Coming Unglued.

Today marks 17 days in the hospital, and my extended stay here is really starting to take its toll. I’m not sure how to accurately describe it, other than to say I am utterly and completely exhausted in every way imaginable.

My physical condition has really deteriorated over the last 3-4 days. The baby is fine, and my cervix seems to be holding this week so I am celebrating those accomplishments, as they are really the two most important things at this point. Aside from those positives, though I am really struggling physically. I am pitifully weak …. the “I-can’t-possibly-walk-myself-to-the-bathroom” kind of weak. Upon standing, my legs immediately begin to burn and it takes incredible effort to move them. Taking ten steps feels like the equivalent to running a 5K. I can no longer stand up for the short time it takes me to brush my teeth. Instead I now have to sit down while I brush because I literally can’t hold myself up for 60 seconds. Even laying still in bed feels exhausting, I have this tingling all over and a heaviness in my chest that makes breathing feel like a chore. I ache everywhere. I just don’t feel normal in any way.

This has been the subject of several discussions of course, first with a few nurses and then with my doctors. Everyone seems to agree that what I‘m feeling is a result of “de-conditioning”, or my body just sort of shutting down due to not moving for such a long period of time. I’ve been in bed for 7 weeks now, though the last 2 here at the hospital have been way more extreme that what I did at home, as I am literally lying still for all but maybe 15-20 minutes a day. I have leg exercises, which the physical therapist taught me the first week here, that I am doing every day in bed. Though I am told the exercises will not really improve my condition, I still do them because I’m hopeful they will slow down further deterioration.

I have a hard time believing that I could feel this drastically horrible just because of “de-conditioning” …. this is not my first rodeo and I’ve done many long weeks of bedrest before and never felt this bad. But there doesn’t seem to be any other obvious reason … my blood pressure is staying up around “normal”; my hemoglobin and hematacrit are low but not insanely dangerously low. I’ve decided that perhaps it’s simply because my bedrest has never been this drastic before now … in the past I’ve always managed to get up for a little bit each day, whether it was throwing a load of laundry in the washer or walking downstairs for dinner. Now I am laying constantly, 99.9% of the day and I suppose that must be what’s making the difference in the way my body has responded.

Emotionally I am finding myself in similar territory. I mostly swing back and forth between moments of intense frustration, sadness, and overwhelming anxiety. I am annoyed and angry at my body, my circumstances, my confinement, and my inability to do even simple things by myself. I am homesick and sad because I miss my kids, my husband, and my old life. And I’m nearly paralyzed with worry and fear because I can’t quite seem to shake the feeling that something awful is about to happen.

Fighting the fear has become a daily battle. I mostly try to not think about the possibilities, and often I’m successful with that. But there are moments when it catches up with me and the anxiety is too strong to ignore. I am terrified at the thought of having a micro-preemie, or worse -- another stillbirth, and I find myself over-analyzing every bump, gurgle, and twinge I experience … Is my water breaking? Am I bleeding? How many contractions have I had this hour? Why isn’t the baby moving? It’s like waiting for the sky to fall. And I realize that, here I am again, now 25+ weeks into the pregnancy and I haven’t allowed myself to bond with this baby and I refuse to even give him a name for fear of “jinxing” it. As if that makes one bit of sense.

I also have equal amounts of worry for my family … this whole experience has been so hard for James and Gracie and Jamin. What condition will my family be in when this is all over? Will my kids be scarred and traumatized because their mother was absent for so long? Will my husband survive the stress of being thrown into single parenthood? Will Gracie be able to focus in school? Will Jamin start acting out in resentment? Already I can see the little cracks forming but I feel helpless to stop them. My kids appear to be struggling a little more this week … Gracie with some attention-seeking kinds of behaviors and Jamin melting down whenever he is separated from his dad and throwing frequent temper tantrums. And then there’s James … he is so strong and he puts on a brave face, but I can see in his eyes that he’s struggling and it hurts me.

I am desperate to go home and I’m hoping that perhaps once I get there some of my physical and emotional conflicts will begin to lessen. I had my 18th ultrasound two days ago and Dr. Mann was pleased … my cervix has lengthened back up to 2.5cm. The polyhydramnios has improved a teeny tiny bit. The placenta has not moved since last week, but my docs are now saying they could attempt a vaginal delivery based on it’s current location.

After the ultrasound, Dr. Mann said she was initially planning to keep me here until I hit 28 weeks, but if I wanted to “try” going home for a bit she would allow it. So we are cautiously planning for discharge sometime tomorrow (!!!!!) as long as my symptoms stay stable. I CAN NOT WAIT. I am trying not to let myself get too excited, in case it doesn’t happen, but that’s really hard to do of course. She warned me that there is a high likelihood I will end up back in the hospital again, and seemed fairly certain that we should anticipate that happening sometime in the next few weeks. From what they’re telling me, most likely I will have to return sometime soon for a magnesium sulfate wash. The possibility of needing this is highly distressing at the moment because I’m told the side effects are awful. More on this later. For now I’m pulling the denial card and it’s working quite well so I’m not ready to give that up yet!

Pray for us.