the "I-need-a-psychiatric-evaluation" kind of crazy dreams.

22. I have learned that people really do stare when you go to a public place in a wheelchair. Traveling this way has been a very eye-opening experience.


23. I am completely terrified of getting stretch marks. So twice a day, for the duration of my pregnancy, I have slathered $79-a-bottle prevention cream all over my abdomen. I have no idea if it will actually make a difference, but my fear of stretch marks is worse than my fear of wasting money.

24. Sometimes in conversation when I'm talking about Jamin, I accidentally call him Isaac. It freaks me out and I hate it.

25. I have a freakish-looking marble-sized hand tumor on the top of my right wrist. Dr. Garcia tells me it's just a ganglion cyst .... basically a minor thing but a serious annoyance. Occasionally my three middle fingers will go numb. Dr. Garcia referred me to his hand surgeon and I'm planning to pay him a visit once I'm not pregnant anymore (I think I have enough doctors for the time being!)

26. Despite my now proficient use of needles, I *still* have to look away EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a blood draw. There are just some things you don't ever get used to.

27. I've had my packed hospital bag sitting by the door for the last 7 weeks, and I'm convinced that the one time I forget to bring my cellphone to the doctor with me will inevitably be the time I am sent to the hospital in labor.

28. I find myself extremely annoyed by the women who sail through pregnancy with zero complications but yet have the nerve to make a huge fuss about minor things like swollen feet.

29. I absolutely, unequivocally, can not WAIT to have my body and my life back ... yet at the same time I know, without a doubt (because I am nuts), that in the very near future I will feel extremely sad and miss being pregnant.

30. I am astounded to think of how drastically my perspective has changed from the first pregnancy to the third. The things that seemed so gigantically worrisome the first time -- like whether I'd require a C-Section or whether I'd master the art of breastfeeding -- really seem so trivial to me now. I could honestly care less about that stuff at this point, as long as my baby ends up safely at home with me.

31. I've had to physically restrain myself from choking people who find out about my bedrest situation and make comments like, "I sure wish **I** could lay in bed all day and have people waiting on **me** hand and foot!!!" ...... as if being stripped of your freedom, confined to your bed for 23 hours a day and allowed to do NOTHING beyond wiping your own bottom and worrying endlessly about the safety of your baby and the well-being of your family is actually a VACATION and not TORTURE.

32. My needle bruises have served as comic relief throughout my pregnancy. About 2 months ago I was making an "emergency" trip to Dr. Garcia's office ... it was one of those scheduled over the phone, be-here-in-30-minutes kind of appointments. I have *never* seen any other provider at his office, because I just have too much going on and no one else really wants to deal with me, but on this day Dr. Garcia was out so they stuck me in quickly to see a midwife named Mia, who was super sweet. She made jovial conversation with me, checked me out, and then lifted my shirt to do the "push on your belly" maneuver .... at which point she stopped dead in her tracks. Her lighthearted demeanor immediately became urgently serious, and she pulled up a chair, sat down next to my exam table, and grabbed my hand. Thinking she must've seen something hugely problematic, I began to panic. Then she looked right into my eyes and said, "Kristi, I need you to tell me right now how you got those bruises on your stomach. Is your husband unhappy about the pregnancy?"

33. In spite of all the hardships and challenges this whole experience has brought us, I don't regret our decision to take the plunge. Even if I had known eighteen months ago all that was in store for us, I would choose to do it again without hesitation. I'm just so grateful to be pregnant.

Ending the Hiatus!

So I'm sure all 4 of my blog fans have undoubtedly noticed that I've been totally absent lately. The last few weeks I've been quite grumpy and just couldn't really think of anything remotely positive to say. Every time I would log on and start to update my blog, a bunch of angry complaints and whines would pour out and, not wanting to preserve my ugliness for all to see, I would hit the delete button. Trust me when I say, you should thank me for it.

So here's the condensed version of the last three weeks, to catch you all up to speed:

From an emotional standpoint, I've been a bit of a mess. Super hormonal, super grouchy .... and super annoying I'm sure. Mostly this has stemmed from an overwhelming frustration at my confinement, my inability to do anything for myself without some version of a babysitter chastising me like I'm 10 years old again, and my general lack of freedom and normalcy. Cabin fever doesn't even begin to describe it. We're talking about TEN FULL WEEKS of bedrest, afterall. Then there has been my constant inner battle, dealing with my intense discomfort for depending on other people, and my general refusal to accept help. My control freak issues have been especially ugly to deal with. The Lord is really trying to work that outta me and I've just been kicking and screaming the whole way.

From a medical standpoint, not much has changed. My cervix has continued to shorten, and at last measurement was back down to 1.7cm, which was the same measurement I had the day I was admitted to the hospital. The polyhydramnios has also returned, so I was back on another 72hour course of Indocin to try and reduce the fluid. We won't know if that was successful until tomorrow, when I see Dr. Mann again and have another ultrasound to measure everything. At this point, even if the extra fluid is not gone, our options are limited, because Indocin can not be taken at or beyond week 32 (can cause heart defects in baby past that time). So the course I took at week 31 was our last shot at reducing the fluid.

I've had a few issues w/ my blood work .... mostly my hemoglobin and hematocrit levels are continuing to lower, this is mostly just causing me to feel wiped out and icky. At my last two visits to the hematologist, my blood pressure was way low, around 80/59 .... so they gave me some IV fluids to try and perk me up.

Dr. Garcia told me yesterday that my cervix is now about 1cm dilated, which is really nothing to write home about.

So it's with much amazement that I report: I am still pregnant, and I could likely stay that way for a while longer! If I'm just being honest I must admit, I NEVER NEVER NEVER in a million years thought we'd get to week 33. But here we are, and I'm embarrassed to look back and realize once again that my faith has been sorely lacking.

Saw my OB yesterday, the hematologist today, and will see my peri tomorrow. I am interested to see how Jamin has grown since our last measurement, he should be about 4.5 - 5 lbs now if all is well! Isn't that astounding?

I promise I won't take a long absence again .... after all, I have 4 whole fans who are counting on me! But the break was a necessary one, and for your benefit, I promise!

Breaking Back

I'm 16weeks now .... and right on schedule my horrifically debilitating back pain has arrived! With every pregnancy I've been plagued with this, the can't-move-without-crying kind of pain in my mid to lower back. Some days when I'm super lucky it radiates through the booty and shoots down both legs, causing me to walk with a gimp that James can't resist making fun of.

To compensate for his giggles, James treated me to a massage at BodyWorx Spa last week. The massage was fabulous, but somehow it actually made the problem worse. I have tightened up so badly that I literally can not take a deep breath without pain shooting down my back and tears filling my eyes.

And since I'm on the topic of pregnancy discomfort, can I just say that I've also (ahem...) observed, that I am covered in black bruises, I can't sleep, I have to pee every ten minutes, I have unidentified fluids pouring out of my nether-regions, I'm eating Tums and Colace by the handful, I'm so tired that I can hardly walk straight, and I have medicine coming out my eyeballs.

But again, I'm not complaining. I am blessed to be with child.

Adding to my super-fun experience this week are Braxton-Hicks contractions. They have started already. Dr. Garcia says not to worry at this point (doesn't he know by now that "Worry" is my middle name?) ..... I'm just praying that my cervix holds up. I'm trying to stay off my feet as much as possible, which is hard with Thanksgiving approaching. And drinking 60+ ounces of water each day is not helping my frequent-pee problem, but I digress ....

My second set of injections is scheduled to start next week. They are giving me 17-alpha-hydroxy-progesterone, 250mg injections, once per week. This treatment is fairly new ... it's given to women with previous preemies, and is thought to reduce your risk of preterm birth by up to 30%. These are intermuscular injections (unlike my lovenox which is just subcutaneous), so I am unable to do them myself. So they are sending a high-risk obstetrical nurse to my house each week to administer the injections and monitor me for pre-term labor. Once again, thank GOD for insurance.

Matria, the home healthcare company, sent all the injections to me this week via FedEx overnight express. I made the mistake of opening the package and inspecting everything. With much trepidation and horror I report to you that I *observed* .... those needles are freaking gigantic. Probably 4-5 times the size of my Lovenox needles. Apparently the medication is compounded in castor-oil, so it is very thick (almost looks like vegetable oil!) .... and giant needles are necessary to push it through. The home nurse called this week to arrange everything, her name is Sharon. She seemed nice on the phone, but even still I keep picturing her chasing me through my living room with a 40-foot needle. I'm terrified of her already.

I am blessed to be with child. I am blessed to be with child. I AM BLESSED TO BE WITH CHILD .......