The calm before the storm ...

Today my mind is racing, in true typical Kristi-style. That familiar anxious feeling - the heavy ache in my chest - is creeping over me. I've had lots of practice over the last year and a half dealing with this feeling. We've been through so many ups and downs (well, okay, maybe more than our fair share of downs!) over the last eighteen months .... that the anxiety almost seems like the norm these days. I've learned lots of little tricks to help me deal with these feelings when they start to overwhelm me: deep breathing, praying, shopping(!!), reading, etc, etc, etc. One of the things that has helped me the most during my emotional meltdowns is talking. Not the chit-chatty stuff ... I mean REALLY talking. About everything I'm feeling: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Getting it all out on the table has been so therapeudic for me in the past. And many times since our ordeal began I've had a near-obsessive NEED to TALK ABOUT IT.

This method of coping has served to cause some major issues from time to time among those people close to me, who are the unfortunate recipients of my constant emotional babble. I understand that must be hard for my loved ones! Some have tried to be supportive, and others not-so-much. But very early into my grieving period I began to feel like a major burden on some of my loved ones. So I began seeking out alternative ways of fulfilling my need to talk through my emotions. I joined an online support group, full of other fabulous women who had endured the same pain that I had ... women who had that same obsessive need to VENT. Turns out we are really good for eachother!! I thank God for finding this small circle of women who I now call my *friends*, they have been my lifeline on many days. Another way I have learned to satisfy my need to cope is through writing. Never considered myself much of a "writer" before ... but I've learned that doing so can really soothe a tattered soul without burdening those you love with your emotional junk. And SO..... here I am: writing. The need just overcame me today so strongly that I suddenly created a blog profile and began typing. But why, why, WHY, you may be wondering, would I be feeling so anxious at this moment?? It's because of the big secret that I've only shared with one person (outside of my "BabyAngels" group, that is).....

James and I are trying to have a baby.

Phew, there it is. One sentence, so exciting, and yet scary as all @*%* at the same time! We haven't been "trying" long ... this month was our first attempt in fact (TMI, I know, sorry!) ... but apparently it's been long enough for my annoying personality traits to step in, and so begins my worry process. James is gone today picking up a goat (ask me again after Christmas and I'll explain why!) ... and so as Gracie and I sit here watching "Woody Woodpecker" (her new favorite), I'm suddenly compelled to write. Again. Since I have a feeling I'll been doing a lot of writing over the next 9 months (God willing), I decided a blog would be a good idea. I have no idea if anyone besides me will ever read it, or if I'll ever even INVITE anyone to read it for that matter. But right now I'm needing a personal place to unload all of my emotions - the excitement, the worry, the paralyzing fear .... especially knowing that in the months to come (God willing) there will be many more emotions which surface.

At this point it's too early for James and I to know if our "efforts" (*wink, wink*) this month were successful in producing a baby. We are hoping to know for sure in the next day or so. We are both so giddy with excitement and anticipation that we can hardly see straight! But the practical part of me is stepping in today and taking stock of just how hard this is going to be, whenever it happens. James and I are not naive - we've been through the preconception consultations with all the specialists, we've read the statistics, we've analyzed all the potential outcomes, and we know without a doubt that with another pregnancy we will face a MOUNTAIN of emotional, physical, and spiritual difficulties. For a very long time we were too consumed with fear to even consider trying again. But as time has passed we've slowly found ourselves at the point where the desire for another child now outweighs our fear of what we'll endure in order to get there. James, in fact, is so giddy with excitement, he's been on cloud nine since we made our decision to try again. I think he's going with the "let's not think about it" approach. That works well for him.

But me .... well, I was once a biology major. Despite my sometimes emotional and sensitive nature, I'm actually quite analytical and fact-based in my line of thinking. I need scientific studies, I need statistics, I need raw data. I need to read an article by some obstetrical genius proving that a woman with my medical history can have a perfectly normal healthy pregnancy. No, I haven't begun reading cover to cover The New England Journal of Medicine in my spare time yet, but I'm close. For months I have scoured hundreds of articles detailing all the risks and possibilities, I've made lists and asked so many questions that my dear doctors have begun joking that I'm 3/4 of the way done with my medical degree at this point. My former obstitrician even told me she'd give me a job working at her practice as an OB-educator. I think she was only half kidding. I've even dubbed myself an "info-maniac". It's that OCD part of my personality which I try to control, but in situations like this I actually find comfort in having ALL the information. It's the unknown I can't handle.

So, there's risks. Every pregnancy has risks. How bad can they be, you ask? Well, some background: I have a history of pre-term labor (PTL), marginal placenta previa, grade 3 placental abruption, and last year was diagnosed with heterozygous type III Protein S Deficiency. With a subsequent pregnancy, these are the risks according to all my doctors. With the first two, they've attempted to quantify my risks, with all the rest they will only tell me "increased risk" or "high risk":
1. PTL and/or another pre-term birth: 25%
2. Another abruption: 17%-20%
3. Placental previa
4. IUGR (Intra-uterine growth restriction)
5. Pre-eclampsia, common for women w/ blood clotting issues
6. HELLP Syndrome, a very severe form of pre-e
7. Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (DIC)
8. Stillbirth
9. DVT (Deep vein thrombosis)
10. PE (Pulmonary Embolism)

There are additional risks associated with the medications I will be injecting during the pregnancy ... but they are much less serious than those above.

Typing that list scares me. Anytime a condition can (rarely) lead to your death, and/or the death your baby, it's scary. But I do believe that God is the ultimate Healer, and my doctors assure us that with careful medical treatment a healthy outcome is attainable. Right now I'm holding on to those things for reassurance. We're either really confident, or really crazy. I'm not sure which. Regardless, I know we're in for quite a roller-coaster ride! But it's like they say: With great risk, comes great reward. If there's a healthy baby at the end of that rollercoaster, then the risks, the fears, the pains and sacrifices ... won't mean a darn thing at that point. It will all be so worth it.