Hebrews 11:6

I had two more ultrasounds this week (details to come in a later post, promise). Baby's measurements exactly matched my LMP this time, so growth is going just perfectly and the heartbeat is strong and right where it should be! I dunno why exactly, but for some reason I was surprised by this good news. It's either my general lack of a positive attitude, or my lack of faith in God's goodness and power, or maybe it's a combination of both. But during the week I spend waiting in between doctor's appointments I find myself convinced that the pregnancy is doomed and I begin telling myself not to get too attached. For my last two OB appointments, in fact, I've shown up there fully expecting to hear some kind of tragically terrible news. I mentally prepare myself for it days before I get there. And then we do an ultrasound and I lay there like a dumbfounded fool because all I keep getting is perfectly fabulous good news. So I leave the office feeling fantastic and excited, and roughly 2-3 days later the doom and gloom sets in and the process repeats itself.

It is a constant mental battle -- and a spiritual battle, I'm embarrassed to acknowledge -- and I'm trying really hard to fight harder and stay focused and not allow myself to fall into that pitfall each week. At church this past weekend my pastor spoke about how fear will give us memory loss ...... we get so scared that we forget the miracles God has already done for us in the past, and instead we focus only on the scary circumstances we're in at the present and we begin to think surely we're doomed.

Well as you can imagine that message certainly hit me like a ton of bricks.

He might as well have cued a big spotlight right onto my chair and waived to me from the pulpit. Hello! Kristi! God is speaking to you! Are you listening? DUH. I mean, could I possibly be a more ungrateful, unfaithful doubter? Look what God has already done for me! Look at the miracles He has performed! They are all right here recorded in this very blog, should I need a reminder. Not to mention the fact that there is living proof of His miraculous power, giggling and toddling around my house with a big baldy head and chunky little legs, and I stare at him all day long ... how could I possibly forget?? How could I have the audacity to doubt? Is my faith so weak and my trust so frail as to think God isn't capable of doing the EXACT SAME THING He's already done before?

Well I'm determined to fight the fears and the unbelief, and I know the only way to do that is to get my head in the Word and keep it there each and every day. But I need help, friends, I need accountabilty. So if you are my brother or sister in Christ I'm asking you first to pray for me and second to call me out when you see me. Hold my feet to the fire! Ask me how I'm doing and if I'm standing firm. I know myself well enough to know this is a serious area of weakness for me and I also know that without faith it is impossible to please God, so this is certainly not something I'm willing to ignore any longer.

Also feel free to smack me in the head every once in a while, it's for my own good so I'm giving you permission. I promise not to freak out. It will be like that V8 commercial ....



"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Hebrews 11:6