The halfway point!

I can hardly believe I'm 20weeks already! The last several days have been emotionally draining to say the least .... with passing the "milestone" gestational date when Isaac died, Laura being in the hospital, and fears of increasing contractions and a thinning cervix. Praise the Lord we've all survived, and Laura is just fine despite a good scare.

I must say I expected Isaac's milestone date to be sad, but in all honesty I was not expecting it to be so completely overwhelming. I literally spent the entire day in tears, and on the way home from Dr. Garcia's office I stopped by the cemetary (haven't been in a while). There I sat, alone, sprawled out in the grass, weeping like a crazy woman while it snowed.

Not my proudest moment.

I'm blaming it on the hormones. And the fact that our current circumstances have increased my fears of a repeat. I've been seeing Dr. Mann (perinatologist) every 2 weeks ... each time I go she does an ultrasound and takes careful measurements of my cervix. At week 16, it was measuring 4.0cm, which is good. Two weeks later (week 18), amidst increasingly frequent contractions, it had shortened to 3.5cm. This is right at the bottom end of the "normal" range, but of course its enough to have my mind racing with fear. I go back again on Wednesday for another measurement - I'm praying for no change so I can relax a bit. Right now James and I are holding our breath, to some extent it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. We talk about our fears often, which helps just to know I'm not alone. James is also immensely stressed and frightened.

Though he can't blame his fears on the hormones. That's one of the perks of being pregnant!