Sinking in

Well, so we're not pregnant. Yet. I must admit I was a bit surprised, I really thought we'd knocked it out of the park this month. lol. I'm okay with the negative result, maybe even a bit relieved to tell you the truth ... just worried that the more time that passes means more time for my head to really kick it into overdrive. I'm already thinking to myself that I don't want to get pregnant in January, b/c that would most likely mean delivering in early September around Isaac's birthday. I know that's silly, but that time is sacred to us in a way. And it's really difficult to imagine trying to mix celebrating one child's birthday and another child's death day all in the same week. The emotional complications exhaust me just thinking about it.

Our Christmas was wonderful, though the annual marathon of running from one place to the next was still stressful and tiring. But we enjoyed it nonetheless. We were really hoping to have some "big news" to share with our families that day, but since this month is a no-go, James and I instead secretly traded grins and giggles at the thought of having a little bundle in our arms this time next Christmas. Lord willing.

The last few days have been spent recovering from the busy-ness of the Holiday, and doing some work around the house. Friday night we finally moved Gracie out of her crib (though it was converted to a toddler bed), and into a "big girl" bed. I have to say it was a little sad for Mommy to realize her baby is officially not a baby anymore! And it was also hard moving the crib into the empty room in our house affectionately known as "the box room". It's basically full of boxes and junk. I had cleaned it out and began getting it ready for a nursery while I was pregnant with Isaac. But after he died I was too disgusted to look at that room. We began throwing junk in there and keeping the door closed. Many times since then I've had intentions of cleaning it out again simply because it's become an eyesore in its current state, but never could bring myself to do it. But this weekend I couldn't put it off any longer. We got the new big bed in Gracie's room, and poor James had to *completely* disassemble the crib to get it through the doorway, down the hall, and into the spare room. But seeing it set up in there now, all stripped down to the bare mattress in an empty room, floods me with sadness. Mostly because there is supposed to be a little guy sleeping in that crib already. And also because my heart yearns for another baby to sleep curled up in that crib. That must sound confusing. It is confusing, even to me. The way I feel looking at that empty crib really epitimizes my mix of emotions right now. On the one hand, James and I really want to add to our family again. But no baby will ever "replace" our Isaac. He is our first born son. Another baby will not change how much we love him or miss him. A hundred more children will never change that. When we are 90 years old with dozens of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, we will still miss our son. We will never stop missing him. And yet, the irony is, that if he had lived, there would probably not be a third baby for us.

Clearly my emotions are all over the place right now. Please disregard. Can I just blame it on the PMS this month?