6 months and counting....

We are officially loosing our minds. Months of precise charting, ovulation kits, and calendar obsessing have come and gone. Still no baby. I am starting to think we are broken.

We knew this process would be a rollercoaster. That was a given from day 1. But I never expected the anxiety and overwhelming worry to be focused on the simple process of conception. Though, if there's anything I've learned over the past six months, it is that conceiving is anything but "simple".

We began fertility testing this month. Dr. Garcia has been running a series of blood work on certain days of my cycle to check hormone levels. So far everything is coming back within the normal range, so Monday he recommended that we have a semen analysis done on James. Fabulous, 'cause the poor guy isn't stressed out enough as is. Once that is complete he will begin more invasive testing on me.

So today I sit, on Mother's Day no less, crying and wondering why I'm again surprised that my plan and God's plan are two very different things. He has been so patient with me, teaching me this lesson repeatedly over the last two years. Of course, being the stubborn one, I've insisted on learning it the hard way. I know that He is in complete control of this, and I know that He has a plan. I guess I'm just grieving over the fact that it doesn't seem to be the same as mine. Once again. It's a bitter realization.

Adding to the sting is the fact that no less than SIX friends of mine have become pregnant since we began trying to conceive. No, it's not a contest. Yes, I am genuinely happy for them. It's not so much jealousy as it is a frustration that most people seem to take this for granted. They have no clue how lucky they are. Most are still in that blissful bubble of ignorance, having no clue what it feels like to struggle with infertility, or to hold your dead baby in your arms. I lived in that bubble once upon a time .... there are days when I wish more than anything that I could just go back there. To believing that bad things only happened to bad people and that pregnancy and childbirth were "natural" things that the body easily accomplished according to its design. I long to be one of those people .... like the friend who rolled her eyes and complained to me recently that any time her husband so much as WALKED passed her, she gets pregnant! Oh, pity, what a problem to have. Or the young woman I counseled at the PRC last week who's seeking her third abortion, and laments to me that its not her fault she's so darn fertile, what else is she to do? I find myself in these situations, listening to these complaints, and I have to really guard my heart against bitterness. I may smile and nod in empathy, but inside I'm wanting to scream.

And then there's the well-meaning inquiries that come from folks living in the bubble. Like the check-out girl at Publix yesterday who found herself in deep conversation with Gracie. She turns and asks me, "how old is she?". I respond, "she's four". Now, at this point, I could think of seven hundred ways for this lady to respond .... something about four is a fun age .... or oh wow I bet she really keeps you busy ..... anything. But instead, this total stranger feels the need to say,

"Oh, she's FOUR? Well it's about time you have another one, don't you think?"

So there I stood in the middle of Publix, trying to figure out how to respond. Am I supposed to say, "yeah, well, we DID have another one, and he died, and now despite months and months of trying we can't seem to get pregnant again. But thanks for asking!!" ..... SERIOUSLY HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THIS??? My mind scrambled for a moment but could only come up with - eyes down, head nod, "mmmhmmm", grab receipt, dash to the car before bursting out in tears.

Obviously this poor lady meant absolutely no harm with her comment. She's just in the bubble and she truly has no clue. She's certainly not the only one -- I am pelted with similar "hints" from people all over the place, well-meaning acquaintances and curious family, and now total strangers. When I take the time to think about it, I know I'm probably guilty of doing to same to someone else back when I lived in the bubble. But never again. Now I know better. I will never assume that someone has "only" one child by choice, or no children by choice. We have no idea what type of obstacles someone else may be facing.

See, the Lord is teaching me all kinds of things through this less-than-lovely experience. Maybe if I hurry up and learn everything quickly He'll let me off the hook with this one?