Adjusting

Today was my first full day back home. I am so thrilled to be back with my family again! James has spent the day waiting on me hand and foot, delivering all my meals and medicines to me in bed. He has bathed, fed, and entertained Gracie, done two loads of laundry, and I even heard the vacuum cleaner turn on this morning ... though I haven't made it downstairs to investigate yet.

I have spent the day laying. And thinking. And laying. And thinking. It's taken me a while to really wrap my brain around this whole situation. I am praying that we're in this for the long haul ... (10 weeks or longer would be ideal!) ... but at the same time find myself overwhelmed every time I think of all that will be required to keep our household in tact during that time.

Earlier this evening James took Gracie to the Glass Slipper Ball. I had purchased these tickets many weeks ago and was so excited. I had intended it to be one last special Mommy/Daughter adventure for Gracie and I to share before her new sibling arrived ... something girly for just the two of us that we would look back on years later and cherish the memory. But once again, God's plan has trumped mine, and James gets to be the only guest with a Y chromosome attending the Glass Slipper Ball.

So tonight as I dressed Gracie in her fancy Cinderella ballgown, curled her hair, and listened to her fantasize about scoring a dance with Prince Charming, the sadness flooded me. I kept up my happy face and excited demeanor for Gracie's benefit, since she was just so thrilled to be going, but inside I was crushed to be missing such an important Mommy moment. As they left I snapped a picture of the two of them all dressed up, passed out kisses and sent them on their way. Then I collapsed in a heap of tears before they were even out of the driveway. If there's anything I'm good at, it's wallowing in self-pity. I sat here for a few minutes feeling sorry for myself and wondering how many more moments I would miss over the coming weeks.

A few minutes into my pity-party, I got a phone call from my dear friend Katie, saying she was coming by to drop off a little something. Five minutes later she was on my doorstep with a basket of goodies and a surprise gift to entertain Gracie. Her thoughtfulness totally turned my night around and forced my brain to focus on bigger things -- like how fully the Lord is blessing our family during a difficult time. We have truly been overwhelmed by many sweet offers of help from friends and family since we returned. I am so humbled and so grateful for everyone's willingness to lend a hand. In all honesty it is quite difficult for me to let go of my control-freakish ways and accept favors from others. But God is teaching me that I have to ditch my pride and humble myself in order to allow His plan to take shape.

So I've abruptly ended my pathetic moaning, and now I'm thinking about how Jesus spent much of His life on earth teaching us repeated lessons about how to love and serve one another ... how to take care of our neighbors and wash eachother's feet. Before this week I thought that I fully understood it all but obviously I didn't. Now I'm starting to get it. I'm experiencing it firsthand. And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.

There are times in life when a fresh dose of perspective is in order. Mine was just delivered to my door in a gift basket. Right now the Lord is providing all that we need. And there will be another Glass Slipper Ball next year.

ps ... Thank you Katie for your perfect timing! :)

MIRACLE!

It's 11:30 am ... not much time to post so please excuse the lack of substance, I will fill in the details later:

Just returned from my ultrasound with Dr. Mann. I am in awe of what we saw. I was praying the cervix would measure 1.7 again, the same as Wednesday, meaning it was staying the same with no further loss of thickness. Apparently I underestimated God.

Today I am measuring 2.4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not even know it was possible to regain length like that. Dr. Mann explained that it can sometimes happen when extreme bedrest measures are taken and ALL pressure is removed from the cervix. She said she would allow me to go home as soon as I arranged my home situation to be exactly like my hospital bedrest has been here for the last three days. Then she turned and began to leave the room. So I yelled after her "Wait! What does that mean?". She replied that I can just notify her when I have gotten things in order in my house ... that could be sometime today or sometime next month. They would send me upstairs to the perinatal unit until things were all set at home. So I begged and pleaded and promised that I will not lift a finger can I puleeeeeeze go home now?!?

She cocked her head to one side, wagged her finger, made several threats, and then said okay. SO I'M GOING HOME!!!

I've just been brought back upstairs; I have to sit on the monitors for a little while longer, get one more injection of 17P, and then they will begin the discharge paperwork.

Thank you all so much for the prayers, God has certainly heard and He is doing big things! Please keep the prayers coming!

Many people are offering, "let me know if you need help" ..... quite honestly I'm not very good at calling and asking for help. It's a pride thing, I dunno, I need to get over it. But if you're wanting to try and help in some way, these are the things I think I will need the most:

(1) prayer: This is the biggest thing you can do to help us right now, please keep lifting up Jamin's name to the Lord. Pray for speedy maturation of the lungs, heart, and nervous system. Pray for many more weeks in utero.

(2) meals: My family hasn't eaten a "real" home cooked meal in over 3 weeks and I would just about saw off my right arm to get one. James absolutely does not get along with the kitchen very well, anything beyond a PBJ sandwich is just a little out of his element. So something that's mostly prepared, that he could just pop in the oven and serve would be the equivalent of giving us a gift worth a million dollars. Anything frozen is fab too.

(3) my shadow: I am literally supposed to be in bed at all times except to go to the bathroom. That makes being home alone with a preschooler a bit of a challenge. I need the most help on MWF in the afternoons, Tuesday all day, or Thurs until about 3:00. Even if she could get out of the house for an hour or so just to play or go to lunch that would be huge.

Will try to update more later.

Hold breath, click SEND.

With much trepidation and hesitance, I say: Welcome to my little corner of cyberspace!

For well over a year I have maintained my blog privately, as a personal journal of sorts. I've typed here as an emotional outlet for myself, but in recent weeks have toyed with the idea that perhaps "one day" I might invite some family and very close friends to have access to read it.

I think that day has finally come.

Given my current circumstances, and the knowledge that our journey will likely only get ... ummm ... more interesting in the near future, it seems like this is really the easiest, fastest, and most effective way to keep everyone informed on all the details of whats happening. I'm finding the old fashioned way of updating multitudes of people to be a little exhausting at times.

Since most people don't have the time (let alone interest!) to go back and read a year's worth of archived posts, let me summarize it all to catch you up to speed:

This blog was started in 2007 when James and I began trying to conceive a third baby. Conceiving took much longer than we had ever planned .... 11 cycles in fact .... so during that time I did lots of whining and threw several pity parties for myself. I'm a little embarrassed to say that the evidence of my pathetic sobs and grumblings can still be found here in all their shiny glory. If you're into that sort of thing, grab a small violin (or some Michael Bolton music might work if you're in a pinch) and check out the ugliness for yourself here, here, here and here. For those of you who don't have the stomach for insessent complaining and self-pity, skip the posts and read this condensed version instead: "whahhh, whahhhhhhh, why is my life so hard?". That just about sums up all the posts from those first few months.

After 11 cycles of tears and temper tantrums, we found out in late August that we were finally expecting! You can catch up on all that here.

As you all know, I'm 26weeks now and have been on bedrest for 2 1/2 weeks due to a thinning cervix, excess amniotic fluid, and increasing contractions: all signs pointing to an early delivery. Today is my 3rd day in the hospital.

Which brings us back up to the latest news ... not much has changed since my post from last night. I've just finished breakfast and need to jump in the shower before they change their minds and tell me I have to stay connected to the monitor. Radiology will be coming up in a few minutes to take me down to ultrasound. Dr. Mobasa, one of Dr. Mann's associates, has come in twice this morning, but really hasn't told me much of anything new. He basically said that after the ultrasound they would either prepare to send me home, or prepare to send me upstairs to the high-risk perinatal unit. Apparently this is where women are sent who are on long-term hospital bedrest and need to gestate for endless weeks. I will blog again later after the ultrasound and my meeting with Dr. Mann. Hopefully I will know something soon, try checking back in after lunch ... I will post an update as early as I can.

Hospital Day 2

So the whole Ambien thing was a fun experience. Last night I asked the nurse to give me just a 1/2 dose (5mg) to start since I've never taken it before and had heard crazy stories about hallucinations and such. After the 5mg I did begin feeling very tired and relaxed, but somehow still unable to get over the hump and actually FALL ASLEEP. So an hour later I buzzed her and asked for the other 1/2 of the dose. At that point it got a little hazy ..... I was semi-asleep and semi-awake at the same time. Hard to explain. I could hear the TV and I could hear the nurses walking by and talking outside of my room. So I wasn't fully asleep. But I wasn't fully awake and alert either. I "slept" like this from about 11:30 until 4am.

At 4am I found myself standing next to my bed with the lights on searching for my glasses. I have no idea what lead to me thinking I needed my glasses, or why I got up, I have no recollection at all. At one point I was crouching on the floor looking under the bed, when my nurse came in. I am hooked up to a million different monitors so she was immediately alerted when I got out of bed.

She walked in and politely asked if I needed help with something. I told her yes, I can't find my glasses can you help me with that? She went right to work searching, and asked "were you up late reading?" I replied no, I've been sleeping. She then asked, "okay, well why do you need your glasses right now?" There was a long pause while I tried to search my brain for the answer. It was in that moment that I realized I didn't have an answer because I had turned into one of the Ambien-crazies just like I feared! I truly had no idea why I was looking for my glasses or what I even needed them for. But I did have just enough mental clarity to recognize that I was confused and disoriented. So I finally just bit the bullet and admitted, "I'm so sorry, I totally can't remember! I feel really silly because I just realized that I'm not making any sense. I'm so sorry I bothered you!"

She was such a sweetie, told me "no worries, this happens to just about everybody on this stuff" .... tucked me back in and turned out the lights. And yes, she even found my glasses for me. Nurse of the year award goes to Jen! :)

Every other nurse I have met here has been equally fabulous. Even the other staff that are not nurses. The food lady that takes my food orders and brings me my meals .... wonderful. This morning when my shower head wasn't working right .... they immediately sent a maintenance man who took care of it in less than 5min. I have been very pleased with the care I've received here and I feel very fortunate that I am in *this* hospital, with *these* doctors .... the Lord has really shown us great favor and surrounded us with everything we've needed. Certainly I'd much prefer to be at home in my own bed (with zero contractions, perfect fluid, and a 4cm thick cervix of course!) .... but since we can't have that, then this truly is the next best place for me to be. I feel very grateful.

I was up (and alert I should say!) around 6:30 this morning. I ate breakfast and immediately began begging the nurses for permission to take a shower. Dr. Scott came by doing his rounds, he is one of Dr. Garcia's partners. I had never met him before. He was short and to the point ... basically repeating everything I had already known. And I was able to sweet-talk him into allowing me a shower so that made our chat super successful in my book!

After my shower I was greeted by Dr. Allen, a perinatologist who works with Dr. Mann. I had never met him before either. He went through the same 5 talking points that Dr. Scott had just finished an hour earlier .... so much so that I told him "nope, I don't have any questions, thank you!". HA! Now anyone who knows me will get a good laugh out of that! Normally I have lists of questions which I literally whip out of my pocket when the doctor walks into the room, at which point the doctors will laugh and tell me I need to stop doing so much research, and then I convince them to grab a comfortable seat so we can chat until they've answered every last one of my concerns.

It may seem extreme, but hey .... my perinatologist literally charges my insurance company upwards of $700 AN HOUR for being in the same room with me, and this fee does not include ANY medical procedures she might perform, it's simply a fee for her presence. So the little lists of overly-detailed questions are just my way of making sure she actually *earns* a tiny bit of that disgusting fee. But I digress....

After the doctor visits, my day has been quite slow and boring, really nothing new has changed. So that's the best we can hope for under the circumstances! They've pumped 3 full bags of fluid into me just since this morning, so I've spent the majority of my day making the endless trips to and from the bathroom, literally like every 10-15 minutes. It's a laughable ordeal really: First I have to unplug my 2 fetal monitors and throw the cords around my neck so they don't "fall in". I then remove my IV bag, and drag it all in with me too. I then have the pleasure of urinating into the oh-so-dainty and fashionable bowl insert-thingy which they place inside the toilet to collect and measure your urine output. Then there's the artform getting the pants back up without ripping the IV port out of my wrist, followed by more rearranging of the chords, which by now have winded into a 7-layer ball of madness, wash hands, limp back to the monitoring station, spend five minutes untangling the 7-layer ball of madness so that I can plug everything back in and get the IV bag hung back up properly. I have learned all the right buttons to push in case the machine honks at me or doesn't like the direction of my plug. Once the machine is happy and I see my toco strip is moving regularly again, I am free to get back in bed. Ahhhhh. Rest. Exactly 7-15 minutes after that my bladder is full again and it's time to repeat the entire process! Annoying for sure, but seriously I'm not complaining because it's the only form of "exercise" I've been allowed to have for about 6months now. And truly, if my biggest complaint of the day is that I have to pee 7000 times ..... then that means life is pretty good at the moment considering the alternatives!

Beyond the never-ending bathroom adventure, really the rest of my day has been quiet. And it's been nice! I've enjoyed the quite really. Pastor Jamal from CCH stopped by after lunch and we chatted eachother's brains out for well over an hour. He is always so fun to talk to! I made him promise that next time we meet to catch up that we will do at at Five Guys over cheeseburgers and cokes. He was quick to agree to those terms, so I'm holding him to it.

He prayed with me before he left, and it was a surreal moment when he prayed Jamin's name out loud. Hearing someone *else* say that name, in prayer and petition no less, was so neat. He has been "my" Jamin in my mind for many weeks, but having him officially be recognized as Jamin by the outside world was heartwarming. I'm so glad that James and I ended up agreeing to a name on Monday of this week .... this way all our praying friends can lift him up now by name. I know God is already getting thousands of petitions on behalf of Jamin Wren and I know he hears each one. That's so comforting for me.

James worked until early afternoon, then left to pick up Gracie from my parent's house. Then they came here to hang out for a while. Jessica came too! So it was a nice visit. Gracie was enamoured with my "magic bed" which moved up and down and all around at the touch of a button. She declared that she wants one for her room now. I tried to squeeze as many cuddles out of her as I possibly could (when she was sitting still, that is). I sure miss her.

I made them all stay until 8pm when my second steroid shot came, during yesterday's I was alone and I really wanted a hand to hold this time. I've been *dreading* it .... seriously all day when I look at the clock I've thought, "uugggh, only x number of hours left until my stupid steroid shot!". James held my hand, Jessica bolted out the door to wait in the hall, and Gracie got as close as physically possible to the injection site because she wanted to see every detail ... to the point that her nose was an inch from my bum and we had to tell her to back off a bit! She does the exact same thing on Fridays when the home nurse does my 17p shots .... apparently she's fascinated by the whole thing! Maybe we have a little nurse in training or something?

After my whines died down a bit, James and Jess headed out with Gracie. I am so relieved that James and Gracie will be sleeping at home in their own beds tonight, and Gracie will get to go to school tomorrow. I'm really wanting to make this whole ordeal the least disruptive as we can for her. So anything we can do to stick to her schedule and maintain a sense of normalcy is our plan.

I ended my night tonight having a verrrry long girl-talk with my night nurse, Emmie. Turns out we have a lot in common. She is a devoted Christian, and she and her husband (who works here upstairs in the NICU) are going to seminary to pursue full time medical missions work in Eastern Europe. Emmie is currently 37 weeks pregnant herself, so we swapped pregnancy stories and she shared with me all the "insider" info she knows about anesthesia and such. As we talked she began to inquire more about Isaac and the circumstances of his birth. So I shared with her some of the chaos and absolute trauma of that night. I explained that this is one reason I'm so fearful of delivering this time without an epidural. She promised me that the pain of an abruption is SEVERE, ten times more severe than just a normal non-medicated delivery. She assured me that the pain I experienced then was exponentially worse than anything I will feel this time if we aren't able to use and epi. She is actually the second nurse to tell me this, and I trust her. I feel slightly better having the knowledge, but I'm still overwhelmingly terrified at the possibility of a non-medicated delivery.

We shall see. Only God knows right now.

Our plan for tomorrow, as best as I understand it, is that radiology will come up and get me early in the morning. Like, perhaps 7am early. They will do the ultrasound and bring me back up here. Dr. Garcia and Dr. Mann will both come by at some point tomorrow to see the ultrasound and determine a tentative long-term course of action. It could be immediate discharge, it could be 10+ weeks gestating upstairs, it could be fifty different options somewhere between the two.

My mind is weighing heavily on me tonight, I think because I shared Isaac's birth story with that sweet nurse, and of course our worst fear right now is that something that awful would happen again, to Jamin this time. And the fact that my "fate" tomorrow is so unknown .... that's causing a lot of anxiety as well.

So, against my better judgement, I think I will buzz Emmie and give the Ambien another shot. But JUST 5 mg tonight! I don't care to see fairies or gingerbread men in the corner of my room.

If anyone from Northside calls in the morning and seems frantic, tell them to look in the shower or inside the large tall cabinet next to the TV. To me those both look like good places to hide if you're hallucinating!

HERE WE GO AGAIN...

Tonight I'm blogging from a hospital bed. That means my day did not go well.

I went to my weekly peri appointment today at 1:00. There Dr. Mann saw that my cervix has thinned down to just 1.7 cm thick. Seven days ago it was 2.7, so we've lost an entire centimeter in a very short time. It should measure about 4-ish.

Apparently 1.7 is down into the "panic" range. Dr. Mann took one look and immediately declared that I was heading straight to the hospital. Her immediate goal was to start the betamethesone (steroid) injections to boost the baby's lung maturity. It takes 48 hours to get the full effect from those (2 doses given 24hours apart), so she wanted to begin them asap. She also wanted to begin monitoring and administer the tocolytic drugs if the contractions get too frequent. The baby weighs approximately 1lb 14oz.

Unfortunately I was there at her office by myself, with James at work and Gracie picked up from school by my parents. So this was very difficult news to swallow all alone. I stayed totally calm and focused while talking to Dr. Mann, trying to understand every detail and ask lots of questions. But once she left the room I lost it. All I could think was "I CAN NOT have a baby at 26 weeks, it's NOT an option". I know way too much about the survival rates and the long-term neurological and physical complications. Even a momentary thought of living that is simply unbearable.

I clammored out of Dr. Mann's office and down to the elevators, while trying to call James and explain that I was coming home to pack a hospital bag and he needed to meet me there. My mind was so jumbled, and apparently multi-tasking was more than my brain could handle. I inadvertently rode up and down the elevators twice in each direction before I could figure out which one was the right floor to get to the bridge for the parking deck. Dr. Mann's office is inside the main building at Piedmont Hospital, so that's a lot of floors! I rode for quite some time, trying to hide my obvious tears and confusion and avoid the stares from the doctors and nurses who loaded, unloaded, and then loaded again before I could figure out where I was going. The whole thing was quite ridiculous, given that I've been to that office at least two dozen times and under normal circumstances I can get there and back with my eyes closed.

I finally made it to the car and began calling family and friends. My dear friend, Jerah, promised she would call everyone from the church and ask for prayer. She said all the right things and really calmed me down! By the time I fought traffic and made it home I was almost normal again. I packed enough clothes for 4 nights, just in case, and packed an overnight bag for Gracie so she can stay with my parents. James and I then loaded back up and ventured to Northisde.

We got here around 5:00ish. It was weird checking in at admissions because every other woman in line with me was gigantically pregnant. Apparently if you're being induced, you're supposed to check in between 5 and 5:30 the night before. So there I stood, surrounded by relieved women, ready to pop and giddy with excitement that it was almost time to celebrate their big moment. As we each got to the front of the line, the admissions lady asked us how many weeks we were. All I heard was 39, 38 1/2, 40(!), and one 37 weeks. Then it's my turn: I tell them 26weeks 0 days. Everyones eyes turn to stare and I get a few looks of sympathy. And for a moment the fear rose up again.

They quickly put me in a room .... first actually before the tummy-popped induction girls who arrived before me. I'm on the first floor (I think? This place is huge) .... room B11. After seven thousand consent forms and admissions papers, they started an IV of fluids and gave me my first betamethazone shot (steroid). James had run out searching for some dinner when they did those .... and with the steriod shot I literally had to turn my head and bite down into my pillow to keep from screaming. That pain was horrific. I remembered from Gracie's pregnancy that those hurt badly; but time had erased the memory of just how bad they really were. Guess that's a good thing really. I have to get one more tomorrow night and then I'm done with those.

My other meds have pretty much stayed the same: I'm getting my Lovenox shots every 24hours, my 17P shot on Friday, aspirin, and all the rest. They've also added terbutaline shots when my contractions get too frequent, but so far they haven't been bad.

The plan at this point is to keep me here at least until Friday. The midwife came by earlier tonight and said quite honestly she has no idea how long I will be here .... could go home as early as Friday or could have to stay for another 10 weeks. It all depends on what happens in the next two days. On Friday Dr. Mann will come by to give me another ultrasound and re-measure everything. Based on what she sees she will make the judgement call at that time.

I have two doctors coming by tomorrow - one is Dr. Mann's partner and the other is Dr. Garcia's partner. Then Mann and Garcia will both come on Friday.

I was given an Ambien about 25 min ago (my first one ever, little nervous about how that will work out!) .... so I'm praying it will turn my brain off for the night and help me rest. I had to beg James to leave and go home to sleep in a real bed instead of this pathetic chair-thingy. He has refused all night but finally about an hour ago agreed. He got up at 4am this morning to drive his mother to Piedmont for an upper-GI test, so he is running on empty. Praying he gets some good rest tonight too, he sure needs it.

Ladies and Gentleman, he has a name!

Well it's about freakin time! We have finally agreed on a name. Neither of us got exactly what we wanted, and so neither of us are totally happy. But it was a true compromise, that's for sure!

About ten minutes after learning that we would have another son, James decided he wanted to name the baby Cash, in honor of his love-affair with Johnny Cash. See my previous post about that here. Since I'm not a huge fan of this very ... ahem ... unique name (read: weird), I have been busting my butt trying to come up with a suitable alternative that James would agree to. He's quite picky and every single name I suggest he basically hates. I have loved the name Jamin, (JAY-min) .... it's a Hebrew name that means "God has favored". I just think that is so appropriate for this little one, as God has certainly shown mercy and favor on him from day 1 in this whole process! I also like that the name sounds derived from the name James. Since Isaac's first name is James, we can't exactly re-use it! But with Jamin it still comes across to me as a nod to his father.

Only problem is that James doesn't like the name! Figures. He has been dead-set on Cash, and me on Jamin, for quite some time. I was actually hoping for Jamin Cooper.

And so, we've waited forever and ever to come to an agreement .... mostly because we couldn't get past the mental fear of "jinxing" the pregnancy once a name was picked, and also because we knew it would be a point of great contention and neither of us wanted to fight about it.

Finally last night, we did it. We made the great leap and agreed .... he will be Jamin Cash. Unfortunately, I'm still not a fan of Cash. I'm praying it grows on me! And James is still not a fan of Jamin! Isn't that funny? But we agreed nonetheless, it's a done deal. Marriage is supposed to be a compromise, afterall!

Just for giggles, I'll include some of the other names that didn't make the cut:

Josiephus Shadrack Wren (our joke name; I picked after James said he would like to try and find a biblical name .... so I started suggesting every obnoxious weird name from the Bible I could think of)

Nolan (James has tried to name all three of our kids Nolan, after Nolan Ryan, and all three times the answer has been a resounding NO)

Jennings (James liked to honor old-timey country star Waylon Jennings. I actually like the name alot but worried that people would try to shorten it since it's kind of a mouthful .... and didn't want anyone calling him Jenni or Jen or something else feminine sounding)

Braxton (Kristi's pick)

Cooper (Kristi's pick)

Brady, Benton, Bennett, Jaxon .... (all Kristi's)

Cash Register Wren (thank goodness we can finally retire this one!)

Relief!

Finally: I can catch my breath!

Had my weekly appointment with Dr. Garcia today. He took a Fetal Fibronectin sample and sent it off to the lab. I held my breath for 6 full hours until the nurse called with the results: NEGATIVE! Praise the Lord for that!!! I feel so much better knowing I can relax a bit since chances of something happening within the next 14 days is small. Dr. Garcia said he would most likely repeat the test every 2weeks from now on just to keep a super-close eye on things.

They also did my glucose screening, which required chugging that lovely orange-syrup nonesense and then more needles. Yick! I should get those results next week.

YAY for finally catching a break! :) I celebrated by doing something I swore I'd never do: I created a baby registry. Online of course, can't venture out to a store - doctor's orders! But seriously this feels like a huge step for me. I am still feeling very hesitant about the thought of actually having a baby shower - I've had two sweet offers to host but honestly I still feel really wierd about that and I'm not sure whether or not I'll accept. Mostly because it's a second baby and so that feels selfish in a way, but also because I guess I haven't fully let myself trust that we are truly going to have a healthy baby at the end of all this.

Even still, feels like progress to me. Baby steps.

2.7 and holding!

Today was my weekly check up with Dr. Mann. My cervix is measuring 2.7 cm, which is only 1mm shorter than last week. This is great news.

The fluid problem, however, is much worse. It's measuring 31cm, which is about double where it should be. Dr. Mann says the fluid is way down low in the pelvis and is putting even more pressure on the cervix. The baby is also head-down, which is additional pressure as well. She feels confident that if we can get the fluid under control, then it will help slow the cervical thinning.

To try and lessen the fluid, she is putting me back on another 72-hour course of Indocin. We did a course last week but have no way of knowing if it was helpful at all. One of the unwanted side-effects of taking Indocin (for those with "normal" pregnancies), is that it can reduce amniotic fluid. It does this primarily by slowing the baby's renal function (kidneys), literally making them urinate less often. Since amniotic fluid is primarily composed of baby's urine, then less urine = less fluid. So for women with normal amounts of amniotic fluid, this side-effect is a dangerous concern. For me, since I already have too much, this side-effect would actually be a desired outcome. Indocin also helps calm contractions, since it's a NSAID drug and relaxes the muscles.

She also wants to give me a fetal fibronectin test (Ffn), to assess my risk for delivering within the next 14days. I had this test done with Gracie, so I'm pretty familiar with it. Ffn is a glyco-protein that is usually only found in the cervix when delivery is immanent. So if we find the proten present (+ result), we know something is much more likely to happen within the next 14 days. Conversely, if we don't find the protein present (- result), we know we have a very good chance of making it at least 14 more days.

The purpose of the test is really to give doctors a better snapshot at the time-frame they are facing, to determine if more intervention is necessary. When I had the test done with Gracie at 33 weeks, it came back positive. At that point I was hospitalized again, and given the steroid injections meant to boost her lungs in preparation for an early delivery. As it turned out, she was in fact born roughly 2 weeks later.

Dr. Mann was unable to obtain the Ffn sample today at my appointment, because she had already completed a vaginal ultrasound, and by doing so had compromised the "sterile environment". Eww. Because of this, she's calling my super-fab OB, Dr. Garcia, who I'm already scheduled to see this Friday, and asking him to collect the sample and run the test at that time.

Soooo .... until then I'm still stuck here in bed, praying for a negative result on Friday so we can relax a bit.

Bedrest sucks....

... And bedrest with a sick preschooler sucks even more! :)

Last night I was tucking Gracie into bed and noticed she felt hot to touch. She had been complaining all day that her cheek hurt, but I just assumed she must have grinded her teeth that night while sleeping and was being a typical drama-queen. So I didn't think anything of it until bedtime when I noticed she felt like fire! I took her temp and it was 103.3. Yikes. Needless to say, she was up all night and I'm functioning on about 2 hours of sleep.

So, this afternoon we ventured to see Dr. Kaufman. Gracie cried the whole way there despite my frequent promises that we would NOT be getting any shots. Guess she didn't believe me. She continued to scream her head off once we left the turtles in the waiting room and walked back to the exam room.

The whole trip was quite a challenge and frankly I'm exhausted. So much for bed"rest".

Praise the Lord it was just an ear infection (only her second one ever!), so we stopped by the pharmacy, and after much pleading and negotiating she has taken her first dose of antibiotic. She is now happily curled up on the couch watching Tom & Jerry, and I'm finally laying down upstairs wondering how realistic it is to have actual Bedrest when you've got a 4 1/2 year old who is home all but 9 hours a week!

This is gonna be a looooong 16 weeks!

Viablility: YES! Bedrest: NO!

So today was a day of good news/bad news. Which should I report first? Hmmm.

Good news: I have offically reached the all-important, super-vital milestone known as fetal viability. This is the gestational point in pregnancy at which doctors declare that a baby has a chance of long-term survival if born early. Most doctors will not intervene to save a baby before this point.

I am praising God for the miracle of 24 weeks! He alone has provided me with a very highly-skilled team of expert doctors, given us the right medicines, and strengthened my body for the journey.

I was thrilled to head back to see Dr. Mann today (perinatologist), for another ultrasound and our weekly pow-wow. I've been especially nervous these last few weeks, knowing that the cervix was starting to show signs of effacement (thinning) between weeks 16-18. During that time, my cervix thinned from 4.0 cm to 3.5cm, but has stayed put since then.

Which brings me to the bad news: At today's measurement, the cervix is down to 2.8 cm. And there's more: polyhydramnios. This is a fancy word meaning there's too much amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. Dr. Mann explained that this is a major problem because all that fluid causes additional pressure on the cervix, causing it to thin even more. Excess fluid alone can cause pre-term labor and delivery. Added to the fact that I already have a previous history of preterm, am continuing to have frequent contractions, and now a very thin cervix ..... it's an enormous concern to my doctors.

She explained that polyhydramnios can be caused by different things: 2/3 of the time it's "idopathic", which means no known reason. About 15% of the time it indicates gestational diabetes in the mother. In the remaining cases it can be caused by a baby with birth defects, or any of the trisomies. At this point she is feeling confident that I fall into the 2/3 category, for whom this happens "just because". I will have my diabetes screening in two days, so we should be able to rule that out soon. And they have already checked the baby's anatomy top to bottom a million times, but she spent extra time double-checking his heart again today just in case. She reports all looks fine and she sees no indication of any defects.

Dr. Mann then proceeded to tell me the word I've been dreading to hear since this all began: Bedrest. I knew I was gonna end up here at some point, so it's not like it's a surprise or anything .... I was just really hoping we'd get much further along before we had to deal with this. With Isaac and Gracie both I was on bedrest about 6weeks each time. And I nearly lost my mind being cooped up like that! If we make it to the end this time it would mean SIXTEEN weeks of bedrest. Seriously a marathon. They may have to put me in a rubber room sometime around week ten or so.

I am trying not to panic. The doctors keep telling me that as long as the cervix stays above 2.0 cm then it's not time to freak out. I would be lying if I said I wasn't full of fear ... I am. But I'm trying my best to fight it and not let it paralyze me. Of course I will do everything within my own power to keep this little guy inside and healthy for as long as the Lord allows. And my doctor's have all assured me they will do everything humanly possible on their end. I am confident in their skill and I am grateful for the excellent top-notch care they are providing me. I guess the challenge once again becomes accepting the fact that this is out of our hands for the most part: God and God alone will decide the day and time that our little boy will come into the world. I am trying to take comfort in knowing that He already knows the time, and He already has the details worked out. Being the kind of person that needs to control things, of course this is quite hard.

Dr. Mann has put me on a 72-hour course of Indocin which we are hoping will accomplish two things: (1) slow contractions and (2) reduce the amount of amniotic fluid. I was on this medication back during the chaos with Isaac, so I'm quite familiar with it and I have high hopes that it will help this time. It can only be taken for 72 consecutive hours, though, which is the main drawback of this medicine, since longer dosages can result in heart problems for the baby. I will take my first dose tonight as soon as James gets home and has a chance to run to the pharmacy for me.

Aaaaaand so ..... the rollercoaster ride picks up speed ........

Major Breakthrough

Today marks 22weeks. Getting this far with my sanity in tact has required quite a feat of mental gymnastics. Mostly it's meant completely distancing myself from the baby and consciously not allowing myself to bond with him. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that, but it is the truth.

I am a planner by nature. The type A-personality, control-freak kind of person who over-plans and over-analyzes every big event in life. With my other pregnancies, I indulged in all the fun planning practically 10 minutes after peeing on the pregnancy test! I bought every baby book that Borders carried, poured through all the baby name websites searching for just the right choice, researched every detail about breastfeeding, excitedly created baby registries, and spent endless hours designing the perfect nursery.

With Gracie, all the planning and preparation paid off. With Isaac, not so much. Coming home to a room of baby things when you no longer have a baby ..... well that's just torture. It's been over two years, and I haven't been able to even *look* at that room since then. Staring at the empty crib sitting there, and envisioning how it should have looked with the perfect shade of blue on the walls, the softest chenille bumper pads and rich silk drapes .... it was all more than my heart could handle. So, I did what any weak-minded grieving mother would do: I shut the door and simply refused to deal with it. Every now and then we would open the door, just long enough to throw in a box of outgrown clothes waiting to be donated, or an empty crate we needed to dispose of. It became a quasi-storage room really.

But always with the door closed.

Since becoming pregnant again, I have instinctively made no plans. People will excitedly ask me things like, "have you picked out a name?", "are you gonna paint the room blue?", "when will you have a baby shower?" ..... each time I can only smile and shrug my shoulders. No plans. No names. No nursery decor. No showers. I simply can not bring myself to do it. I am too afraid.

But something changed last night. I couldn't sleep. I literally laid in bed, wide awake, ALL NIGHT long. My brain was running a million miles an hour and I couldn't figure out a way to turn it off. I was overcome with a feeling of guilt for refusing to bond with an innocent baby. *My* baby. And suddenly an urgent need flooded me: a need to make up for lost time. I laid there, desperate to fall asleep, until about 5:00am. At that point I finally gave up trying. I quietly tip-toed out of bed, walked across the hall to the dreaded room, and opened the door.

Then, I did something even more heroic: I sat down right in the middle of those 4-foot stacks of boxes, and I began cleaning. You should have seen James' face when he woke up a few hours later for work and found me there.

For nearly twelve hours I have sorted, organized, and disposed of the mess .... all the while convincing myself that it's way past time I get over it. It was a bit like a 12-hour pep talk inside my head: I can't let fear rob me of any more of my pregnancy ... This is supposed to be a joyous and magical experience ... I have to believe that we're going to get a happy ending this time.

After much pondering, I've decided that this is truly a leap of faith. And today I take my first little hop.

By the end of the day, I had packed up TWELVE very heavy boxes and bags of things to donate. By some miracle, I managed to drag them all downstairs and load them in my car without going into pre-term labor. Then Gracie and I drove down to Goodwill and passed it all off.

I'm now feeling quite exhausted, having done all this activity on zero hours of sleep. But I'm also feeling incredibly relieved. Today I've purged equal amounts of material junk and emotional junk.

It feels good.

The halfway point!

I can hardly believe I'm 20weeks already! The last several days have been emotionally draining to say the least .... with passing the "milestone" gestational date when Isaac died, Laura being in the hospital, and fears of increasing contractions and a thinning cervix. Praise the Lord we've all survived, and Laura is just fine despite a good scare.

I must say I expected Isaac's milestone date to be sad, but in all honesty I was not expecting it to be so completely overwhelming. I literally spent the entire day in tears, and on the way home from Dr. Garcia's office I stopped by the cemetary (haven't been in a while). There I sat, alone, sprawled out in the grass, weeping like a crazy woman while it snowed.

Not my proudest moment.

I'm blaming it on the hormones. And the fact that our current circumstances have increased my fears of a repeat. I've been seeing Dr. Mann (perinatologist) every 2 weeks ... each time I go she does an ultrasound and takes careful measurements of my cervix. At week 16, it was measuring 4.0cm, which is good. Two weeks later (week 18), amidst increasingly frequent contractions, it had shortened to 3.5cm. This is right at the bottom end of the "normal" range, but of course its enough to have my mind racing with fear. I go back again on Wednesday for another measurement - I'm praying for no change so I can relax a bit. Right now James and I are holding our breath, to some extent it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. We talk about our fears often, which helps just to know I'm not alone. James is also immensely stressed and frightened.

Though he can't blame his fears on the hormones. That's one of the perks of being pregnant!

Breaking Back

I'm 16weeks now .... and right on schedule my horrifically debilitating back pain has arrived! With every pregnancy I've been plagued with this, the can't-move-without-crying kind of pain in my mid to lower back. Some days when I'm super lucky it radiates through the booty and shoots down both legs, causing me to walk with a gimp that James can't resist making fun of.

To compensate for his giggles, James treated me to a massage at BodyWorx Spa last week. The massage was fabulous, but somehow it actually made the problem worse. I have tightened up so badly that I literally can not take a deep breath without pain shooting down my back and tears filling my eyes.

And since I'm on the topic of pregnancy discomfort, can I just say that I've also (ahem...) observed, that I am covered in black bruises, I can't sleep, I have to pee every ten minutes, I have unidentified fluids pouring out of my nether-regions, I'm eating Tums and Colace by the handful, I'm so tired that I can hardly walk straight, and I have medicine coming out my eyeballs.

But again, I'm not complaining. I am blessed to be with child.

Adding to my super-fun experience this week are Braxton-Hicks contractions. They have started already. Dr. Garcia says not to worry at this point (doesn't he know by now that "Worry" is my middle name?) ..... I'm just praying that my cervix holds up. I'm trying to stay off my feet as much as possible, which is hard with Thanksgiving approaching. And drinking 60+ ounces of water each day is not helping my frequent-pee problem, but I digress ....

My second set of injections is scheduled to start next week. They are giving me 17-alpha-hydroxy-progesterone, 250mg injections, once per week. This treatment is fairly new ... it's given to women with previous preemies, and is thought to reduce your risk of preterm birth by up to 30%. These are intermuscular injections (unlike my lovenox which is just subcutaneous), so I am unable to do them myself. So they are sending a high-risk obstetrical nurse to my house each week to administer the injections and monitor me for pre-term labor. Once again, thank GOD for insurance.

Matria, the home healthcare company, sent all the injections to me this week via FedEx overnight express. I made the mistake of opening the package and inspecting everything. With much trepidation and horror I report to you that I *observed* .... those needles are freaking gigantic. Probably 4-5 times the size of my Lovenox needles. Apparently the medication is compounded in castor-oil, so it is very thick (almost looks like vegetable oil!) .... and giant needles are necessary to push it through. The home nurse called this week to arrange everything, her name is Sharon. She seemed nice on the phone, but even still I keep picturing her chasing me through my living room with a 40-foot needle. I'm terrified of her already.

I am blessed to be with child. I am blessed to be with child. I AM BLESSED TO BE WITH CHILD .......

Team BLUE!

Holy crap we're having a BOY!!! We found out yesterday during my first trimester screening. I was shocked that we were able to see "it" so clearly, I was only 13w0d!

But alas, there on the screen we saw the unmistakable "toilet shot", and the ultrasound tech announced quite confidently that we are indeed having another son.

I'm feeling a little shocked, and if I'm being honest - a wee bit sad. I've been hoping for another girl, mostly because I have such a close relationship with my own sister and I wanted that experience for Gracie. And also for selfish reasons - I feel like emotionally this will be much harder for me to handle since it's a boy. I worry that I will forever be comparing him to Isaac ... the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he runs, the way he laughs ... wondering if that's the way Isaac would have been. I was hoping it would be a girl in part so I wouldn't have to deal with some of those emotional complexities.

BUT .... once again God's plan is His own and I am getting on board. It will be an adventure shopping for blue for a change! I've already started peeking at cute little blue nursery decor online - though I don't have the guts to actually purchase a single thing!

With the gender discovery, of course, has come the inevitable battle over the perfect name. And once again, James and I can't agree on a single thing! We always have the hardest time with this! James is set on the name Cash, in honor of his pseudo-hero Johnny Cash. I think the name is cute ...... FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S KID. But not for mine. Can't explain it really other than to say it's just kinda weird. Gracie loves the name because it makes her giggle, so last night the two of them were double-teaming me, begging "puleeeeeeze let us name the baby Cash!". I told James no, I don't like it, the name is weird, and not to mention -- what in the world could we possibly use for a middle name since it's so strange, I mean what goes with Cash? Gracie came rushing in from the other room shouting, "REGISTER!!!!". So apparently at this point my child's name will be Cash Register Wren. Fantastic.

In other news .... my latest hematology tests have me breathing into a paper bag. Went to the hematologist last week, though for some reason I got stuck with the nurse practitioner rather than the doctor. Won't be making that mistake again -- she was completely clueless. But my Protein S numbers have plummeted dramatically, hence the bag-breathing. Recall that I have an inherited heterozygous Type III Protein S Deficiency. Sometimes it's referred to as Type IIb rather than Type III. In a nutshell, there are three types of Protein S measurements: "total", which measures the actual amount of protein in your blood, "free", which measures only the amount of protein that isn't already bound to other blood components, and "functional", which measures how well the protein is actually working (irrespective of the amount present). My disorder, Type III, is a functional deficiency, which means my free and total #s are both normal but my functional #s are abnormal. For instance, my functional levels have hovered around the upper-40's to low-50's over the last two years (normal is considered 60-120), while my free and total numbers have always stayed in the normal range.

At this office visit, Nurse Know-Nothing reports to me that my functional #s are down to 24. (I have honestly never even *heard* of numbers this low before.) And to top if off, she tells me I now have a free deficiency as well - down from the normal range to just 27. When I asked her if this will cause a major problem, she shrugs and says "I'm not really sure, but as long as you keep taking your lovenox then I think you should be okay". Well that's super reassuring. Convinced I'm going to drop dead from a pulmonary embolism as soon as I get in my car to drive home, I asked her if it's possible that pregnancy would artificially drop my numbers so dramatically, at which point she tells me - again - she's not sure but I could google it if I wanted. Yes, that's right, that was the advice given to me from the licensed Nurse-Practitioner at the hematologist's office, the folks who are supposed to be knowledgeable specialists in blood disorders. I was furious ... I take time off of my day, arrange childcare for Gracie, sit in your waiting room for an hour and a half, pay my $40 copay, and you want me to GOOGLE IT?!?!?

Needless to say, I'm looking for a new hematologist.

Big Sister

Up until now we have been very hesitant to share the baby news with Gracie. Primarily out of fear that something awful will go wrong and then we'll have to explain that to her. Not too long ago she named one of her stuffed animals "Cemetary", at which point I nearly lost it. No 4-year old should have to know so much about death. It bothers me immensely, but looking back on everything I know we handled it the best way we could under the circumstances. But hoping to spare her from any more tragedies, James and I have agreed to keep the pregnancy from her as long as possible.

Well today we ventured to the pumpkin patch with our friends, Sherry and Andy, and their two little ones. Their daughter, Malina, is best pals with Gracie ... they go to school and dance class together.

Poor Sherry is just two weeks shy of delivering her third bundle and looks like she wants to POP! I remain so impressed with her total mobility and her normal good spirits ... I can only pray I will be in such good shape when I'm nearing my own due date! As we arrived and began chatting, Sherry pulled me aside (out of earshot of Malina and Gracie), and tells me that she had been discussing my pregnancy with Malina. She had told Malina that yes Ms. Kristi has a baby in her tummy but you can't tell Gracie because she doesn't know yet. Malina responded that yes Gracie does know already .... earlier in the week Gracie told Malina "my mommy has a baby but don't tell anyone because it's a secret!".

I was stunned! I knew she was a perceptive little thing, but never in a million years thought she would figure it out on her own. Any time we have discussed the pregnancy in her presence we always spelled key words, like B-A-B-Y. Surely she's no spelling genius at age 4, but somehow she managed to figure it out nonethless. Adding to my amusement is her keen awareness that her mommy's pregnancy must be a secret because no one has announced it to her yet!

Once he learned that the cat is already out of the bag, James immediately wanted to tell her all about it. I was still hesitant, but relented. As we tucked her into bed tonight, James asked her "do you know what's inside Mommy's tummy?". Gracie's eyes widened significantly and a little smile curled the edge of her lips in anticipation. She said, "Noooo?". Then he told her, "there's a baby in there!". She immediately began SCREAMING and shouting and running in circles around her room. I had no idea a preschooler could get so excited about a sibling. I wish so badly that James had warned me he was about to spill the beans, so I could have videotaped it. Her reaction was truly priceless. After jumping and squeeling in excitement she immediately began pulling open all her dresser drawers and hurredly shouting instructions that we must go to Target and buy some diapers and baby pajamas. She then begged me to use the phone so she could call everyone and share the great news. We allowed her to call all her grandparents and both sets of Aunts. Each time she was screaming so loudly into the phone that no one could understand a word she said.

So tonight I go to bed with sticky fingers (from the pumpkin-carving of course), and a warm heart knowing that my little girl is going to make a fantastic sister.

7w0d

The lovenox shots started 5 days ago. I have made a vow not to complain, since we are blessed to be with child. So let me just say that I've *observed* these things hurt like MAD!

(See, not a complaint, just an observation)

Here, you can observe my bruises.

I'm thinking the bruises are simply a result of the fact that this stuff is made of gold or something. At least that's my assumption, since it cost almost $1200 for 30 injections. Thank God for our health insurance!!!

Currently I'm seeing Dr. Garcia every week, sometimes twice a week. I have my first appointment with Dr. Munjal (hemotologist) this week, and I'll see Dr. Mann (perinatologist) next week.

I'm still quite nervous about this whole thing, but trying very hard to remain hopeful. I've been at Dr. Garcia's office every few days to check my HcG and progesterone levels, so far they are really high! In fact we did a second ultrasound just to make sure it wasn't twins! That one really sent my brain for a loop during the few days we thought that could be a possibility, phew.

People keep asking me about my morning sickness, energy, blah blah blah ... the normal pregnancy stuff. Yes I feel like barf almost all the time. No I have no energy. But my mind is on such bigger issues that honestly all of that seems so trivial to me.

I would gladly barf every single day for 40 weeks if that's what was required for a healthy outcome.

Of course, if that's the case, then don't expect me to keep my vow about the complaining!

It's official

Safe to say my brain has been going a million miles an hour since Saturday.

And of course, being Labor Day weekend (which I have grown to despise since two years ago) ... today was the earliest chance to get into the doctor.

Four full days of obsessive Kristi-brain is not pleasant. That's all I will say about that.

But alas, Tuesday is here and we are officially pregnant. The joy and the fear is all so overwhelming, honestly I have not turned my brain off since I woke up Saturday morning. I have worried my way around every possibility and what type of mountain we could be facing. And my thoughts are so jumbled that I couldn't possibly put it all on paper if my life depended on it.

My emotions are an insane mess. No it's not the hormones. Well, maybe a tiny bit. But mostly its that today is Isaac's 2nd birthday. Quite a day to be all alone at the doctor (James was stuck at work), worrying and wondering about the fate of this new little one. The irony of it all will just slap ya in the face really.

So tonight we will go to the cemetery, and grieve for the child we lost, while we simultaneously rejoice that we now have another.

The whole thing is so mixed up I seriously can not wrap my brain around it.

SHOCK AND AWE.

So, my period was due three days ago. I haven't even let myself get excited about the fact that it was late, because I knew it was coming. All the signs were there: oily skin, crampy abdomen, sore breasts. It was like mother nature was trying to torture me by dragging it all out somehow.


This morning I wake up thinking, "good STARS just hurry up and start already! How long is this gonna take?"


Then, my brain kicks in. Oh yes, that annoying, obsessive Kristi-style worrying. I haven't peed on a single stick all month. So really I have no clue what is going on with my cycle. I don't even know if I actually ovulated this month! Obviously something is wrong. If I'm not having a period, then I'm definitely not ovulating, and if I'm not ovulating then I'll *never* get pregnant.


So, I wander into the bathroom, annoyed at the thought that today is Saturday so it will be two more days before Dr. Garcia's office opens and I can call and tell him: SEE I told you something was wrong, now I'm not even having a period!


Thinking that, of course I'll need "proof" of my statement when I call, I dig out my gigantic trusty bag of sticks and pull out a pregnancy test. Only the 7,452nd test I've peed on over the last eleven months. Or at least it feels like that many.


I've become so adept at the whole pee-on-a-stick-process (which is a true artform, by the way), that I can literally do it without even looking. And would you believe, that when I finally got done washing my hands and grumbling about my misery, I glanced down and saw a second line?


A SECOND LINE!


I blinked several times thinking surely my eyes are playing a cruel trick on me. But the longer it sat, the the more clearly I saw it. In complete disbelief I walked to the top of the stairs, and called down to James "ummm, could you come up here please? Like RIGHT NOW!"

Before he's even in the room I'm waiving that stupid stick in his face. We are stunned. Overjoyed. Terrified. All at the same time.


Thank you Jesus.

The wretched week of sadness

Oh yes, all the ladies know just what I'm referring to. Men, if you're hyper-sensitive to girly-stuff then please avert your eyes:

I started my *&$%@! period again.

I can't even begin to describe the heartbreak. I'm so over it. Every single day, I wake up and pee of some type of freaking stick. On cycle days 6-14 it's an ovulation stick. On cycle days 20-27 it's a lab-grade home pregnancy test. Some time between days 25 and 27 I usually collapse in anger and disappointment, throw the stupid thing across the bathroom, and bury my face in bed.

I have been doing this for TEN solid months now. And I'm done.

I have been begging James since May -- please, I need a break. The emotional toll is too high. Every month I get my hopes up ... the anticipation, the excitement, the hopefulness, and then inevitably .... the crushing disappointment. Months ago when I decided to name this blog Riding the Rollercoaster, I had no clue just how accurate that would be. I feel like I am on a never-ending rollercoaster of ups and downs. After a while, it becomes more than a normal person can handle. I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE.

I need some time to relax. I need to throw away the calendar. To ditch the ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. I need my sanity back.

Hence, my repeated requests over the last several months for a "break". Just for six months? Three months? Something? I need to stop obsessing and get my focus back on life again. But my husband .... my dear sweet husband so desperate, so longing for a baby .... keeps begging me to give it one more month.

Well not anymore. I officially give up.